"Missing" God's will

One of the great things about the bay area is that there are always conferences going on, and evenings are often free. I've been here 5 months and I've been to 5 conferences here -- not the entire conference, but just dabbling in some of the evenings. I mean, usually it's a Friday night and I can either go home and do nothing, or go to a charismatic conference and enjoy the worship and God's presence.

So this past weekend, I went to a conference 2 nights, with Heidi Baker preaching one night and Will Hart preaching the next night. I got more from Heidi's preaching, but there is one important thing I got from Will's message, which I'll paraphrase here:

Some people think that when they make a wrong decision, they "miss God". Like, oh God told me to marry person A but I married person B so I "missed God's will". But even if you did "miss God's will" for that situation, it's not like God just leaves/abandons you and is like: told you so; see ya; bye.

Choosing California over Indiana has haunted and bothered me for a while now. Before I got the California/Intel job offer, I had felt at peace with Indiana (and it took at least a month to finally be at peace and not be bitter about it). Indiana was also confirmed by multiple prophetic people and prayer. And then California came to me. I was elated but confused. Long story short, I didn't have enough faith for Indiana. I wasn't really sure which one was God's will (probably because honestly, I didn't want to "really" be sure that it was Indiana and not California), so I just chose California. And it's honestly not about the weather or the food or "more things to do" as if I do anything anyway. It's because I really really want/need a tight-knit community and I know myself. It will be so tempting in the middle of nowhere to be bitter again, and lonely and do dumb things.

Anyway, I realized in May that this issue has hindered my walk with God because it decreased my confidence in my ability to hear God's voice. But slowly I've come to realize that I should get over this. God is good and He's never abandoning me. Even Israel pleaded for a King and got one, even though God told them they'd be better without a King. So worst case, it's something like that. God still loves me and I'm still his daughter. And He's still a good God who is always with me and loves me with an overwhelming love.

Part 2 of this long blog post: (semi-relevant to part 1).
My mom talked to me about getting rid of bitterness, and I was like: "I don't have any bitterness. Like, there is literally no one I need to forgive, so why would I have any bitterness?"
But then she said bitterness is whenever you complain or are discontent or don't trust God. And then I remembered ALLLLL of my bitterness while living in the middle of nowhere. And I was like omg, I have so much bitterness from those years when I was such an elitist and thought I deserved better than to live in such a location. I can't say that I've fully repented of elitism; midwest's down-to-earth-ness helped to convert me a bit, but it's really hard to fully get rid of it. Anyway, that was a random side comment about bitterness that I need to address. And trusting God.

The gap period

I think I'm finally past the honeymoon period of my new job, though my job is still probably more exciting or at least equally exciting as my weekends. I was kind of hoping that the honeymoon period would cover the amount of time it would take me to become close to my Church community so that there wouldn't be this boring (or lonely) gap. but sadly, as I predicted, getting close to people takes time. It can be accelerated by taking more initiative, but only by so much.

In this gap period is often when I get tested the most. It's easy to fall back to old unhealthy patterns of spending your time. It's also hard to be motivated to get close to God without having a close community or something else exciting going on in life. When work was exciting, I was just so thankful for my job. My view of life was exciting. I'd wake up and be like, life is awesome. The hidden words after that were: because work is awesome. Work actually helped me to see God in a brighter light. Because I saw hope at work, I also saw hope in my spiritual life and other aspects of life. Each area of my life influences the other areas of my life. I'm supposed to derive my source of joy and hope from God, and have that influence work and other areas of life, but sometimes, without realizing it, it's actually happening the other way around.

That's why these gap periods are good tests, allowing me to see my real state. What I really need is to be able to see more clearly the hope I have in Christ and that He has really amazing plans for me, and a destiny and calling beyond what I can imagine.

It's easy to think the solution is just to get a boyfriend, but there's a honeymoon period for that too. Jesus is the only way to make life truly exciting and full of hope.

Aligned to God's org

Just like the Centurion in Matthew 8, who understood the authority of Jesus through his job, I'm starting to understand more of God's Kingdom through my job.

I work in Sales Operations Finance, and my role as the North America sales forecasting lead, in some companies is actually in the sales organization, rather than the finance organization. However, at my company, we believe that finance can only be truly independent and unbiased if they are aligned to finance instead of the business, which in this case is sales. Therefore, even though I work very closely with sales, I still report to Finance and am in the finance org.

And this week, I realized that it's the same in God's Kingdom. Because I'm a Christian, I'm aligned to God's org. I do have to interact and work with people on Earth on a day-to-day basis, some of whom are not aligned to God's org, but ultimately, at the end of the day, I report to God. He's my manager. My goals are aligned to the goals of God's Kingdom.

It's kind of like how I interact with sales people a lot, and I'm the business partner to the North America Sales VP, and I do need to work closely with them, but my heart is with Finance, because my performance review comes from Finance. At the end of the day, I listen to what Finance wants, not what Sales wants. So, the mentality is: be close to them so you can be a good business partner to them, and influence them towards finance's goals, but remember your allegiance is with finance, not sales.

