Family culture

Despite how different my brother and I are, more and more I can see that we have some similarities. We love people. We have the same gifting of bringing people together and creating a family culture. And it comes from my parents. 

This trip to NJ was like a dream come true. My husband could see the beauty of my family fully, and how my family has been a home for others, and how all of my brother's friends are family too. There are always a bunch of his friends at our house. They all live a short distance away -- a few of them even walking distance. Jon got to fully experience my family culture. And we got to participate in it together, encouraging the NJ clan in the triathlon, playing games with them, hanging out, etc. 

Our home is like a community center, esp when my brother is at home. Everyone just comes over, and it's super lively. 

I know I can't expect community to always feel like what I felt this past week, especially as people grow busy with life/work and "their own family", and as people live farther apart, and as the Church grows bigger. 

But regardless, it's the dream. It's my dream to have family wherever I go and to create family wherever I go. Your problems are my problems. And your victories are my victories. 

Marriage

 I know I've only been married 9 months, but so far, I would say marriage is a lot better than I expected. I thought I would get bored eating every meal, because it's so routine and boring. But it's not that big of a deal; it becomes a part of life -- cooking and eating together. I thought I would get bored doing the same things all the time, or trying to do everything together. But it turns out, I still have my individuality. We can do things independently too. We have a nice balance of doing things together and doing things apart. And it's nice to have the stability and security of always having someone be apart of almost everything.

And it's nice to be silly with (or to eye roll at) each other. Even though we see each other's weaknesses, we don't really mind. You be you, and I'll be me. And hopefully we become better over time.

Of course, all this will probably change when we have kids. But I'm probably wrong about kids too. I probably wrongly think they will take my life and individuality away. That I'll be a professional chauffeur, driving them to piano and swimming and whatever else lessons. Everything becomes about them, and I'll have no identity. And then when I try to make friends with other moms, all they'll want to talk about is their kids. Can we just talk about what God is doing in your life? Can you just talk about how you're feeling? Can we just cry together and be vulnerable with each other? 

Actually, I think that won't happen. Someone reminded me that our generation is different. We still keep our identities even when we become moms. And the other factor I missed is that you'll love your kids so much, you won't mind talking about them all the time. A common thing I hear from moms is that they go on "vacation" away from their kids, and then they start to miss their kid right away. But that was the whole point of the "vacation away from kids"..... Or the couple goes on a date while their parents/friends watch their kids, and the couple just ends up missing their baby or talking about the baby on the date... When I hear those stories, I just can't imagine myself feeling the same way. But that's probably because I'm not a mom. 

I really like science experiments and psychological observations (and forming bad theories out of them). So maybe having a kid will just give me more material for my theories and experiments. 

Intimacy of the Mind

Someone said something to me this week that stood out: 

They told me to meditate on God's word because then you will know His thoughts and how He thinks; it is a form of intimacy - intimacy of the mind. 

Of course I have always known it is good to meditate on God's word, but I never thought about it as "intimacy of the mind". That stuck out to me, firstly because I love intimacy and the feeling of vulnerability, and second because sometimes I spend a lot of time replaying social situations and words people say to me. Sometimes for my own sake, for processing or whatever. But sometimes to help me empathize with them and try to understand how they think and feel and act. It is always a great feeling to be able to know how a friend thinks and feels. How much greater if you can think the way God thinks? 

I guess it's a little weird but sometimes I learn to love God by thinking about how I love my friends. The bible mentions it too -  "for whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen". Perhaps it is easier to love those you can see, because they are more tangible, and more understandable. Of course, we can love at all because God loved us first. And of course, we prioritize loving God first, before loving people, but honestly they come hand in hand; you cannot separate a love for God and a love for His people. 

Vulnerability

 Someone once asked how I can feel so comfortable with intimacy. I do like intimacy. I like depth, I like looking into people's eyes. I like crying and seeing people cry. I like vulnerable people. And I like the feeling of being vulnerable. 

But this type of feeling goes away when you are close to someone long term. Like a family member or spouse. After a while you just feel safe and comfortable with them. You don't "feel vulnerable" even though you are being vulnerable. But I like feeling of "feeling vulnerable" and naked. 

I realized that I can always get that "feeling of vulnerability" with God. As I go deeper with Him, He just manages to strip away even more of the onion that I didn't know existed. And I'm always surprised how much deeper there still is to go. He touches the parts of my heart that have never been touched by anyone else. He can go where no human can go. Maybe I am addicted to God. Addicted to going deeper. 

