Why do I say that?

Today we learned about the Doppler Effect in physics. and it made me think of a conversation I had with a friend.

One day while walking, an ambulance with sirens sounding, sped past us into the distance. We could hear the sound of the sirens changing as it drove off into the distance

Friend: The Doppler Effect!!!

Me: (gosh), so nerdy

I forgot what my friend's reaction to my comment was. She probably told me to shush, or she pushed me or something.

Why did I say that? Why did I make fun of her application of academics to life? The thing is I didn't even mean it when I said it. I don't really think it's nerdy; I think it's good to (learn to) love what you learn in school and to apply it, and see how amazing God is for creating physics. What I said was kind of automatic for me, something I picked up from being around Asian circles; it seems like something people in Asian circles would say, but perhaps that's just my opinion. I realize that when I say things like that, it can discourage others.

I remember another scenario that is an opposite parallel of this one--because it was encouraging.

I was carrying around textbooks in the dorms before the school year/classes had started. A couple friends were in the hallway and saw me. One friend said: "are you studying already??" I said "oh, no I'm giving these textbooks to someone, but yes, I have started studying." The other friend smiled, looked me in the eye and said genuinely: "good for you!"

I was so encouraged by what she said and her genuineness in saying that. It is so rare.

How easy it is to say: "woww, what! WHY would you do that?" or something similar. Those kind of comments make it easy for people to want to hide the fact that they are studying before school starts--to hide the fact that they are doing something outside of the "cool norm".

I think it's really awesome when people encourage each other to be who they really are, who God has created them to be, to do what God calls them to do, etc.... instead of making discouraging remarks that push people to conform or hide their differences

For all those reading, I'm sorry for the discouraging things I've said to you.

Summer in Ithaca: thoughts so far

I've been here 5 days, and so far I have concluded: Summer in Ithaca is awesome and scary.

It's awesome because I have a freer schedule, yet I'm not bored--at least not the kind of bored that drives people insane, almost literally. Bored of life. It's not that kind. It's relaxing, is what I'm trying to get at. It's relaxing and peaceful, but not lonely, even if I spend a big chunk of time alone.

It's also scary. because something is missing. The pace is slower. People aren't rushing to get to places. They cook and chop vegetables at a relaxed pace and randomly decide to lie on couches in the middle of the day for extended periods of time. Or sit on the slope and observe scenery. Take walks. People make decisions to go places more spontaneously. Everything is chill. You don't plan dinners/events a week in advance. Or at least most people don't. Folding clothes, cleaning, doing dishes, cooking, eating, lounging, walking at a leisurely pace are the things you observe people doing most of the time. It's like life is on pause and we're all living in slow motion. The long grass is swaying in the wind. You are standing in the fields, looking over the miles and miles of grass. It's a beautiful day, blue skies.

While you're in this slow-paced bubble sort-of-dream-life-but-not-really life, the rest of the world is moving right along.

Part of me is like: This is so peaceful! yay! Another part of me is like: dislike! I don't like this. I don't even know who I am, or what I like to do. There's no ambition/competition, but there's also no great excitement. There's no great pain, but also no great anticipation of great things to come. I'm not obsessed; I'm not passionate; I'm not holding on tightly for dear life; I'm not in love; I'm not frustrated with anyone. All these are more extreme emotions. I think, maybe, sometimes I get a subconscious high from these emotions--either from the emotion itself, or from knowing that the emotion is "bad", and wanting to improve/fix my heart. But now, it's almost like there's nothing to "work on", even though there is (which just means I'm not currently pursuing the heart of God). No one else is really stressed or in a bad mood, so there's no relational friction or hardship comforting, or whatever else. I like these things. I like focusing on relationships (with sisters.. for now), having exciting (but not necessarily significant) goals, etc. But that's not what it's about. (which reminds me of my previous blog post "there must be more than this", where I said that there must be more to life than constantly wanting the warmth of friendship and replaying fuzzy memories.) Life is more than exciting little (meaningless) goals and getting a high from relational issues. It's about God.

