There must be more than this (2)

This is my second blog entry entitled There must be more than this.

Because that is how I feel: there must be more than this. What's the point of constantly making the same mistakes, constantly seeking the same things, having the same tendencies, falling into the same traps? And every time God picks me up, I realize: there must be more than this. A friend asked: is life circular or linear? It is circular, but it can be more linear. God is drawing us to Himself. Maybe it can be like the wheel of a car, moving circularly, but still moving forward. And each time we re-enter into a similar cycle/phase of life, it is a little different.

Sometimes when I feel alone, I look for deeper conversations. I try to create them.

because it's satisfying. to me at least.

When you talk about something deeper than food and work and jokes, it's more satisfying. Sometimes you learn new things about other people, or about life. Sometimes you realize things about yourself you never knew. Most of the time, you just want to listen and be listened to. You want to feel connected. You want to be understood or valued. You want answers.

But. still.

There must be more than this. There must be more to life than deep conversations. I realized that deep conversations still feel empty when God is not in them. After a while of just talking about life and how complex it is, or relationships and how complicated they are, or about the Church and its weaknesses, it's like... okay. now what? Why did we just talk about that? What was the point? Nothing has meaning in itself. But God gives meaning.

If God is in the conversation and you invite Him to direct the conversation, and you desire to please Him, then all your conversations will be meaningful, and come from a godly perspective. Even the simplest conversations. Your reason for those conversations will be completely different, God-centered. Instead of simply just talking and trying to obtain satisfaction, or just complaining or just feeding off each others' opinions or bitterness or judgments, you are speaking another language, talking and walking for a greater purpose. You are encouraging and growing closer to God. You are imparting Love and Truth. Just as God's Word is powerful, our words are powerful. Our life is impactful. Like prayer.

I miss talking about God, about how wonderful He is, about how He knows everything, how He works in everything. Even when things are really complicated. I miss the times when I'm so excited about what God is doing in my life, everything I see reminds me of what He is doing in my life.

Yet I do agree that at times, it is difficult to focus on God, on His Kingdom and eternal things. Especially when things occur, problems arise, stuff preoccupies your mind, distracting you from class, from focusing, from everything, from life itself. And you're like: what the heck? If God is my rock, why is this happening? Is God not my rock? Have I been deceiving myself? Why am I feeling this way? But God is gracious and compassionate. He graciously reveals to us our weaknesses, and strengthens us. Because He loves us.

"How can I give you up, Ephraim?
How can I hand you over, Israel?
How can I treat you like Admah?
How can I make you like Zeboiim?
My heart is changed within me;
all my compassion is aroused." (Hosea 11)

Lord, I know I am yours. And you will not give me up. I am yours forever, and I am not afraid.