A Specific Kind of Uncertainty

I used to really dislike uncertainty, but recently I thought about it and decided that I was okay with uncertainty. But today I felt uncomfortable with uncertainty again--with not knowing. And I wondered why. My whole career and life path is uncertain, yet it doesn't bother me. But something so small bothered me. and suddenly I realized that there was a pattern. I feel very uncomfortable and anxious when there is uncertainty in my relationships with others, or if there is great uncertainty in my mind of what people think of me--if I feel like they are getting a wrong idea of me or my heart based on things I know they observed, or things that I think they think. Of course people are always thinking things, and I don't mean that. This is hard to explain, but the bottom line is that I know I shouldn't care about what others think, at least for the most part. That's what I've been told. I should only care what God thinks, and aim to please God alone. He knows my heart. And even when my heart is wrong, He loves me enough to change me. And He loves me even when I fail to change. It's hard to change. It's easy to cover up our tendencies and make them more subtle.

A lot of times, when I am anxious about what other people think of me, I just go: "whatever. I don't care what they think" and then I block them out of my mind and try to worship God. Sometimes I am able to worship Him and sometimes things bother me so much that I am unable to worship Him with all my heart/mind/soul. When I am able to worship Him, I go into this mentality of: I just need you God. which is true. But it's the hiding mentality. When I go into that mode, I just want to hide in my room and worship God and not have to face the world where I feel like I must defend myself from judgment. (I only feel this way occasionally).

I'm not sure if that mindset is wrong or not. I guess it does prevent me from shining His light to the world. and from reaching out. from loving people. because it's risky. It's easier to love at a distance.

Soon and very soon

I'll be going to the place He has prepared for me

There my sins erased

My shame forgotten

Soon and very soon

When I first heard this song, it was so sad for me. My heart really ached. It is such a beautiful song. It describes our longing for God. It's like when you miss someone so bad, your heart aches and you have no appetite. I heard this song over the summer. And it just put me in a completely different mindset/heart of longing for God, and the feeling was so different that it made me sad/grieve over how all the things I had been talking about with sisters and things that I had been concerned about didn't matter. All the girl talk and stuff was meaningless. (even though they were good too... )but really, when we truly see God, we will forget the things of this world

I miss you God.

I say that to Him a lot. What I really mean is that I long for you in a way that feels like I miss you.. even though you are always with me.