Beauty and Love

I'm not a super visual person so when I say "beauty", I'm not talking physical beauty. Physical beauty rarely evokes an emotional response in me. I do like physical beauty. Pretty flowers, nice haircuts, nice-looking people. Of course they're still nice to look at, but I don't feel overcome with this feeling of love and compassion and/or longing. 

My dad really loves the James Blunt song "Beautiful" because he claims every guy has experienced this, where they see the most beautiful person they've ever seen before, on some train or subway, and they know they'll never be with them. It sounds like these moments evoke an emotional response in these guys. Beauty becomes love at first sight. 

For me, I see beauty in people -- their personalities, their passions, the way they are, their weaknesses even. 

This past Sunday, the worship lead sang this song, and she went all out, poured her heart into the song. I just looked at her and cried because it was so beautiful. In that moment, I felt warmth and love and compassion fill my heart. And I thought to myself: I miss this. I miss seeing beauty all the time.

In college, I remember I would think everyone is so cute. People are so cute. I just loved the way they were. One time, my apartment-mate was explaining some kitchen/food stuff to me, and I just looked at her and thought it was so beautiful. The way she explained everything. So direct and concise and certain. 

I love crying, because I love having a soft heart. I hate when my heart has grown numb and existentially bored with life, all of which is a precursor to depression, the greatest pain of them all. Recently, slash my whole life, I have experienced bouts of this type of "boredom", which someone helped me relabel as "existential boredom" to be more specific. Maybe this is a gift that I've been born with--the fact that I can't be satisfied very easily. I need more. Give me Jesus. 

The Risk of Not Having Hobbies and Interests

 I realized recently that it actually feels pretty "insecure" to not have hobbies (that define you, that you can hold onto).

I'm most interested in people and doing things for people and making people happy and being around people I love. 

The problem with that is that you rely on others. And that makes me feel vulnerable. I just exist to make others happy?? What if others don't need you, don't want you? What about my own identity?

It makes it hard to answer things like: "What is your dream career? What are you interested in?"

Or when people tell you to "stop living for others" and to "do what you want to do". But what do I really want to do? What do I want? What do I even like? Who am I?

--

I'm kind of in a slump these days, at work and personal/spiritual life. I don't feel passionate about anything. I sort of feel like maybe I should change careers, but I don't know what I should change to. I'm unmotivated at work, and I can't figure out why. Is it because everything is remote, and I'm motivated by people interaction? (And by "people interaction" I really mean coworkers roasting each other and telling funny stories of their moms or whatever)

As much as I hated globalfoundries, I remember it was fun, and I was motivated (at least the first two years). Everyone was a fresh grad from college or grad school. We would roast each other at work, gossip about stuff, eat lunch together, get angry at "stupid" people at work. Fun times. But how much of that fun is about the people and not the work? I don't know. 

That warm feeling

 It's really nice when someone believes in you. Usually when people think of someone believing in them, they think of someone who believes in what they are able to do.

But I care more about who I am, versus what I can do. 

Therefore, it's much more touching when someone believes in who I am

One time someone told me a secret and said I trust you. And I told her: I don't know if I deserve your trust, because I have not been perfect at keeping secrets. Then I named a recent time when I messed up. But she said: I still trust you. 

For some reason, I thought about this while driving today, and it brought me to tears. It's really nice when people believe in you and trust you, and trust your intentions. even though you aren't perfect. 

--

Yesterday, Jon had surgery to put in screws since he broke his wrist playing softball. Due to bad communication from the doctor /nurses, and things taking longer than expected, I ended up waiting outside the hospital in my car for almost 7 hours (I could have gone home if I knew it would take so long). Anyways, it's not a big deal for me since I had people to text while I was in my car, and I listened to music. I'm pretty good at doing nothing, like when I go on long plane rides, I prefer to spend time in my own thoughts and sleep, versus watching movies. So, it really wasn't a big deal. But everyone started feeling bad for me (and Jon), especially since our life groups had a joint event at his house, that we thought we would make, but ended up missing. 

