Friendship

 In life group, the discussion leader asked us to think about a time when a close friend helped us through difficult times. Immediately tears flooded my eyes and I started tearing. 

It wasn't even a specific incident, but many times. I thought of all the dark times I've been through, and how people and God have always been with me through those things. 

 I had a mutual best friend in 2nd grade through the rest of elementary school. We confessed to each other that we were the other's best friend. And in very Jamie fashion, I didn't confess first. To this day, I remember this conversation. 

Charlene: "Guess who my best friend is?" 

Of course, I'm not dumb. Anyone who is asking me that must be talking about me. But I'm also modest. So of course I'm like "Cindy?" -  just named someone else. "Nope. Guess again". That's how the confession went. Actually I'm not sure if I ever confessed back to her. I only remember that she confessed to me. 

Friendship is really interesting. Deep, deep friendship is always something I've wanted -- ever since puberty. Close friendship has always been one of my top dreams. It is a dream I have attained but still continue to pursue, including my friendship with Jesus. 

Recently, I've been more in sync with God, and it makes me so happy. I don't want to lose it. 

Grateful

 "His kindness draws us to repentance"

I felt this kind of gratefulness today. Something really positive happened. It's technically not a big deal; anyone on the outside would have just been like "that's awesome" and really happy and that's it. But, I was pretty shocked and speechless and grateful, all at the same time. For me, it was especially meaningful; it was redemptive. 

I felt like I didn't deserve it, but also at the same time I felt like I did deserve it.

Or rather, I felt like I deserved it, but I couldn't believe I was actually receiving what I deserve, rather than receiving less than I deserve, because of the reality of the way things work. 

Anyway, it was a complex emotion. 

For someone who pretends not to care about work, I guess I care about work a great deal. 

Recently, I had a realization that sometimes asking people about their work is a way of showing you care about them. People spend 40 or more hours working per week. Regardless of whether or not they love their job, they spend a significant portion of their life doing it. So, it makes sense, as someone who loves and cares about them, to want to know what they spend a significant portion of their life doing. I know that usually people give brief answers when asked what they do, because they assume no one is truly interested in what they do. Or that no one will respect or understand what they do. 

I realized that sometimes when I ask people about their work, and continue to dig deeper and ask more and more follow-up questions, people are pretty eager to talk about their work. 

In the past, I have done this more with guys. And occasionally, as a joke, I call it "ego stroking". I am stroking their ego by talking/asking about their work, and I am stroking my own ego because I am able to understand their work and have a fruitful conversation about work despite not being in their field. However, I recently realized that it is not (just) an ego-stroking activity. It is loving and respecting people and what they spend a significant portion of their lives doing. 

I had another theory recently, somewhat related. That guys play more video games now because work is boring and they need some place to be competitive. Work used to be more tiring and competitive, but now we have machines and corporations. In corporations, everything is streamlined so you get just one tiny piece of the puzzle to work on. Life is boring, so you need more work - aka video games. Anyways. just a random thought I had. We are made to work.

Soft Spot

One time I was explaining how I view two people differently even though they made the same error. For one of them, I just don't blame them or feel negatively towards them. I was really confused about it. Then someone told me: yeah, you have a soft spot for person X. 

Today I was thinking about that concept-- of having a soft spot for someone. They could commit the same offense as someone else but you just have a soft spot for them so they're forgiven more easily. 

If you were an authority figure over people, this "soft spot" for someone under you would be deemed favoritism, which has a more negative connotation compared to "soft spot"

Perhaps with friendships or peers, it's called "chemistry"/"vibes" or "loyalty"/"homies" or just affection / compassion. Some people you just vibe with or understand better, so you get why they would do what they do. "That's just who they are". Or you're more willing to hear them out. Basically, you just love them more. You just have a soft spot for them. The rules don't apply as harshly to them. 

I guess I really appreciate when people have a soft spot for me. I don't deserve the grace that they give me. 

But does God have a soft spot for me? 

Doesn't the bible say God disciplines those He loves? Yet it also says His kindness leads us to repentance. So, is there a season for discipline and a season for grace? Or is it that we always have both? Both makes more sense. I guess sometimes when people forgive you too hard, you almost feel bad, like it's discipline enough to feel bad. 

I think I don't feel bad as often as the average normal-Asian American Christian, but recently, I've felt bad a couple of times. So maybe that is discipline from God. 

Anyways. Soft spot. I like that word. God has a soft spot for me. 

Maxed out

 I heard someone share that they put in a lot of effort, and it was difficult time for them, but they "maxed out" their talents, in their pursuit of music. 

It reminded me that this is a common journey many people go through. When they're young, they wonder what they are "gifted" in. Everyone wants to be above average at what they do, career-wise. Everyone who is privileged enough to think that way at least

But the truth is that some people have many talents, and are above average in many areas, while others are below average at almost everything. Not everyone can be the best

I hit my max in college. I thought in high school, that if I just studied earlier and longer than everyone else, I could always get an A. But in college, I didn't have enough time and I just couldn't understand some of the theories. My brain capacity for the abstract stuff was just limited. I knew I hit my max. 

But after I got out of college, I realized that in the real world, I'm still above average. 

Everything is pretty relative. 

But being the best at something is less desirable to me, now that I'm 31.
It's about impact and influencing people. The goals have changed. Why? Maybe it's because people provide meaning, and I love people. My hobbies and things I like keep changing, but the fact that I like people never changes. Me loving God also doesn't change, for the most part... if I'm even allowed /qualified to say that. 