Actually, perhaps it's not even a "feeling of vulnerability", it's just His presence. Going deeper into His presence. He is so holy that you just feel more and more naked as you go closer. 

Friendship

 In life group, the discussion leader asked us to think about a time when a close friend helped us through difficult times. Immediately tears flooded my eyes and I started tearing. 

It wasn't even a specific incident, but many times. I thought of all the dark times I've been through, and how people and God have always been with me through those things. 

 I had a mutual best friend in 2nd grade through the rest of elementary school. We confessed to each other that we were the other's best friend. And in very Jamie fashion, I didn't confess first. To this day, I remember this conversation. 

Charlene: "Guess who my best friend is?" 

Of course, I'm not dumb. Anyone who is asking me that must be talking about me. But I'm also modest. So of course I'm like "Cindy?" -  just named someone else. "Nope. Guess again". That's how the confession went. Actually I'm not sure if I ever confessed back to her. I only remember that she confessed to me. 

Friendship is really interesting. Deep, deep friendship is always something I've wanted -- ever since puberty. Close friendship has always been one of my top dreams. It is a dream I have attained but still continue to pursue, including my friendship with Jesus. 

Recently, I've been more in sync with God, and it makes me so happy. I don't want to lose it. 

Grateful

 "His kindness draws us to repentance"

I felt this kind of gratefulness today. Something really positive happened. It's technically not a big deal; anyone on the outside would have just been like "that's awesome" and really happy and that's it. But, I was pretty shocked and speechless and grateful, all at the same time. For me, it was especially meaningful; it was redemptive. 

I felt like I didn't deserve it, but also at the same time I felt like I did deserve it.

Or rather, I felt like I deserved it, but I couldn't believe I was actually receiving what I deserve, rather than receiving less than I deserve, because of the reality of the way things work. 

Anyway, it was a complex emotion. 

For someone who pretends not to care about work, I guess I care about work a great deal. 

Recently, I had a realization that sometimes asking people about their work is a way of showing you care about them. People spend 40 or more hours working per week. Regardless of whether or not they love their job, they spend a significant portion of their life doing it. So, it makes sense, as someone who loves and cares about them, to want to know what they spend a significant portion of their life doing. I know that usually people give brief answers when asked what they do, because they assume no one is truly interested in what they do. Or that no one will respect or understand what they do. 

I realized that sometimes when I ask people about their work, and continue to dig deeper and ask more and more follow-up questions, people are pretty eager to talk about their work. 

In the past, I have done this more with guys. And occasionally, as a joke, I call it "ego stroking". I am stroking their ego by talking/asking about their work, and I am stroking my own ego because I am able to understand their work and have a fruitful conversation about work despite not being in their field. However, I recently realized that it is not (just) an ego-stroking activity. It is loving and respecting people and what they spend a significant portion of their lives doing. 

I had another theory recently, somewhat related. That guys play more video games now because work is boring and they need some place to be competitive. Work used to be more tiring and competitive, but now we have machines and corporations. In corporations, everything is streamlined so you get just one tiny piece of the puzzle to work on. Life is boring, so you need more work - aka video games. Anyways. just a random thought I had. We are made to work.

Soft Spot

One time I was explaining how I view two people differently even though they made the same error. For one of them, I just don't blame them or feel negatively towards them. I was really confused about it. Then someone told me: yeah, you have a soft spot for person X. 

Today I was thinking about that concept-- of having a soft spot for someone. They could commit the same offense as someone else but you just have a soft spot for them so they're forgiven more easily. 

If you were an authority figure over people, this "soft spot" for someone under you would be deemed favoritism, which has a more negative connotation compared to "soft spot"

Perhaps with friendships or peers, it's called "chemistry"/"vibes" or "loyalty"/"homies" or just affection / compassion. Some people you just vibe with or understand better, so you get why they would do what they do. "That's just who they are". Or you're more willing to hear them out. Basically, you just love them more. You just have a soft spot for them. The rules don't apply as harshly to them. 

I guess I really appreciate when people have a soft spot for me. I don't deserve the grace that they give me. 

But does God have a soft spot for me? 

Doesn't the bible say God disciplines those He loves? Yet it also says His kindness leads us to repentance. So, is there a season for discipline and a season for grace? Or is it that we always have both? Both makes more sense. I guess sometimes when people forgive you too hard, you almost feel bad, like it's discipline enough to feel bad. 

I think I don't feel bad as often as the average normal-Asian American Christian, but recently, I've felt bad a couple of times. So maybe that is discipline from God. 

Anyways. Soft spot. I like that word. God has a soft spot for me.