The Prodigal Son

Heard this song again on the radio today

 I feel like the prodigal son who has returned home.
The father warmly embraces him and is relentless in pouring out his love towards his son.
It never says how the son feels in response to his father's great love. It only says that at first the son wanted to be a slave,  but it never says afterwards if the son was able to really feel and receive all the love he was given. Or if he felt awkward. I can hardly imagine the younger son being like "Daddy's let's go do this!! Let's go play!" and the relationship being restored immediately to an intimate father-son relationship. Maybe he felt awkward and couldn't fully receive all the love right away.

I think that's how I feel. Or felt.
Free, but awkward.

It's similar to having a father who rarely ever said "I love you" and hugged you, but now does it all the time.

A sister prayed for me and she said she saw me walking in a house that used to be slanted, but now the house was flat/straight, but I was still hesitant to walk because I still felt like it was slanted even though it wasn't anymore.

While listening to the song, I was reminded of a sister who prayed for me. I didn't know her at all; she just felt led to pray for us. When she prayed for me and looked at me, water started coming in her eyes. She looked at me with tear-filled eyes as she spoke. At that moment, I felt God's eyes looking at me and His love towards me, and I knew that He knew. That He knows, and that He feels.

Sometimes you think of the prodigal son's story, and you just think about the big party the father throws, and the ring and cloak, the restoration of sonship. But it's not just the celebration. Father knows the journey it took to come back, and entire experience you had of leaving. Of course, He is the one who leads you back, but He also knows and feels. Sometimes you think of the phrase "forgive and forget", and yes, God forgives you as if it never happened, but that doesn't mean He doesn't also know you intimately.  He looks at me with tear-filled eyes that radiate with love. With these eyes, He says to me: Welcome home Jamie

In Your Hands

I'm going to start blogging again

Really blessed by this song by Melody Hwang
David Hwang, her father, shared this song with me at Singing Waters

https://soundcloud.com/melodyhwangmusic/in-your-hands 

Old people are good at talking

Maybe it's a gift old people have..
They're good at talking about themselves, talking about their memories, talking about others, talking about ducks, the moon, any subject everrr
They're good at talking to strangers... like cashiers, people at the YMCA, Costco..

Not all old people, but old people in general are better at talking than young people, especially to strangers. Probably because they're not selfishly counting their precious time and trying to get from destination A to destination B while multi-tasking (and therefore cannot make eye contact with anyone on the way)

They're also much better at talking about God to others, like naturally, and intentionally, but naturally

It's like my mom. She could be talking about how to get into Harvard, and then 5 minutes later, she's talking about God. I was like.. O_O... did you really just transition from : "America is really fair; it accepts people from all different school systems/backgrounds" to "The bible also does not discriminate" !

Same thing this morning. We left our Muslim roommate in a coffee shop next to Church while we went to Church. This old couple who went to the first service of the Church was in the coffee shop and spotted our roommate and started talking to her.

I noticed that sometimes younger people are more afraid to take hold of opportunities because they're afraid of coming off as one of "those Christians". Like the ones on TV with posters saying you're going to hell. Basically they're afraid of not seeming cool.

Funny thing is that one of my coworkers saw bible verses on my desk and was like: What's this?
I said: bible verses. (I didn't elaborate or take hold of the opportunity!!! I didn't even look at her while she was looking at my bible verses. I didn't ask her what she thought of them. I didn't do or say anything! because I thought that the presence of the verses themselves was enough of a witness, but I could have taken better hold of the opportunity)
She was then like: oh wow. I thought you were cool.
I was like huh?
She's like: I thought you were too cool for bible verses

Now thinking about it. I probably am. My mom always says I super suck at talking about God. I admit that I lose a lot of opportunities.

I will never forget my first house church experience in Shanghai. They introduced me to another ABC girl who was there as a tent-maker teaching English at the school. The girl asked what my name was.
Then, suddenly, she reached out, put her hand on my shoulder and was like: "Are you a believer?" It was such an amazing experience. She just got straight to the point and there was so much love and care in her words. Like she cared about my salvation. It was so amazing

the real MBA application

Today I told my current manager and previous manager that I'm applying for MBA

Finally got that off my chest. 

Now I need to get going on those application essays. 

Application essays, recommendations, resumes, and interviews (if you get to that part)... so many pieces of the application to worry about. I was pretty stressed this past week deciding how many (and which) schools to apply to in round 1. Stalked quite a few people on LinkedIn and sent a few random MBA alumni messages/questions

Just now, I was lying on my bed, de-stressing. I started daydreaming about telling a particular person about Christ and bringing him and his wife to Church. Then I was like: sigh. God, Why am I getting an MBA? (in my head I was illogically thinking, what's the point of an MBA if I still suck at telling people about God?--of course that is unrelated and on its own separate learning track). But the question is still valid anyway. Why do I want an MBA? God, why do you want me to get an MBA?

I always make sure, that even when I make my own plans for life, that I am willing to, at any moment, give up all of my plans and let Jesus divert/change them. 

So I was ready. On my bed. I was like: sure, I can give it all up now. Even though I've told my managers and I've taken the GMAT. I am ready to give it all up. 

