Career

 I never considered myself career-oriented or ambitious. I just want to make money and live in a place with a lot of Asian Americans (and have a close-knit community that truly knows me and loves me). 

But actually I realized that career-related achievements impact me pretty emotionally. Some of my strongest feelings of elated-ness are when I have achieved something academically, or career-wise, although I do tend to attribute a fair amount of my success to "luck" (or God's favor/leading) because even though I may have done well, there were a lot of things that led me to do well that are not in my control (i.e. maybe I was given a great opportunity)

As I reflected on that the past few days, I realized that career actually is pretty important to me. 

One, because I feel so elated when I 'achieve' something career-wise, (i.e. when people value/respect me at work or when other companies want me, etc. ). "Achieve" is in quotations because I actually don't focus on the achievement and the impact to humanity/my company/the industry as much as I focus on myself and how much others value and respect me. Paying me more and giving me a good raise is a practical and real way of showing me you (as a company / my manager) value me. So it's really about me... lol. I want to be respected.

Two, career is important to me because I'm a woman and I like earning money. Again, it's about feeling important. No one has directly said sexist comments to my face about women who excel in their careers but I can feel societal and cultural unspoken expectations. It really makes me mad (angry to tears) when I think about how people often celebrate when men/husbands get promotions and excel in their careers, but when women/wives/mothers excel, they are wary of whether she is taking proper care of her family or neglecting the family. (<--This may be more of an imagined situation because I've never actually seen that happen.) But at the same time, I don't want to be the type of mother who is not present for her kids, just as I wouldn't want a father who is not present, who pursues career over family. So, for this reason, I am pretty careful not to be overly ambitious in my career, because I value family and people over career. 

But deep inside, I do care about career, because I want to be valued and respected in what I do. 

I think everyone wants to be valued and respected, and they can get that from many areas of their life, not just from career. It's just that career is often more controllable/easier (or standardized  / systematic, in that there is a specified path to getting promoted / achieving), whereas in your family life, at Church, among your community, etc. you can't control how people feel about you, you can't make your kids like you, and there is not a straight shot formula to making yourself a great person / friend / mom / wife; there are so many facets. 

Of course I know it's not good to put your identity in career or anything other than God. But it's very easy to put our identity in different areas of our lives. If one area of our life isn't going well, we start putting our energy into other areas of our lives, so we can feel valued/good from the other areas instead. 

But at the end of the day, I do remember that nothing is possible without God. And I also miss God, as in I long for Him. Here I am, on vacation in Taiwan. I got a job offer a couple days ago. But I miss God and I long to be in His presence, as in the thick glorious presence of God. I just long for depth. And there is a depth only God can satisfy. A deep intimate longing in my heart. Sometimes, some people can go deep with me, and it's nice to have deep friendships, but only God can truly satisfy my entire need for depth. But it is nice to have deep friendships with others who also have this longing in their heart.