When we finally came home at midnight, a few people were still there waiting for us. They really didn't have to wait for us, but it was so nice to see them. It was so, so nice. 

I always get made fun of for using really lame adjectives like "great", "nice", "good", but I hope you can really feel the depth of how nice it was. That warm feeling that people love you, believe in you, and are always there for you.  

Super busy

I've been super busy the past few weeks: the NJ reception/engagement party, work (new team that is super busy), trying to remodel the townhouse in 3 weeks (hardwood floor, walls, closets, entire bathroom, recess lights, blinds, etc.), and buying furniture, while still doing the normal Church stuff (which is the most enjoyable and least busy haha). 

But yeah wow, I haven't felt busy in a long time. In the past few weeks or longer, I've felt zero boredom. There is so much to do and juggle that I'm not bored at all. That's a pretty rare statement for me. And it's great. I hate feeling emotionally bored. 

However, on the flip side, I hate feeling shallow. The busyness had cut into my emotional capacity and ability to process deeply about how I am doing and what my deep thoughts/feelings are. 

I also realized that I have a low-tolerance threshold when it comes to work. I complain about having to work a lot and needing to eat lunch during meetings (if I have time to eat at all). But if I objectively think about it, I'm not working THAT much. Last week was one of the peak weeks of the quarter and I worked 54 hours, but prior weeks were less. Maybe it's just that, before this team, I probably worked way less than 40 hours a week, so it's definitely an adjustment, both the hours and the pace. 

I think I have higher tolerance for Church stuff and personal life stuff. Perhaps I have entitlement syndrome for work because it's more transactional and less loyalty-based... "I deserve better", "I can get a better job", but you can't say or think that in your personal life; the people in your personal life--friends, family, etc-- are permanent; you're forced to work through issues. But yeah, I think God is growing my tolerance at work too, and teaching me to work through issues, to change culture, to stand up for what I think is right, and fight for change. Basically, take ownership instead of always thinking of bouncing when things aren't the best. Be a leader, essentially. 

Transition

I force myself to write at least 1 blog post every month, so I'm nearing my deadline here. 

I'm not always as deep as my blog posts tend to be. If you catch me sharing about my week at life group, I'll most likely tell you what I did rather than how I am doing. Even when (or if) my closest friends ask me how I'm doing, I may not always be able to provide a deep satisfying response. As in satisfying to me. I get disappointed in myself if I'm not going deep. And I feel like I owe something deep and something genuine to people. But I'm not always able to access that quickly.  I have a strong desire for connection and intimacy, which I feel are facilitated by depth. 

Lately, I've been sensing transition. I'm getting married soon. I transitioned to a new team at work (that works longer hours). My friends are busier (and so am I). I've been ramping up on some hobbies. Church is opening, and we all have to wake up early to drive there. Overall, I feel like I should be grieving because I am spending less time with my closer friends, compared to several months ago. But I'm not grieving, and I'm a little confused. Probably because I know it's time. It's time to transition to post-covid life. It's time to sleep early and wake up early. It's time to be focused and run. I'm excited for what God has in store for me, for us.

So what's next?
A continual pursuit of depth. I realize more and more that what I am looking for, can only be found in God. The mystery and the depth. The eye contact that reaches the soul and the physical touch that warms the heart. Nothing can replace an encounter with God, and being continually in an intimate relationship with Him. But I do think that the more we give to others, the more God gives to us. Like I remember in the past, sometimes I'm tired and don't even feel like loving others, but as soon as I see them, they are able to pull it out of me. God gives us more, when we need more. God partners with us. And I do believe the more we give, the more we receive... as a principle of stewardship. Basically, to sum it up: a pursuit of God and others.

Also, I like this music video. Not for the lyrics or even the singing, but for the heart. It's so pure. 

Birthday Wish

You know how people tell you to "make a wish" before blowing out your candle(s)? I was thinking: well, who am I "making a wish" to? I guess that would be God. But then, I can ask God for anything any time. So then why is a birthday wish meaningful? 

