This past Saturday, I watched Michigan's WNIT (basketball) finals. We won after going overtime 3 times. During the last quarter, we were down 64-67 with only less than 20 seconds. Coach called time out. I knew they were planning how to set up Katelynn for a 3-pointer, or at least draw a 3-pointer foul. At that moment, we needed a 3-pointer, which typically has a 35% making-it rate. But Katelynn did it. When we needed the 3-pointer the most, she pulled through. It was amazing. But with 5 seconds left, the other team got fouled by us, so they had 2 foul shots. Those are like 70%-in rate, and they get 2, so basically there's no way they'd miss both (less than 10% chance). But they did. and we went overtime.
It was the most exciting game ever. Even the players themselves said they never went overtime 3 times. The greatest MBA fan next to me cried after we passed through to the first overtime. I myself could not bear to watch the free throw shots, because I knew there was no way they'd miss those. I looked away. I couldn't believe it, that they actually missed both.
Even today, we were still all sharing news articles and stats about the game with each other. We read up on how the star players got better over time. Hallie, who is 6'5" used to not be so confident, and always passed the ball back to the guards. One time, a senior guard got pissed off, and was like: "Hallie, if you ever pass it back out to me when you're one-on-one, I'll kill you". After that, Hallie got the message. The article also talked about how Hallie used to be so hard on herself after games. The coach and assistant coaches were also part-time psychologists, texting her, encouraging her and calling her after games to make sure she was okay.
My MBA friend and I were discussing this article, and my friend said: "I just remembered she is under 20....", and I said: "yea, everyone is under 20 deep inside though"
It was so beautiful to read about their lives, and how much they've grown, how hard they've worked and how much they value their team.
As I was thinking about how beautiful their stories were, I thought of my own life. Though my life is not public, it is also beautiful and encouraging. because of what Jesus did. Just this sudden thought was encouraging. Sometimes I wish I could share more of my life with more people.
Monday, April 3, 2017
Monday, February 20, 2017
Sports
I watched a Michigan women's basketball game on Sunday. We had fairly good seats, so I could actually see all the player's faces. It was really beautiful to watch, especially since I had played on the tennis team in high school and some intramural basketball in college. It reminded me of the team spirit that was so enjoyable. And I want that. I looked at how players on the opposite team defended their person--pushing them back; I looked at how players within each team high-fived each other or patted each other in encouragement. The support, the team spirit was great.
It did make me miss competitive sports, where you matter to the team, and the team matters to you. Playing (competitively) on a sports team is a very unique experience that combines many different emotions and other aspects into one experience. It's not really like friendship or any other relationship. It's not like work or school or any other achievement. The mental and emotional aspects of the game are equally as important as the technical aspects. The physical and verbal emotional encouragement is intense and generous throughout the game. Things happen fast. Camaraderie is huge. It's pretty much addictive.
Camaraderie, acceptance, approval, love, respect, trust, encouragement, etc, all wrapped up in one experience.
I definitely saw that on Sunday and missed it.
But there are times when I feel the Church is all of that too. A team that has one goal, one core focus, and supports one another in love. It's just not as intense (and often not taken as seriously).
It did make me miss competitive sports, where you matter to the team, and the team matters to you. Playing (competitively) on a sports team is a very unique experience that combines many different emotions and other aspects into one experience. It's not really like friendship or any other relationship. It's not like work or school or any other achievement. The mental and emotional aspects of the game are equally as important as the technical aspects. The physical and verbal emotional encouragement is intense and generous throughout the game. Things happen fast. Camaraderie is huge. It's pretty much addictive.
Camaraderie, acceptance, approval, love, respect, trust, encouragement, etc, all wrapped up in one experience.
I definitely saw that on Sunday and missed it.
But there are times when I feel the Church is all of that too. A team that has one goal, one core focus, and supports one another in love. It's just not as intense (and often not taken as seriously).
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Spiritual Breakthrough
I've been praying for spiritual breakthrough for a couple weeks, and this past Wednesday night was the turning point where God answered my prayers. In worship, in life group, I felt a strong sense of God's presence and a strong hunger and desire and love for God. Also, as I looked at the people in my life group, I realized that I loved these people--with a love that stems from knowing this is my family. This was definitely an answered prayer, as I prayed that God would soften my heart and allow me to love, to be loved, and to receive/understand His love more deeply. I came into Michigan with a fairly protected/guarded heart, which I thought would protect me; but a hard heart also blocks out love from God and God's people.
Love in the body of Christ definitely is connected to being able to receive/feel/understand God's love. For this purpose, particular Churches I know, have you greet others around you as the service begins. Several weeks ago, in worship, I saw a friend I hadn't seen in a long time and hugged the friend. Suddenly, it felt like during worship, I could understand and sense God's love for me, more strongly than before. It was at this moment I realized I had a hardened heart that even blocked me from receiving from God--and God used my old friend to soften my heart, and that there was more of God that I could know and experience. This made me hunger for a spiritual breakthrough, because God's presence is so, so sweet and amazing.
