Impatience

I have a lot on my heart that I would like to blog about. I almost feel like I should lay them all out and decide which one is more worthy of a post. I feel like that girl in office hours who stopped this guy from asking the TA questions. So the guy had called the TA over and was about to ask a question when the girl was like: "STOP. Don't waste questions!" Apparently she thought he was going to ask a stupid question. It was so funny. The TA laughed for several minutes. But it's true; we all think that--don't waste questions. Office hours are precious; you have to fight for the TA. Don't waste questions. If we're friends, and I already asked that question, don't ask the TA that question; I'll explain to you the answer to that question later. Ask another question.

In the same way, I don't want to waste words or say things that are meaningless. But of course in my opinion, all this is important. Anyway.

Impatience.

When I think of impatience, I think of someone who is waiting impatiently in line, or waiting impatiently in traffic, or waiting impatiently for his wife who is taking a long time to get ready. But today, I realized that impatience is more than just these images that I have in my mind.

I always imagined myself to be a patient person, because I think of myself as really chill in regard to daily life things. But, I am an impatient person. I realized today (yes, kind of late in life to realize this.)

The speaker today at the retreat was talking about how to differentiate the voice of the Holy Spirit from your own voice. He said that one of the key things about your own voice is that it is impatient and self-focused. The Spirit's voice is softer, and more persistent--so if you wait a while, He'll still be saying the same thing. Whether you're energized or tired, the Holy Spirit will not change what He is saying, even a week later. So, this is one way to discern whether things are coming from Him or yourself.

This really resonated with me. because I've been really impatient recently. During worship, it's hard for my mind to focus on God. I think about other things as a result of my impatience--because I want to figure things out NOW instead of thinking about them later. I want to do my planning now; I want to think about certain things now, even though there's no use in thinking about them. And I ask God what I should do, or which direction to take, but I ask out of impatience. I'm not asking like the disciple John asked Jesus who it is who would betray Him. I feel like John asked because he loved Jesus and knew that Jesus loved him and was secure in this, and so he felt like he could ask.

It's like asking a friend "who is it?" You probably ask out of love, and out of a confidence in your friendship, not out of impatience or for the sake of knowing. Whether or not you know will not affect the friendship.

In the same way, whether or not I know my future or which direction God wants me to take, or where God wants me to go, should not affect my friendship with God. I realized that I've been asking out of impatience to know. not out of friendship. I want to know for myself. I'm not asking God the way John the disciple asked God.

John 13:25

..leaning back on Jesus' breast, [John] said to Him, "Lord, who is it?" (NKJV)

Leaning back against Jesus, [John] asked Him "Lord, who is it?" (NIV)

I want to do that. Lean back against Jesus and ask Him things.

not really to ask Him things, but to lean back against Him.