Throwing out my bad fake logic from above, I still think it can be meaningful and that God cares about my "birthday wish". I guess it's like a tradition, or a check-in point for people, to evaluate what they really want, on their birthday. 

What do I really want for my birthday, from God? My immediate thoughts went to either other people's healing (please heal XYZ people emotionally), or to mend relational tensions, because often it's easy to just want God to hurry up and "fix it" -- whatever "it" is. But sometimes God wants to grow us by making us do the work, or having us partner with Him to "fix" it. And sometimes God doesn't just magically fix things instantly, but He has a plan.

So I scrapped those ideas and searched deeper in my heart. My deepest desire is to be able to love God more. To be able to really love God with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul, and all my strength. And also to really genuinely love others. 

I know it sounds so cliche, like I'm just reciting some sunday school answer, but it's so real to me that I can tear up and cry just thinking about how much I long to be able to love God more. Not that crying is the standard for genuine feeling, but this is truly my strongest desire in life. To love God with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul and all my strength. I don't even need to mention loving people, because you can't love God without loving those whom God loves. And my only desire there would be that I can love people the way God loves me. I am so loved. 

I Know I'll Never Love This Way Again

I'll Never Love This Way Again - super old song by Dionne Warwick

I don't know many songs but for some reason I know this random old song. It's on my melancholic playlist

I was listening to the song with the lyrics again today, and I didn't realize how "mature" the lyrics actually are. Especially the second verse: 

A fool will lose tomorrow, reaching back for yesterday

I won't turn my head in sorrow, if you should go away

I'll stand here and remember, just how good it's been

And I know I'll never love this way again

Except, I'd like to change the conclusion from "I know I'll never love this way again" to: "I hope I'll always love this way, again and again" -- that each person I meet and love, only increases my capacity to love, in a deeper and better way. 

I understand the sentiment that "I'll never love this way again" is because you want to reserve special affection towards someone, and there couldn't possibly be anyone the same; there couldn't possibly be anyone who could replace that person, the memories and the affection. But I see love as bigger than that. Love permanently changes you. If that love was so significant and made such a positive impact on you, then it should have made you better, given you strength to carry that forward and view life in a positive hopeful way. 

But yea, of course, there is a time for grieving. 

Many people have experienced grieving over the loss of their college days. One of the memorable times for me was in 2016, when I was in Indiana, a college friend texted me a photo of one of my close college friends being very her. Someone was hugging her and she was like rolling her eyes. Seeing the picture brought me to tears while I was in the Walmart parking lot. I knew that even if I found a job in CA, that it would never be the same again. That was when I felt like I fully grieved for the loss of college days.

In 2013, in upstate NY, a bunch of my co-workers (who were also friends) were hanging out at someone's apartment, having a really great time. There was a snow storm outside; we were all sitting on the carpet joking around. Afterwards, I saw one of my coworker's blog posts--this was my college friend also, and the person I was closest to at work, who was about to leave the company soon. She titled the post "Half Pain Half Joy". She writes: "I will remember this day. The beginning is defined to be indefinite, but I only want this all to end. Is it years of nostalgia that will follow?" It was so well-worded and memorable that I still remember her post 8 years later. 

A few weeks ago, Church people asked if they could schedule a meeting on my birthday, and I was like "yea, it's fine. Every day is my birthday". I really meant that. I do feel like every day is my birthday. The past 8 months, I have been able to hang out quite often with my 'social bubble' aka closest friends. There were a few months that I hung out so much that it felt like college again. or a retreat. It was beyond amazing.

But I know COVID is almost over. Traffic / rush hour is returning. People are going to go back to Church in-person, and work in-person; I can't sleep late anymore; I can't take naps in-between meetings. I can't play with my friends as much anymore. Life will resume. It'll be hard to adjust. But it'll be a healthy adjustment. This year was like a giant retreat -- really healing, a lot of friendships, a lot of love. But it's time to adjust to new changes ahead. A new season as the charismatics like to call it. I did write about some of my COVID takeaways in the Ignite women's blog