Friday, July 31, 2020

Wanting more

I had a video call with a few girls, and it was good but left me unsatisfied and wanting more. After the call, I took a nap to attempt to nap away my desires. 

I want to look in people's eyes, feel their presence, sense their emotions, read their minds and souls, hug them, lean on them, hear their voices all at once, see their entire body, see their posture, hear their laughter and giggles

In-person hangouts are just so much better

But I guess if you live together, like family, you basically take that for granted, and you don't even look into each others' eyes. You just... like.. watch TV together or whatever. 

It's weird. to get to a state, where you don't want "more" of the other person. You're just comfortable ? Satisfied? do your own thing ? I guess at the end of the day, you'd want both. You want to feel safe and comfortable with people you are close to. (Messy room? who cares? it's just family.) 
After a while there is nothing more to know, nothing new to tease people about, and what's left is just partnership and support. Running the race together. Achieving the same goals together. 

I've always loved camaraderie

Trust
Loyalty
Deep affection

Why can't things last forever?

There is a well of emotion in me that is unexplainable. Just like the depth of Keira Knightley's eyes in Pride and Prejudice. 

I love eyes. I love vulnerability. I love people who say my name. 
I like touch. I like leaning on people physically. I like hugs.
I like sincerity. I like loyalty. I like genuine. I like transparency. 

I like that feeling when someone asks you a question that is so deep and intrusive that you suddenly feel naked. Your eyes open bigger and blink a couple of times before you're able to answer. Or the feeling when someone you trust gives you unexpected firm but gentle/loving feedback, and your eyes become very wide and obedient, and your heart becomes humbled. 

I wish that good times could last forever too. 

But I also pray that my heart can be enlarged to keep loving, with the same depth, every new person that is in front of me. despite how many changes life may bring


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