Saving People

I admit that I have daydreamed about saving people's lives before. Like a bicycler is zooming downhill and I violently pull a friend out of the way as the bike passes by, just barely clipping the outer jacket of the friend. The friend is totally oblivious the whole time; only when I yanked the friend out of the way was the friend awakened to what just happened.

When I first re-realized that I daydream (only very occasionally) about saving people, I was like NOOOO. Why do I do that? What is wrong with me? Is this an indicator of self-seeking motivations? Am I trying to prove my love to people, or gain affection from them?

It was a scary thought since I really desire to please God. And so I explored this further, like thinking about how I feel when I save people, and why I'm so eager to save people that I would daydream about it.

Then I asked myself: am I this eager to save people from deception, from falling into sin? Am I this eager to save myself from common pitfalls and from going near paths that lead to destruction? When I realize that something is wrong spiritually, am I proactive in praying, in crying out to God, or do I just nonchalantly shrug my shoulders and decide to think about it later when I have time? Do I have the same kind of passion to save myself or others from spiritual danger, as I am for physical danger? (because if I'm not, then maybe it's all about show. Maybe I just want to be able to outwardly show myself and get the reward for it, while privately, I may not be praying or caring). ---Am I prepared, spiritually speaking? Do I look out for danger in the spiritual sense? Am I passionate about "spiritual safety"?: AKA am I proactive about guarding my heart for God? Am I passionate about purity?

As the Deer

You're my friend and You are my brother

Even though You are a King

I love you more than any other

so much more than anything

I want You more than gold or silver

only You can satisfy

You alone are the real joy-giver

and the apple of my eye.

never knew about the 2nd and 3rd verses of this song until last friday. Good stuff.

when life gets complicated, these simple songs of love are best at softening our hearts and turning them back towards God.

right now I'm listening to a recording of As the Deer. not singing or anything, but just listening.

Vulnerable to Encouragement

I have this one design class where everyone is in a group/team and each member of that group has to do one presentation. So last friday it was my turn. My presentation affects my grade as well as theirs. I like presentations and speeches; I like preparing for them and presenting them. But I did so terribly. Actually, I think my presentation was the worst of all the presentations done so far this semester. Too fast, forgot what I was supposed to explain, wasn't coherent, scrolled through slides back and forth in a confusing manner, couldn't answer technical questions from the prof. etc.

After presenting, I sat down, and my phone vibrated. I was like huh, I got a text. I wonder who it's from. It was from a team-member. I was like Woah, what! she's sitting right there! The text read: "Great job, the slides looked great!" My first reaction was: you're lying; it was terrible. But then I realized how thoughtful she was to send a text from across the room, and how urgently she sent it--right after I presented. And that was encouraging to me, and it became more and more encouraging as I began to realize more and more the extent of how horribly I did. Later I remembered the look of the professor's face as I finished, and how he looked at his watch and had the expression of "that's it?"... and I remembered her text when I looked at my peer evaluations. There were others who said good job to me too, but this text was from my own group member, whose grades I just pulled down. And the timing of the text showed her extra thoughtfulness and eagerness to encourage me.

And now I have a report due tomorrow that is also a part of their grade. I emailed/spammed my group asking for some advice, and they replied not too long ago. .. All I can say is, exclamation points have never been so encouraging to me before. This one email began with "Hi Jamie, Looks great so far!!!!", gave some suggestions and ended with "It looks really good Jamie!!!!" It was so encouraging. It really blew my mind away. I am like the weak link in the group and they are so supportive and chill.

This made me think of Luke 7:40-47-- the illustration of the moneylender and how those who are forgiven more love more, and those who have been forgiven little love little.

so I guess we are more affected by (or vulnerable to) encouragement we have failed, when things aren't going great. because then we see the weaknesses and imperfections we have had all along and realize how wonderful and sweet forgiveness and encouragement is.

*disclaimer: I'm not actually that upset about it. I only realized that it affected me after I realized that I was super vulnerable to encouragement.