It's hard to be honest with yourself and not deny that you have a ton of wrong/false statements/beliefs/feelings in you. We fool ourselves lots of times and try to tell ourselves that we do pursue God, when we clearly don't, or that we do have our identity rooted in Christ, when we don't. I admit (and it's hard to admit this because I also have spiritual pride) that my life/focus wasn't centered on God Himself. On knowing God and desiring God. But desiring this feeling, this emotional high of conflicts and closeness, goals and ambitions.

This evening I was listening to Nickelback and related artists, and I felt a lot of energy from listening to slightly angry songs. And it felt really good. But that's so wrong. To want to be angry for the sake of having more energy and passion. (do we spend our emotional energy/passions on junk?)

And I was going to say that I feel like I don't desire anything. But the truth is I do desire many things, and very very greatly but I don't know how to get to them (fear?lack of trust?), so I therefore "don't" desire anything. It's like when people who are afraid of getting hurt don't try to get closer to people. And they tell themselves and others that they're just not the type of people who enjoys having really close friendships. The truth is that they do desire it, but because of their fear, they think they don't desire it. We were created to desire fellowship, with God and others.

I learned a lot about myself from writing this blog post. but gotta remember these two verses:

All a man's ways seem right to him, but the Lord weighs the heart ~prov 21

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean NOT on your own understanding ~prov 3

God understands us and the world more than we can understand. In the end, we just gotta trust in Him and make sure our heart is following after His.

Closer

Strip away my pride Lord, so I can be closer to you.

Sometimes we get into the mentality of “Be careful; don’t be prideful”, and we remind ourselves of that. This is good, but sometimes we forget the point of not wanting to be prideful. We don’t aim for humility so we can be a “good person” or a “good” Christian. Pride distances us from God—pride as well as all sin—and that should really really grieve us, because we love God and desire to be closer to Him.

Cast me not away from Thy presence O Lord
Take not thy Holy Spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me.

I thought of this--the stuff above that I wrote-- as I was just reading Nehemiah 1:4. This verse really captured my attention.
(Nehemiah has just heard that Jerusalem is in shambles physically and spiritually).
"When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven."

It captured my attention because I realized how greatly the news affected Nehemiah. And how his weeping, mourning, fasting was so sincere, and not just doing it as a formula for getting right with God, but that he really grieved for the sins of Jerusalem.

My Father in Heaven

It's Father's Day! As I was making something for my earthly father, I thought of my heavenly Father.

Father God, You know me more

Than I know.

You clothe me and take me

By the hand.

You walk

With me. I do not realize

You are all

I need. All

I want.

You are.

You are all.

Prayer

A little girl prays out loud, "God, give me a beautiful day on Saturday for my birthday".

It rains on Saturday.

Someone comes up to the little girl and says: "I guess God didn't answer your prayer".

The little girl replies: "He did. He said 'no' "

There must be more than this

I'm home, and I miss everyone at Cornell already. Scenes/memories of this year, of warmth run through my mind, and it baffles me how people can have so much love. I am truly overwhelmed. And my heart aches.

In middle school I was very bad at this. at moving on / saying goodbye /'dealing' with loving people and warm memories. And by very bad I mean crying for 1-2 years after someone special to me moved away. I wasn't good at this at all. Not that I'm any better now, but I guess God has taught me a lot since then. about pressing on toward the goal, looking ahead. And also that my heart/mind should be fixed on Him.

All this came to me as I stumbled across the song "Consuming Fire"

There must be more than this, O breath of God come breathe within
There must be more than this, Spirit of God we wait for you
Fill us anew we pray, Fill us anew we pray

The key phrase that resonated with me was "there must be more than this". In my mind, it meant: there must be more than this; there must be more to life than constantly seeking that warmth of friendship, and replaying those nice fuzzy memories, and longing to be entrenched in a community of love. There is more to life than harmonious loving relationships. All these are very good, and even Apostle Paul says that he thanks the Lord every time he thinks of his brothers. So I don't mean that we should forget people once they are not around us; that's not good. Paul constantly prayed for people in various places and wrote them encouraging letters when he couldn't be with them, and Paul said that he yearned to be with them. And we should do the same: continue to pray, love and encourage brothers and sisters who are not with us at the moment. Yet, at the same time, we should set our minds on things above, continue to press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called us heavenward.

