Prelims and scores and being honest with myself

I think over the semesters, people's reactions to prelims become less and less intense, but it probably still affects us even though we may not want to admit it. So I haven't gotten anything back yet, and I've taken three prelims, out of the five that I have for this first round.

And even though in my mind I don't care what I get, I still do. I care, and my scores affect me. When I do badly, I tend to be significantly less motivated to try very hard in that class. (except when I do really really badly, in which case I'd be determined not to fail). And that says a lot about my heart and attitude. and pride. And if that doesn't make sense to you, I can explain it in greater detail.

And today I took a pretty horrible test. Everyone thought it was horrible, and people say that when everyone thinks it's bad, it's okay and you shouldn't worry about it because the mean will be low. But inside, I know that although everyone did badly, I did worse. A lot worse. And afterward, I just ignored thoughts of the test, and was completely unaffected, and continued doing other work. I didn't even feel like complaining or telling people I just took a hard test. And at the end of the day, I thought to myself: 'oh hey, cool. prelims don't affect me anymore.' But they do. I just don't feel it the same way I used to. And I think it'll be easy for me to keep ignoring it. Until I get it back and look at my score. Will I become angry and competitive? Will I hide away and mourn? Or, will I go to God and give it to Him? And hope that one day, I will really be unaffected by my scores (at least not affected as in the way described in the previous paragraph) because He will have changed my heart.

Unless the Lord builds the house,
its builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
the watchmen stand guard in vain.

In vain, you rise early
and stay up late
toiling for food to eat
for He grants sleep to those He loves. ~ psalm 127:1-2

Being honest with myself is hard. I have to face my sinful nature instead of thinking that I can handle things, and that I'm just a calmer, nicer person. Because I'm not. I'm so not. And if you think I am, then you don't know me yet. And maybe no one really knows except God and sometimes myself when He reveals it to me. Yet He still loves me, and He chose me. I didn't do anything.