Short post preceding a busy week

I am pretty "scared" for a couple of my prelims this week, or maybe just one. As in, mentally scared, not emotionally scared... actually it's hard for me to get scared over these things. Anyway, I'm logically scared. Or, I should be scared. Or rather, if I was not me, I would be scared. Basically, I have a very good reason to be scared, but it's not hitting me. I'm not sure if it ever will.

Anyway, something I shared with someone recently is that I've been learning to love and desire learning. And that the mindset I have now is that I'd rather do poorly on a prelim by making stupid out-of-my-control mistakes but understand everything decently well, than do well on my prelim out of luck but not understand very much. Basically, I'd rather understand and learn than do well. There is a correlation between the two, but the mindset makes a difference in how you approach homework and studying. Are you studying to get a good grade, or studying to learn? Are you doing homework to finish the homework so you can check it off of your to-do list and move on to do the next thing, or are you using the homework as a tool to help you learn the material?

Yet at the same time, outside of this new learning mindset I'm trying to get used to, I have to consider all of this meaningless compared to eternal things. I have to be ready to, at any given moment, give up everything that I am working for, everything that I have worked for, everything that I have been given, everything that I like and am comfortable with, to follow Jesus. And in imagining this, it helps me when I'm specific about the things I'm giving up. I often just imagine transferring out of Cornell, and if I would be okay with that. It's hard, but it reminds me that my heart needs to be so attached to God that I would give up everything to go where He wants me to go. And concerning eternal things, I should be eagerly giving up everything to pursue them. Like the man who sold everything to buy that field where the treasure was.

I have everything because I have God. What more can I lose?

and yet, it's hard isn't it? We still do think about it as "giving up everything". But it should be called "giving up nothing", since that "everything" is like "nothing".

It's hard to think about these things. It's uncomfortable to think about these things. It's easier to not think about it. But it's also dangerous (for me at least) to not think about it. Because when I finally do come around to thinking about it, I will already have invested my heart in worldly things and I will be in despair when I realize how all that I had invested in and valued was meaningless. But my hope now, is that I continue to realize the temporal nature of the things I am doing, even while I strive to do them well to glorify and please God.