A pastor wrote: "But if we have no vision, we perish because we end up spending all of our energy either trying to find pleasure or working to stay out of pain"
and that's kind of how I feel about changes in life. When we have a vision, a goal, a direction in life, we won't spend our time constantly seeking pleasure or preoccupied with avoiding pain. Of course, having a direction in life doesn't mean knowing exactly what God has called you to, because we don't know. And I struggled so long with this and still do, because I long to know what it is that God has called me to do so that I can start running after it.
It.
'so that I can start running after it'.
There is something wrong with that statement. And I keep forgetting that it's not really about running after your calling in life, but running after God. And God will guide you to where He wants you to be and what He wants you to do. so this vision, this direction in life is God. And this leads me to share another song that has been on my heart: "One Pure and Holy Passion"

Give me one pure and Holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after you

And that is the ambition, and that is the direction: to run after God. Not ministry or calling, but God.

And if you look at the big guys in the old testament: David, Moses, Joseph, etc. None of them had this grand plan of how they were going to do something awesome for God, but God chose them. And God put them where they needed to be and told them what to do. And all the glory went to God. A lot of times, I think that I need to come up with this awesome idea/plan of what I'm gonna do in the future, but then I forget that that's not what life is about.

What doesn’t destroy me makes me stronger?

A popular quote: What doesn’t destroy me makes me stronger
really?

But part of me is like: BUT WHAT IF I GET DESTROYED!?!

The closest bible verse is about suffering producing perseverance, character, hope
Romans 5:3-5 we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

so... I am ignoring the bible verse, because when I'm like "WHAT IF I GET DESTROYED?" I'm essentially saying: What if suffering DOESN'T produce character and hope? But it does. According to His word it does.
And it does because of His goodness and love and the Holy Spirit in us.

I'm not afraid of not making it to the other end of the tunnel. I'm more afraid of how I will turn out at the other end of the tunnel. Even if I don't get destroyed, even if I make it through the tunnel, I don't want to get damaged..

I feel like this quote, "What doesn't destroy me makes me stronger", ignores other aspects of being destroyed. What if something doesn't destroy you literally, but you come out of the tunnel angry, traumatized, bitter, tired, defeated ..? yes, you 'made it through'. but you are "destroyed" in a way.

and that is my fear.

But I forget that God is always with me. And I forget His goodness. Or more like I don't trust it. And I don't trust that if I do get hurt, that he will heal me and comfort me and renew me.

And my other fear is that at the end of all this, there isn't a reward that I have gained that I want that I don't already have. One way people deal with this fear of no (worthy) reward is that they know that God has called them to this path, and so their reward is obeying God and knowing He is pleased and doing it for Him.
But the problem is I don't know really know. At times I'm completely convicted that this is where I should be and what I should do. And at other times, I'm like: okay, I've gotten a lot out of this already and it's time to move on; this couldn't possibly be what God wants me to do.

Uncertainty. A lot of times when we ask God for direction, we ask motivated by our uncomfortable-ness with uncertainty. We seek God not to seek God but to seek direction.

I know my earthly parents. I know whether or not they would be okay with me doing this or that. I know how to explain my decisions using their reasoning. I know what pleases them. and I know they're proud of me even when I fail. Because I know they know this is not what life is about. Failure is good because you learn from it. And life is not about short-term "success".

And so, I feel like I need to know God, my Heavenly Father, more. So that the more I know God, perhaps the more I'd know about what pleases and honors Him. And thus make wiser, more Godly decisions.