I thought about this because I made a spiritual mistake or compromise this week where I let fear of man get to me. Sometimes my default action is to do or say whatever pleases people and will make them happy. It's hard to react on the spot in tricky situations, to do what would please God. But then I remembered that it's my mindset. I have to remember who I am, that I'm in God's org and my goals are the goals of the Kingdom of God. I should be unbiased in favor of God's viewpoint. And the more 1:1s I have with Him, the more I understand His heart and my role in his org/Kingdom.

Also, just like how our manager's passion and optimism affects us, God should affect us too. Fortunately, He is never changing, and He is hope and love. so, since God is always in a good mood, we should too, be always full of hope. Hope and hopelessness are both contagious, and we should be contagious with hope.

God is my manager

I love my job. It's only been a month, but I love it so far. It's everything I loved in a job that I realized over the past 2 companies that I've worked for. It's tactical; it's fast-paced; it's relational; it's broad in scope. And on top of that, I have an awesome manager, who spends time with me. Because love is spelled T-I-M-E.

Last last Friday in worship, I felt God say to me that He is my manager. Even though I love my manager at work, God says to me that He is my manager. And He's even greater than anyone I can imagine. He always has time for me. He says we can have 1:1s any time. He always wants the best for me, and believes in my growth. He is my encourager. I can share anything, personal or professional with Him. I can update Him on my life and tell Him of any help needs, because He is powerful and has all authority. He makes things happen, according to His good and perfect will. And His will includes me, because He loves me more than I know. He knows me. He is familiar with all of my ways. Before I tell Him something, He already knows. But He loves to hear it from me anyway, because He loves hearing me talk to Him and spend time with Him.

God is so amazing. This revelation is so amazing.

Honestly, I thought I was going to have a terrible manager, coming here. Part of that was my first impression on the phone with her, and part of that was that I've always had amazing managers and I thought in my heart that I'm due for a bad manager. And part of me thought that maybe God wants to train me and test me through a bad manager. But I stand amazed. And I was mistaken. God has a plan for us. Sometimes we think He just wants to teach us a lesson or train us like an Army commander or something. But God is so much better than that. His plans for us go deep. They're deep and sophisticated and well-planned out. and we have no idea. no idea how good He is. We don't even know.

Value

My value is not based on my knowledge, my experiences, what I can provide, how I can help, how I can make people happy or pleased with me, how much i can impress people, how much of a role I play in transforming people's lives, how wise or mature or humble i am,  how likeable or appropriate acting I am.

It's hard though, especially with new friends, new communities, and a new working environment. With old friends, they already decided to like you, to be your friend. You have memories that won't go away. With new people and new environments, it's always like I'm trying to earn more love and make myself more valuable. How can my skills and diligence and previous working experience and my EQ help make me valuable here in this working environment? How can my deep sharing and vulnerability and mysteriousness and care for others and eye contact  help make others (who already have friends) want to care about me and make me their friend?

Without a kingdom of God mindset, all we focus on is our insecurity and trying to satisfy the never ending hole. But we forget that we have already won. God is pleased with us. We are accepted by God. We have won. Our battle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the forces of evil in the spiritual realm (Eph6:12). So let's not fight the wrong battle here in this short short while that we are in earth.

Moving to California

Part of me is excited to be moving to a new place. Excited to buy a mattress, towels, trash cans and stuff like that. Excited to take my mom to eat fen yuan, and to visit Churches with her on Sunday. Not as excited about starting a new job in a new field because I'm scared I won't be as good as I was in my previous job/field. Not super excited about all the awkward introductions and my super shyness and not knowing how to make conversation with new people at work and outside of work. I haven't talked to new people in so long that I probably suck at it now.

I feel a bit sad leaving my family, especially my brother who is still in high school. Not so much that I'll miss him or that he'll miss me, but more scared that he might not turn out as good without me there helping to explain life and emotions to him, and to mediate between him and my mom. I'm worried about his maturity, his emotional health, and his belief in and relationship with God. But I also trust my mom and dad to take care of him. And I'm trying to trust God. To let go. I'm not his mom anyway. Time to worry about myself and live my own life ?

Part of me is also excited to be farther from the worries of my brother and my family, and my family friends' issues. I still want to know what's going on, but because of the distance, I won't be as preoccupied with their stuff. It won't stress me out as greatly, and I can be a part of a new community in CA.

It feels like I'm letting go of a piece of my life that I really love, and starting something of my own. It takes a while to really get to know a community and enjoy their presence. Maybe as little as a few months, but probably more like half a year to a year. In the meantime, I look forward to enjoying God's presence, God himself and turning my affections and thoughts toward Him. Perhaps getting more into painting in my alone time.

Pretty proud of my first painting, especially since I have basically no artistic talent. To be fair though, I found the picture online, so it wasn't my idea, like I wasn't painting from an image in my mind that I created. That's the goal though, in the future.

Emotional healing

I was re-listening to a teaching on emotional healing and I can't get these quotes out of my head; they're so good.

"Emotional pain doesn't like to be pushed. It needs to be validated, then healed. People are the way that they are for a reason. And it's not generally because I want to be an angry person with rage.. but I somehow got there,.. and so validating that you are the way that you are for a reason..."

"Sometimes honor is all that people need to heal. Sometimes all that people need to hear from you is that your pain matters to God"