Thinking in the future

Yesterday, I was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness, and the feeling lingered on still this morning; I couldn't shake it off. Usually listening to worship music helps, but sometimes the feeling is so strong that music just at best, contains it. (I really enjoyed listening to Here Again by Elevation Worship).

I recognized that the feelings were genuine and natural, and that it is important to be honest with how I feel, but also remember that I believe in Jesus, and my hope comes from Him.

I most often try to use emotional methods to solve my emotional issues. (i.e. talk with a friend, use music, etc.) However, I realized that I can use my mind to lead my emotions. I know I have Jesus. Nothing can separate me from the love of Jesus. I will declare this truth as long as I live. By speaking the truth to myself and to my emotions, I am fighting for my emotions. My mind and willpower fight for my feelings to come into alignment with the word of God. Sometimes worship music does help in this regard because you can belch out the song as a declaration of God's truth.

As I was driving home, I thought to myself: What do I want to be like when I am 50 years old? I used to think 20s were the "prime age"--the most exciting age. But now, I think 50s-60s is prime. Most of the people I really respect are at least 50. I want to love God when I am old, not just when I am young. I thought about how beautiful it will be to be 80 and still love God so much (and hopefully more), and be able to look back on my life and see how God brought me so far in life, and how beautiful a journey it has been, despite all the hard times and all the hurt. Out of great suffering and pain, can come great beauty, because God doesn't waste our suffering. God doesn't waste our pain. 

In light of that, I would like to recommend a movie that has made it to my favorites list.
"I can only Imagine" - I watched this on my United flight to the east coast. I cried so much. I couldn't stop crying. It was so, so beautiful.

Not only does God not waste our pain, God is our hope. Even though I'm technically a "present-minded" person according to personality tests, it really does help to think really far out into the future--it reduces my present concerns and worries, because I start to realize that life is long. Yet, at the same time, I also realize that life is short, and that soon I will be with God.

New level of security

Recently, I realized that I have gotten to a new level of security in Christ, compared to several months ago, or even the last couple of weeks.

The things that once made me feel insecure no longer strongly affect me. They might affect me mildly for a few hours, but I just smile and know in my heart and my mind that I have God. I know who I am. The truth has truly set me free.

There were several events/tests just this week. Situations or thoughts involving different people who  are close to me, but none of the situations/thoughts made me feel insecure.

In the past, my family and close friends would easily affect me. I think they still can, but my security has increased to a new level. I'm not afraid of losing people close to me or getting rejected. I'm also not going to believe any lies that my family might be believing, and I'm not affected by their ungodly fears. I know who I am. I know what and whom I have.

It wasn't like I was completely invincible. There would be familiar floating thoughts that come by, but this time, those thoughts seemed so foreign to me. I could recognize them as blatant lies from the enemy. It was almost like: wow, I've been through this already. I've already conquered this battle.

God is so good :) I got a breakthrough without really even hardcore pursuing it.

GPS

Yesterday while driving, my phone decided to do a software update. Thus, I couldn't use my GPS while it was updating. I was driving back from my eye doctor appointment back to work so this was not my normal route, and I'm a person who always uses GPS. I have a weak sense of direction, and a weaker confidence in my sense of direction. (Though my sense of direction seems magically improved when I'm alone, and worsened when with others)

But I just kept driving and reading signs. I saw Sunnyvale and a LinkedIn building, and saw on my car that I was going North, so I knew I probably should keep driving. Eventually I saw 1st street and zanker signs and got off there, and made my way to work.

It was pretty amazing, even though I know it sounds lame.

I felt like God was saying that is what life is like sometimes. When you're trying to receive directions from God and you're not hearing anything, maybe you need to look around at signs that point you to your destination. Keep driving (I had thoughts of pulling over and waiting for my phone to finish), and you'll see the signs eventually.

Other's words as a mirror

Either words have started to mean more to me in the past 6 months, or I've gotten a lot of highly encouraging words.

Today, my life coach told me at the end of our session: "you have a heart that seems soft towards the things of God". 

That was so reassuring, and warmed my heart. It was like, if she sees that (after hearing all my honest internal thoughts and how I process things), then how much more does God see that?

Sometimes I'm so set on pleasing God and pursuing God and doing the right thing, that I forget that He's with me in the process and journey, and He's pleased with me. 

It's never just the words that matter. It's how you say the words. The most encouraging words are sometimes very simple, but it's who says it, in what context and how much of their heart is in it when they say it/how much they believe it. 

It is these encouragements that we meditate on. In the same way, we are able to meditate on God's words to us. We will be transformed by the renewing of our mind. 

Enneagram 9

I read about the Enneagram way back in middle school and/or high school. At that time, I thought it was an okay personality test, and that the myers briggs was way more helpful in understanding others.

But today, I just read the ennegram description of myself, and it was super insightful--both the description of myself and my romantic compatibility with various types.