And God answered my prayers. It is true that if you seek Him with all your heart, you will find Him. (Jeremiah 29:13). Life does a full circle on you. This particular verse was given to me when I was 12 years old, as I cried on the floor during a retreat. And it continues to have special meaning to me.
Love in the body of Christ definitely is connected to being able to receive/feel/understand God's love. For this purpose, particular Churches I know, have you greet others around you as the service begins. Several weeks ago, in worship, I saw a friend I hadn't seen in a long time and hugged the friend. Suddenly, it felt like during worship, I could understand and sense God's love for me, more strongly than before. It was at this moment I realized I had a hardened heart that even blocked me from receiving from God--and God used my old friend to soften my heart, and that there was more of God that I could know and experience. This made me hunger for a spiritual breakthrough, because God's presence is so, so sweet and amazing.
And God answered my prayers. It is true that if you seek Him with all your heart, you will find Him. (Jeremiah 29:13). Life does a full circle on you. This particular verse was given to me when I was 12 years old, as I cried on the floor during a retreat. And it continues to have special meaning to me.
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Truth and Freedom
Over Thanksgiving, my pastor asked the youth: "Would you rather have truth or freedom? "
People hesitated at the question. One person asked: what do you mean by truth?
He gave an example, but the example wasn't that good, and if you start giving situations and examples, the question gets messed up.
and yea, the Sunday school answer is truth, because Jesus is the truth, the way, the life. But intuitively, for me, the answer was also truth. And I wondered why that was the intuitive answer for me. Perhaps it's because I realize that my memory sometimes fails me; my mom remembers a lot more of my own memories from college and high school than I myself remember. Perhaps it's because I see that so many of my friends have fallen away from the faith and have chosen different theologies and lifestyles. Perhaps it's because I've seen too many movies and dramas about people who didn't know who committed the crime that significantly impacted their lives. Perhaps it's because my generation and my Asian-American self struggles so much with the question of identity and who we really are. In the midst of all uncertainty, doubts and wavering thoughts, truth becomes critical.
And the truth will set you free (John 8:32). Therefore, truth comes before freedom.
People hesitated at the question. One person asked: what do you mean by truth?
He gave an example, but the example wasn't that good, and if you start giving situations and examples, the question gets messed up.
and yea, the Sunday school answer is truth, because Jesus is the truth, the way, the life. But intuitively, for me, the answer was also truth. And I wondered why that was the intuitive answer for me. Perhaps it's because I realize that my memory sometimes fails me; my mom remembers a lot more of my own memories from college and high school than I myself remember. Perhaps it's because I see that so many of my friends have fallen away from the faith and have chosen different theologies and lifestyles. Perhaps it's because I've seen too many movies and dramas about people who didn't know who committed the crime that significantly impacted their lives. Perhaps it's because my generation and my Asian-American self struggles so much with the question of identity and who we really are. In the midst of all uncertainty, doubts and wavering thoughts, truth becomes critical.
And the truth will set you free (John 8:32). Therefore, truth comes before freedom.
Friday, October 28, 2016
Starting your own fire
Fire/passion for God.
It's one thing to live under someone else's fire, and another thing to go where there is no fire, start your own and keep it going.
I've always believed that in order for me to be "on-fire" for God, I need to be surrounded by others who are passionate about God. I'm not talking about the emotional talkative evangelists, but just people who really love God. And you can tell. Love overflows from them; they love the things God loves; they put the Kingdom of God first.
It was hard to admit to myself, but ever since college, I've been secretly searching for the same Christian community. Like, deep down inside, I was like: I just need to live in the right location and meet those awesome Godly people whom I can be around all the time so they can rub off on me, and so that we can be spiritual buddies. But I guess that's not how it always works, slash not extremely realistic. It's time to start my own fire.
I also realized that I often tell myself lies. Like: "oh once I go to my next new location, I'll spend more time with God and get a routine going". Or: "I'll be neat later on in life; I can do it if I try". Or, "I'll get involved in the community more once I get out of MBA; this is just a temporary location". But I was reminded yesterday that a lot of future pastors tell themselves something similar, that "once I get into ministry, I"ll get serious about spending time with God", but the truth is if we're not doing it now, we're not going to do it later. I should steward well the time and stuff that I have now.
Sigh. So many convictions about stuff I should do and how I should live my life, but it's so, so hard. It is so much easier to watch a K-drama, spend all day chatting with friends, and fill my time with fun things so I don't have to be quiet and spend quiet quality time with God. It's almost like I'm afraid to spend time with God, because I'm not sure if He really really satisfies my desires, my loneliness. And it's really hard to let go of the idea that a guy will solve my problems. I know in my head that romance won't solve anything, but I'm not sure if my heart knows that or is ready to accept that. It's stupid. Like, clearly God is better, but it's just so much easier to focus on entertainment in life and youtube/chatting/vacation-planning/thinking or whatever other distractions we use. I think about God a lot, but I don't spend a lot of time with Him. It's different. I think about Him, but I don't talk to Him. that much. I should start again. It's hard. It's really hard. I don't know why.
It's one thing to live under someone else's fire, and another thing to go where there is no fire, start your own and keep it going.