(That was just a heart check. I didn't feel any conviction to give it up or anything. )

The real MBA application is with God. If you think the admissions committee (adcom) can tell you're bluffing your essays, God can tell even more if you're bluffing your heart with Him. That's why God's application is always the toughest. --because we sometimes don't even understand our own heart. Or our childhood. Or our upbringing. Or our emotions. But the best part about God's application is you don't need a set career goal or life plan. It's all about you and God. It's like marriage. 

It's kind of like how when my boss asked my colleague a question, and my colleague replied: "let me call and ask the real boss" (aka his fiance). 

Emotional dad video

My Indian friend posted this video on facebook. It starts with a bunch of Indians who have grown up, saying "how are you dad?"

It was slightly "touching" but.. something about it made me resist it. I was like : no, it shouldn't be like this. They're glorifying and confirming a type of father that should just be loved and appreciated, but not glorified and confirmed. They're declaring what fathers should be like and what a father's role is, based on their own father.

I guess my father had some similarities to the father in the video, but not as extreme.

And part of me was like.... Noooooooo , you have no idea what your Heavenly Father is like.

Anyway, I guess the video is still good. Maybe I've just been thinking too much about my Heavenly Father, haha. And also now that I'm grown up-ish, I see my earthly father as a person, a man, and an older friend, rather than just a father, so I was kinda 'eh' about boxing dads into this "father" box. (as if he's not actually any other role). But maybe the video is more relevant to others' fathers

women's retreat

Just came back from Terra Nova's women's retreat.

It was really great, and really interesting. It was really women-oriented--my first women's retreat. There were single women, married women, divorced women, married women with kids, pregnant women, etc. Very diverse in age and "stage of life", though in this day and age, there might not really be a set "stage of life" since there's really no set path or 'normal path'. My single friend just shared this article with me today.

Actually, one of the takeaways from the retreat was not really anything taught or discussed, but just something I absorbed/learned from observation. I was so awed by watching how close some single women were to married women with kids, and how married women with kids treated and saw single women the same way (didn't see them as immature, or too young to be friends with them) . I had a good conversation with a married women who had kids, where I didn't feel like she felt I was too young to talk to her; (in fact the fear was probably on my side, where I feared a subtle rejection from married women with kids---was super happy when she facebook friended me).

I watched as one single sister would keep checking up on married women with kids, to see how they were doing. It was beautiful to see the younger single woman initiate the friendship (too) rather than just the other way around. It was refreshing. And beautiful.

Another related thing I noticed was: Sometimes I could not tell who was single and who was married. Some people who looked single, actually were married with many kids. They just had such an 'independent', 'adventurous' spirit. (I always thought that after you had kids, all you really thought about were your kids and their activities)

At Church, I'm so used to people reaching out to the lonely abandoned single people. As for couples, well, they already at least have each other so they're good. But that's really not always true. Women need other women too. All the brokenness shared at the retreat really opened my eyes to all the pain both married and single women can experience from relationships.

One more take-away: one pastor's wife mentioned the book 'sex and the supremacy of Christ', and how sex is something created by God meant to be an example of intimacy, just as marriage is a 'reflection'/example of the Marriage between Christ (the Bridegroom) and the Church (the Bride). God wants to have a relationship with us, and be that intimate with us. We are His bride.

One woman on the retreat said she had trouble with the idea of being "the Bride of Christ", and she felt God saying to her: "it's okay. You can be my little girl. I am a gentleman and I will wait for you".

The Solution

It's funny to see how people reacted to the Santa Barbara shootings.

Some people claim it's all about the gun control--how he shouldn't have been allowed to so easily buy a gun. Some people ranted about how his parents should have paid more attention to his health condition rather than spoil him, ignore him and get him a BMW. I guess in the end, it's just so many different things. And there's no one solution, although technically there is. but it still takes a lot... to get the solution implemented... (If I'm allowed to talk about Jesus that way).

It's easy to be like: oh yes, the solution is Jesus. Every problem, every pain, every wrong thing. Jesus.

Umm, really? Do we even believe that? What does it mean that the solution is Jesus?

Well, God is love, so the solution is love. God's love. The love that we cannot comprehend. The love that is deeper and wider and more faithful than we can ever fathom. I guess if you elaborate it like that, perhaps God is the solution for everything.

And then there are things like money. We don't think about that as much in the middle class world. We forget those movies where the husband and wife become poor and the wife starts yelling at the romantic husband because she's too anxious about the lack of money. And the marriage falls apart because of money. If you didn't know, the divorce rate is 30% higher for families with household incomes below 50K. (of course there could be other factors correlated, but I personally think money solves a lot of problems and a lot of fights). But theoretically, if you had enough of God's love, it wouldn't matter.

I don't know. I've never been left out to starve. Never even fasted more than 1 day. Never desired God or missed anyone so bad that I simply forget to eat for a long period of time.

Well, what can we say? Even the bible admits to the practical stuff. Don't say "keep warm and well fed" without actually giving people real food (James 2:16). Love has to come with action. And even God himself gives good gifts--and sometimes these gifts are food/financials. He provides!

In any case, God is actually the solution, even though it sounds so cheesy and cliche for those who grew up in the Church.

God is the solution, but sometimes it's hard to have faith that He is.