Prayer is holding God's hand

Prayer is holding God's hand.

That's what I wanted to say when my cell group leader asked us: "What is prayer?"
But I restrained myself from saying something that sounded ridiculously theologically unsound.

But my entire heart said it. I just looked at her and said it in my heart. For more than a week, this has been stuck with me. Prayer is holding God's hand.

What does it mean to hold someone's hand? What does it feel like? What does it imply?
It is hard to explain, but the feeling and imagery of holding God's hand is knowing that you are connected to God. No matter how difficult things may get, at least you are holding His hand. You trust Him; He is with you.

Even in the good times, He is there, and you are holding His hand, connected. You know Him. He is right beside you.

So yea. God spoke to me through my own bizarre thought/inner- voice.
Prayer is holding God's hand.

Even David in Psalm 16:8 says "I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken".
Some people say this verse implies that David uses imagery in his relationship with God because he "sets" aka imagines God at his right hand. Of course, all the grounded Christians are bothered by the word "imagine" because that word is often used in a way that implies falsehood or fantasy / made-up stuff. But think of the word "imagine" like meditating. Meditating on God's word day and night, but in a more picture-esque way. I picture myself holding God's hand, but it's not an image; it's more like an impression or feeling or knowing. In my heart, I know I am holding God's hand.

Prayer is holding God's hand

Because He lives

This hymn is what I need at this moment

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living, just because He lives. 

Indeed, at this moment, I am holding onto life because I believe in Jesus. I believe in Jesus for myself and for others. There aren't many of these extremely tough moments in life where I truly feel like giving up, if it wasn't for my faith and my belief in Jesus.

It takes strength to hold on, to hold onto Jesus, to hold onto forgiveness, to continue to let go and love, pray for change, believe in change and not judge, not fear, not hold onto hurt. Sometimes I fear that I would lack strength to forgive, or strength to fight for an abundant life with Jesus, but God gives me strength.

I wish things would be easier, but I refuse to be jealous of people who appear to have an easier life. Each person has their life, and I will focus on the goodness and compassion of God, who is sovereign and knows all things before they happen.

Because I have Jesus, I have everything. And no one can take that away from me. Not differences in theology, not other strong believers. I cannot be condemned because Jesus has saved me.

Thinking about Job -- the book of Job. Man, that was tough. Every friend using spiritual reasons to condemn Job, and Job losing his family and his own health. I want to be like Job and hold onto God no matter what. In sickness and in health, in great times and catastrophic times, even if the whole world is against me, even if I myself have sinned or made a mistake. I want to always turn to Jesus and hold onto God for the rest of my life, all my days. God, help me to do so.

Thinking in the future

Yesterday, I was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness, and the feeling lingered on still this morning; I couldn't shake it off. Usually listening to worship music helps, but sometimes the feeling is so strong that music just at best, contains it. (I really enjoyed listening to Here Again by Elevation Worship).

I recognized that the feelings were genuine and natural, and that it is important to be honest with how I feel, but also remember that I believe in Jesus, and my hope comes from Him.

I most often try to use emotional methods to solve my emotional issues. (i.e. talk with a friend, use music, etc.) However, I realized that I can use my mind to lead my emotions. I know I have Jesus. Nothing can separate me from the love of Jesus. I will declare this truth as long as I live. By speaking the truth to myself and to my emotions, I am fighting for my emotions. My mind and willpower fight for my feelings to come into alignment with the word of God. Sometimes worship music does help in this regard because you can belch out the song as a declaration of God's truth.

As I was driving home, I thought to myself: What do I want to be like when I am 50 years old? I used to think 20s were the "prime age"--the most exciting age. But now, I think 50s-60s is prime. Most of the people I really respect are at least 50. I want to love God when I am old, not just when I am young. I thought about how beautiful it will be to be 80 and still love God so much (and hopefully more), and be able to look back on my life and see how God brought me so far in life, and how beautiful a journey it has been, despite all the hard times and all the hurt. Out of great suffering and pain, can come great beauty, because God doesn't waste our suffering. God doesn't waste our pain. 

In light of that, I would like to recommend a movie that has made it to my favorites list.
"I can only Imagine" - I watched this on my United flight to the east coast. I cried so much. I couldn't stop crying. It was so, so beautiful.

Not only does God not waste our pain, God is our hope. Even though I'm technically a "present-minded" person according to personality tests, it really does help to think really far out into the future--it reduces my present concerns and worries, because I start to realize that life is long. Yet, at the same time, I also realize that life is short, and that soon I will be with God.

