Consumed by my own life

Man, it's good to be in a small group with people of different age ranges and backgrounds and struggles.
Easy to forget that there's a world out there, as in outside of your own mind.

and man, I could stare into their baby's eyes forever. They are so watery and pure. and beautiful
(small group leader has a baby)

But even though it was a good wake-up call that I've been consumed with my own life, and it was really nice to be able to look at beautiful baby eyes, it wasn't an auto-focus-adjustment either, as I still could not empathize with any of the struggles of anyone else in the group. It was a perspective adjustment of the mind, but not an adjustment of the heart.

I watched a movie about Hollywood LA culture recently, and it makes me sad that it's quite true not just in the LA area. Drug and sex addiction and searching for fame or meaning... Whenever I watch those movies where the people are addicted to drugs and completely hopeless, I get it. It's one of those situations where you go deeper and deeper into lost-dom until you realize you need help.

And I've been thinking about this world. All of us need help, seriously. But the culture has become so individualized that we've forgotten how to be friends and how to initiate and protect and love. How to intrude into people's lives, grab them by the arm and take them out. Like a big brother.

I've been truly blessed with true friendships and initiative friends who have taught me what it means to love by initiating. The world needs more people to intrude into lives. Because honestly, people want you to intrude. People want to be saved. Yea, they'll do their own thing, live an individualized, my-own-private-space read-my-own-books do-my-own-thing type of life, but they really do want the intrusion. The one thing I like about Chinese culture (remember, I consider myself more American than Chinese), is that Chinese culture initiates and is less individualized (more groupy) than American culture.

I read an article recently that said that after age 30 or so, it gets increasingly more difficult to develop deep friendships (even if you are still single by then). So, trust is a big issue when it comes to intruding into other people's lives. I keep thinking that when I have my own house, I'd invite people over for dinner to get to know them better, (as in, not people who are already my friends, but maybe coworkers and such), but then again, it's probably wishful thinking. I'll probably be too busy with family by then, or too lazy, or too "busy" with nothing at all. And so, once again, we leave that initiating work to the missionaries and tent-makers who dedicate their lives to initiation and finding opportunities to love.

It's easy to be consumed

Quotes from the evening

Ate with some vendors/suppliers for dinner
We went around the table introducing ourselves, how long we've worked for our respective companies and our role in the company / brief background. The guys next to me start listing out the companies they used to work for. They basically listed out every other company in the industry.

I'm like (out loud too): Wow, This industry is like a cult
Other guy (15+ yr in the industry): Yea! it is! And it's also like the Mafia. Once you get in, you can't get out.

Looks like I'm in both the mafia and the cult.

Taking a day off tomorrow to clean up my life (or room). And to bake stuff for a Christmas party at 5:30pm. If I had enough vacation days, I would really take random days off more often

So I asked one of the guys who used to work in Santa Clara, CA, why he moved here to work. He just laughed. The guy next to him helped him out: Job. He got a job here.

B Positive

After maybe my most psychologically/emotionally stressful/difficult day at work, I come home to get the mail. Some red cross thing, probably because I donated blood. I open the letter and found that they sent me a new blood donor card for NY state. It reads

Jamie Tsai
B Positive


Even my blood type is telling me to be positive. Definitely cheered me up a bit.

Quotes from Management

"You don't get rewarded for activity. You get rewarded for results"
"Do more with less" (less people, money, time, etc.)
"Everyone's replaceable"

~Quotes from upper management at department meeting.

My reaction to quotes: ....

Anyway, although I myself would have not have publicly said those things to my employees, I'm sure those quotes are basic principles of any business (across probably many industries).

The principles in the workplace are actually the exact opposite of those of God's Kingdom.
The workplace is all about performance. Results. Effort counts a bit, but not really. It's really all about performance. But don't work too much because you're supposed to "do more with less" time/people.  Oh, and you are always replaceable. 

Man, all these false principles just hit me these past two days. Quite a depressing realization actually. Made me think about how awesome God is , as my heavenly Father. I thought about all that throughout small group yesterday. That I'm so so glad I don't have to perform to get daddy's approval. I always know that he always accepts me. That I am valuable and unique and loved, his beloved daughter. Just that confidence and knowledge is so precious and sweet to the soul, like honey. Really. --and lucky for me, this applies to both my earthly parents and my heavenly father (though of course no human is perfect)

Sure, there are still some things that look the same. Like teamwork, being joyful, being humble, peace-making, covering for each other's mistakes, encouraging each other, changing the culture, etc. So, on a day-to-day basis, it is really great. But deep inside the veins of every business is money and performance.

Grateful & Generous

Two words that I would like to have characterize my life.
with respect to God, of course.And because of Him

what does love look like?

What does love look like? is the question I've been pondering.
What does love look like, if all of life comes down to love.
~arms wide open

What does love look like?
 man, love does not look like me.

I'm so glad I caught the message at Light (at cornell). Yes, indeed the gospel message is so beautiful and so real. For a while now, i have been really sucked into other aspects of my life, getting caught up with doing stuff, being good at stuff, looking good, being right, being respected, being cool, accepted, friendly. It's all so, so selfish; it's all about me. Who am I? I am nothing, a vapor, a mist that is here and then gone. I am nothing. I am so, so weak (and I feel that reality more so now that I am beginning to get burnt out). Yet, though I am weak, I am strong. Though I am a vapor, I can move mountains. Though I once was lost and orphaned, I am now God's beloved and chosen.His precious daughter, equipped with all power and authority, with His love that transforms me and His truth that renews my mind each day. I have everything.

So blessed this weekend, visiting Cornell. So much love shown to me. Really needed the message and the people. Thank you for showing me love and sharing your life with me. Pray for me please.

Becoming a jerk

Colleague:

"Why do you think I have the reputation for being a jerk? That's how I get my work done"

Lol... this is a job where people-pleasing will burn you out