Things that really resonated with me:

1.  9s tend to idealize their romantic partner and sometimes the other person cannot live up to the image that the 9 has of them in their imagination. 9s that are paired with other 9s can be problematic because most of the relationship may occur in their imagination of the other rather than being in real contact with the other person
2. 9s tend to focus on other people, wondering what they are like, etc. They tend to melt into other people and have difficulty knowing or admitting their own needs
3. Growth recommendations: 9s should try to exert themselves and pay attention to what is going on and not tune out or daydream. They should exercise more to be more aware of their own body

A lot of passiveness and imagination. 

I really resonate with the imagination part. I feel that a lot of the deep affection I have for my friends stems out of frequent idealization and imagination of our friendship. That's not necessarily bad. It helps me to be loyal, despite infrequency of contact. It helps me to have strong affections for people. But I can see how it can become problematic in a romantic relationship when you have to deal with real issues and not just idealize the other person. 

I also really resonate with a tendency to 'melt into other people' and not know how you feel because you're so focused on how others feel. The best example I can think of is when I was coordinating housing in college. In my heart, I really wanted to live with certain people, but my mind really did not know what my heart wanted. I literally thought I was cool with whatever and was willing to sacrifice myself for the group. Often, it is only when I am alone at night, when I realize how I truly feel and what I truly want. When I'm with people, it's hard to feel and know what I truly want. It's a very strange phenomenon that actually happens quite often, though this example is pretty old. 

Tuning out. I think this happens more with unfamiliar settings due to being an introvert. I know I tend to tune out when there's too many people I don't know, but I try not to. I really don't like it when I tune out. I feel un-human when that happens, like am I really alive? Am I really on this earth? 

There's a line and we've crossed it

This (spontaneous) song resonates so much with me right now

There's a line and we've crossed it
Some would say that we've lost it
But we found our joy
It's the joy of knowing You

like, wow. I feel this song. Literally every line.

There's a line and I've crossed it.

I love that it mentions joy. That's where my craziness goes towards. It's not a desperation that leads to condemnation or striving or religiosity. It's a desperation that leads to joy. I'm so, so desperate for more of Jesus.

A few weeks ago, I heard a minister talk about his growth with Jesus, and that at some point his level of desperation was greater than his level of fear, and that's what propelled him to step out in faith (and pray for the sick). This desperation is out of love and joy, not condemnation or striving. Sometimes the word desperation comes with a condemnation/striving undertone, but that's not what I'm getting at. I'm more getting at the word "hunger", but that word seems to have lost its saltiness. I like the word "desperate", because we use it in daily language. For example, "I'll use dating apps when I get desperate" or "I don't want to appear desperate".

I have to admit. I'm desperate. I'm desperate for more of Jesus.
That's why I literally don't care if people judge me for going to tons of conferences. I'm desperate. I want impartation. I want more.

It also really helps that I have people around me who are just as desperate and hungry. It's so, so amazing to be able to walk with and grow with people. I never, never, would have dreamed that this was possible--to have people my age, my demographic, who are even more hungry than I am, for the things of God, including the supernatural. To have people not just willing to let me pray for them for physical healing, but desiring and believing that they will be healed when prayed for. And no one makes it super spiritual or a big deal. It's just normal. People coming up to me and/or texting me about words they've received from God for me. It's a community where it's safe to practice and take risks. I've been so blessed.

What's right

Sometimes we're just so obsessed with doing what's "right", when there's no right answer. There's only whatever God wants, but you're not really sure what God wants. And when you think you know what God wants, some people tell you you're wrong. And then you're like, well what if those people are wrong? But what if I'm wrong?

Sometimes it's so annoying when people tell you you're wrong. Not because I don't want to be wrong, though that is always part of it. But it's more because it makes you doubt your ability to hear from God and it erodes your confidence in your own wisdom and ability to make decisions. It's almost sets you back a step spiritually & maturity-wise, like you're not sure if you can make any decisions on your own anymore. you thought you felt conviction; you thought you heard from God, but maybe you didn't. Maybe you're wrong.

I guess it's better to be humble and slightly less confident about my ability to hear from God, than to be prideful and make the "right" decision? And if God really wanted me to make that decision, He could probably remove the obstacles. And I guess sometimes we have to accept the fact that we will sometimes never really know if we made the right choice or not, if that's really what God wanted.

The problem with all of this, is that you are responsible for your decisions. Other people can provide counsel, but you have to make the decision. You own all the responsibility of that decision. So, at the end of the day, you have to believe it's the right decision. There has to be some conviction, even if your conviction changed 50 times in the process.

Maybe that's the beauty of life and the process. Trust the process. Trust God in the process, even when He seems silent. Freedom includes the freedom to make mistakes. Freedom also includes the freedom to ask God any detail at all, because He cares about all the details. I mean, seriously, God could have been like: just build a big boat. But He gave detailed instructions to Noah on how to build that ark.

Anyway, in conclusion, I can still have confidence in my identity as a daughter, and that Father God is proud of me.

In the quiet pride of my Father's eyes
I remember who I am
When I feel the warmth of my Father's smile
Feels like I've been born again

-Born Again by Cory Asbury