Loving and helping people and building relationships is the most rewarding thing. The second most rewarding thing is getting things done. So I focus not on "being the best" at something, but what feels the most rewarding. 

However, they are still interconnected. How can it feel rewarding if you're pretty terrible at something? 
but the cool thing about relationships is each person has a limited capacity, so even if someone else is "better" at relationships, they can't be friends with everyone at a meaningful depth. That means that I have the unique opportunity to influence those closest to me. Walmart can always expand and be everywhere, but people cannot clone and franchise themselves to be everywhere. A friend can only be a friend selectively. And not everyone can be 'family' to you. 

In summary, people and meaningful relationships make life worth living. At least this is my conclusion. And it is in no way mutually exclusive to pursuing being "the best" at something. I still, of course, like being excellent, relatively speaking. Otherwise I wouldn't make candles and ice cream, and I wouldn't blog. And there is a reason I don't ever post my singing on youtube lol. We all know the things we are above average at, and the things we are below average at.

Remembering

Today I was thinking: how can I explain my faith to someone? Do I even remember how I felt and all the things I went through?

On one hand, I have a terrible memory. On the other hand, I actually have a great memory for select things. 

How can I trust my memory to remember all that God has done for me?

I often replay sweet scenes in my head of times with God, of things friends have said to me, of affection, because I'm intentionally growing my affection. so I won't forget. I shouldn't say it's always intentional. Maybe it's just natural; it's my nature. 

Recently during worship, I'd remember all the times God was there for me. But as soon as worship is over, the mental visual of those scenes disappear and I forget. I tried writing / drawing the scenes afterwards but I just can't grasp the same essence and vividness that I can experience during worship. 

I want to go back to those places in my mind to actively remember. Yet at the same time, God is here and alive today too. And I want a fresh touch so real that the past experiences pale in comparison, that sharing my past testimonies almost seem irrelevant to my current testimonies. 

I've been thinking about my past testimonies -- things God did for me 6, 7, 9, 11 years ago. But honestly the memories are fading. I know what God did, but the stories are just words. I can't feel it. I don't get emotional when I tell the stories.

After the first several years of experiencing freedom from bondage, I wondered if I should continue to remember how terrible the bondage was, so that I could be grateful for what God has done for me. 

When the Israelites have reached the promised land, they should remember how painful the years of being in the desert were. Right? I think so. 

But at the same time, if you adopted an ex-slave, would you want your adopted child to keep those slave days so vivid in their memory, or would you want your child to just be happy and live freely and "forget" those days? 

How do we remember just enough to be grateful and to tell our stories? 
How can remembering help me grow my affection for God? 

If I could draw, I would draw the scenes that I see. The scenes from throughout my life when God was there for me. 

Beauty and Love

I'm not a super visual person so when I say "beauty", I'm not talking physical beauty. Physical beauty rarely evokes an emotional response in me. I do like physical beauty. Pretty flowers, nice haircuts, nice-looking people. Of course they're still nice to look at, but I don't feel overcome with this feeling of love and compassion and/or longing. 

My dad really loves the James Blunt song "Beautiful" because he claims every guy has experienced this, where they see the most beautiful person they've ever seen before, on some train or subway, and they know they'll never be with them. It sounds like these moments evoke an emotional response in these guys. Beauty becomes love at first sight. 

For me, I see beauty in people -- their personalities, their passions, the way they are, their weaknesses even. 

This past Sunday, the worship lead sang this song, and she went all out, poured her heart into the song. I just looked at her and cried because it was so beautiful. In that moment, I felt warmth and love and compassion fill my heart. And I thought to myself: I miss this. I miss seeing beauty all the time.

In college, I remember I would think everyone is so cute. People are so cute. I just loved the way they were. One time, my apartment-mate was explaining some kitchen/food stuff to me, and I just looked at her and thought it was so beautiful. The way she explained everything. So direct and concise and certain. 

I love crying, because I love having a soft heart. I hate when my heart has grown numb and existentially bored with life, all of which is a precursor to depression, the greatest pain of them all. Recently, slash my whole life, I have experienced bouts of this type of "boredom", which someone helped me relabel as "existential boredom" to be more specific. Maybe this is a gift that I've been born with--the fact that I can't be satisfied very easily. I need more. Give me Jesus. 

The Risk of Not Having Hobbies and Interests

 I realized recently that it actually feels pretty "insecure" to not have hobbies (that define you, that you can hold onto).

I'm most interested in people and doing things for people and making people happy and being around people I love. 

The problem with that is that you rely on others. And that makes me feel vulnerable. I just exist to make others happy?? What if others don't need you, don't want you? What about my own identity?

It makes it hard to answer things like: "What is your dream career? What are you interested in?"

Or when people tell you to "stop living for others" and to "do what you want to do". But what do I really want to do? What do I want? What do I even like? Who am I?

--

I'm kind of in a slump these days, at work and personal/spiritual life. I don't feel passionate about anything. I sort of feel like maybe I should change careers, but I don't know what I should change to. I'm unmotivated at work, and I can't figure out why. Is it because everything is remote, and I'm motivated by people interaction? (And by "people interaction" I really mean coworkers roasting each other and telling funny stories of their moms or whatever)

As much as I hated globalfoundries, I remember it was fun, and I was motivated (at least the first two years). Everyone was a fresh grad from college or grad school. We would roast each other at work, gossip about stuff, eat lunch together, get angry at "stupid" people at work. Fun times. But how much of that fun is about the people and not the work? I don't know.