New level of security

Recently, I realized that I have gotten to a new level of security in Christ, compared to several months ago, or even the last couple of weeks.

The things that once made me feel insecure no longer strongly affect me. They might affect me mildly for a few hours, but I just smile and know in my heart and my mind that I have God. I know who I am. The truth has truly set me free.

There were several events/tests just this week. Situations or thoughts involving different people who  are close to me, but none of the situations/thoughts made me feel insecure.

In the past, my family and close friends would easily affect me. I think they still can, but my security has increased to a new level. I'm not afraid of losing people close to me or getting rejected. I'm also not going to believe any lies that my family might be believing, and I'm not affected by their ungodly fears. I know who I am. I know what and whom I have.

It wasn't like I was completely invincible. There would be familiar floating thoughts that come by, but this time, those thoughts seemed so foreign to me. I could recognize them as blatant lies from the enemy. It was almost like: wow, I've been through this already. I've already conquered this battle.

God is so good :) I got a breakthrough without really even hardcore pursuing it.

GPS

Yesterday while driving, my phone decided to do a software update. Thus, I couldn't use my GPS while it was updating. I was driving back from my eye doctor appointment back to work so this was not my normal route, and I'm a person who always uses GPS. I have a weak sense of direction, and a weaker confidence in my sense of direction. (Though my sense of direction seems magically improved when I'm alone, and worsened when with others)

But I just kept driving and reading signs. I saw Sunnyvale and a LinkedIn building, and saw on my car that I was going North, so I knew I probably should keep driving. Eventually I saw 1st street and zanker signs and got off there, and made my way to work.

It was pretty amazing, even though I know it sounds lame.

I felt like God was saying that is what life is like sometimes. When you're trying to receive directions from God and you're not hearing anything, maybe you need to look around at signs that point you to your destination. Keep driving (I had thoughts of pulling over and waiting for my phone to finish), and you'll see the signs eventually.

Other's words as a mirror

Either words have started to mean more to me in the past 6 months, or I've gotten a lot of highly encouraging words.

Today, my life coach told me at the end of our session: "you have a heart that seems soft towards the things of God". 

That was so reassuring, and warmed my heart. It was like, if she sees that (after hearing all my honest internal thoughts and how I process things), then how much more does God see that?

Sometimes I'm so set on pleasing God and pursuing God and doing the right thing, that I forget that He's with me in the process and journey, and He's pleased with me. 

It's never just the words that matter. It's how you say the words. The most encouraging words are sometimes very simple, but it's who says it, in what context and how much of their heart is in it when they say it/how much they believe it. 

It is these encouragements that we meditate on. In the same way, we are able to meditate on God's words to us. We will be transformed by the renewing of our mind. 

Enneagram 9

I read about the Enneagram way back in middle school and/or high school. At that time, I thought it was an okay personality test, and that the myers briggs was way more helpful in understanding others.

But today, I just read the ennegram description of myself, and it was super insightful--both the description of myself and my romantic compatibility with various types.

Things that really resonated with me:

1.  9s tend to idealize their romantic partner and sometimes the other person cannot live up to the image that the 9 has of them in their imagination. 9s that are paired with other 9s can be problematic because most of the relationship may occur in their imagination of the other rather than being in real contact with the other person
2. 9s tend to focus on other people, wondering what they are like, etc. They tend to melt into other people and have difficulty knowing or admitting their own needs
3. Growth recommendations: 9s should try to exert themselves and pay attention to what is going on and not tune out or daydream. They should exercise more to be more aware of their own body

A lot of passiveness and imagination. 

I really resonate with the imagination part. I feel that a lot of the deep affection I have for my friends stems out of frequent idealization and imagination of our friendship. That's not necessarily bad. It helps me to be loyal, despite infrequency of contact. It helps me to have strong affections for people. But I can see how it can become problematic in a romantic relationship when you have to deal with real issues and not just idealize the other person. 

I also really resonate with a tendency to 'melt into other people' and not know how you feel because you're so focused on how others feel. The best example I can think of is when I was coordinating housing in college. In my heart, I really wanted to live with certain people, but my mind really did not know what my heart wanted. I literally thought I was cool with whatever and was willing to sacrifice myself for the group. Often, it is only when I am alone at night, when I realize how I truly feel and what I truly want. When I'm with people, it's hard to feel and know what I truly want. It's a very strange phenomenon that actually happens quite often, though this example is pretty old. 

Tuning out. I think this happens more with unfamiliar settings due to being an introvert. I know I tend to tune out when there's too many people I don't know, but I try not to. I really don't like it when I tune out. I feel un-human when that happens, like am I really alive? Am I really on this earth?