I've always believed that in order for me to be "on-fire" for God, I need to be surrounded by others who are passionate about God. I'm not talking about the emotional talkative evangelists, but just people who really love God. And you can tell. Love overflows from them; they love the things God loves; they put the Kingdom of God first.
It was hard to admit to myself, but ever since college, I've been secretly searching for the same Christian community. Like, deep down inside, I was like: I just need to live in the right location and meet those awesome Godly people whom I can be around all the time so they can rub off on me, and so that we can be spiritual buddies. But I guess that's not how it always works, slash not extremely realistic. It's time to start my own fire.
I also realized that I often tell myself lies. Like: "oh once I go to my next new location, I'll spend more time with God and get a routine going". Or: "I'll be neat later on in life; I can do it if I try". Or, "I'll get involved in the community more once I get out of MBA; this is just a temporary location". But I was reminded yesterday that a lot of future pastors tell themselves something similar, that "once I get into ministry, I"ll get serious about spending time with God", but the truth is if we're not doing it now, we're not going to do it later. I should steward well the time and stuff that I have now.
Sigh. So many convictions about stuff I should do and how I should live my life, but it's so, so hard. It is so much easier to watch a K-drama, spend all day chatting with friends, and fill my time with fun things so I don't have to be quiet and spend quiet quality time with God. It's almost like I'm afraid to spend time with God, because I'm not sure if He really really satisfies my desires, my loneliness. And it's really hard to let go of the idea that a guy will solve my problems. I know in my head that romance won't solve anything, but I'm not sure if my heart knows that or is ready to accept that. It's stupid. Like, clearly God is better, but it's just so much easier to focus on entertainment in life and youtube/chatting/vacation-planning/thinking or whatever other distractions we use. I think about God a lot, but I don't spend a lot of time with Him. It's different. I think about Him, but I don't talk to Him. that much. I should start again. It's hard. It's really hard. I don't know why.
Saturday, September 24, 2016
Back at School
I've been back at school for 3 weeks. Things are a lot faster-paced at school than at my Indiana internship. I get like 40+ emails a day instead of 5. Every hour feels like 5 more emails. And so much stuff to do even though I'm only in 3 classes. I do spend a lot of time doing "nothing", as in not getting stuff on my to-do list checked off, but just thinking about stuff or getting distracted.
It's hard to do work continuously, unless it's due in 3 hours and your group is relying on you to finish your part. I've never really been motivated by doing work "for myself". But that's what everyone tells you to do, to do stuff because you want to do it, not because others want you to do it. Learning is for you, not others. And that's called curiosity. Everyone is curious about different things. For example, I am not at all curious about history or art. But everything that might affect my reputation or relationships, I am curious about. So, I learn to not appear dumb. And I learn things that are relevant to people I know, such as culture. So I might google the basics of world war II, just to not appear too dumb, but I'm not actually that interested. However, if my best friend is a history major and loves a certain part of history, I would study it in depth just to discuss it with her.
When you're not motivated in life, your curiosity about everything drops pretty low, and you're just looking for answers. Answers on what you should do with your life to feel more meaningful and valuable and purposeful. This is the nature of the quarter life crisis. And the answer seems to be, to find a special person, after which everything in life suddenly seems meaningful. Even the simple routine things, like cooking and eating and walking. Everything suddenly is more enjoyable. It's magical.
I'm not sure I believe that anymore. I think for some people, it does happen that way. It might be a short-lived honeymoon phase for some, or a fairly long phase for others. It's not the answer to purpose though. As Christians, obviously we would never confess that we actually used to believe that romance was the answer to purpose, but if you dig deep, I'm sure a lot of us believe(d) the same stuff everyone else believes. which is that romance is the answer. to life.
The other lie is that career is the answer. If you just find the niche career where you can excel, then you're good. Yea. I'm sure that's what all the farmers thought 1000 years ago. A niche career being a means to purpose is an idea sponsored by middle-class-infested public schools that tell kids to reach for their dreams. And by dreams, they mean career-dreams. Why can't you be single, with a boring career, and have a fulfilling, meaningful, valuable, purposeful life in Christ? For most of the world, career is a means to live. It's just money. I've lived among the 1% for so long, that all I think about is career and relationships.
Anyway, with all that said, I do think career and relationships are important and valuable life choices. :) Just not the answer to life.
Saturday, July 16, 2016
No reason to be anxious
I've been somewhat stressed out by work lately. and more like emotionally/psychologically stressed out.
And then things suddenly clicked just now, and I said to God: you know what? I've done my best. I'm accountable to you. If I don't get the offer, then I don't get the offer.
Felt a sigh of relief. Like it really actually doesn't matter. I just have one boss in life, and I know exactly what He expects of me. And I know He's proud of me.
And then things suddenly clicked just now, and I said to God: you know what? I've done my best. I'm accountable to you. If I don't get the offer, then I don't get the offer.
Felt a sigh of relief. Like it really actually doesn't matter. I just have one boss in life, and I know exactly what He expects of me. And I know He's proud of me.
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