Mary Martha

In my women's book study, someone asked an interesting question about the Mary & Martha passage (Luke 10). She asked: "How would you recreate the story?"

Someone said they would have Mary and Martha both do the work so they could finish it in half the time and both sit at Jesus' feet.

Someone else said they would have both of them sit at Jesus' feet, and just have faith that Jesus would provide the food. (just like how He fed the 10,000)

At the time, I said I would have them do the same thing, except that Martha would serve joyfully instead of bitterly, and that Martha wouldn't pick on Mary like that. It seems that Martha has the gift of serving, or the tendency to serve. If you have that tendency, then go do it, but without self-righteousness or complaint. She should think to herself that by working, she can allow Mary to spend time with Jesus. It's just like how some husbands and wives have to rotate watching the baby while the other is inside listening to the service at Church or a retreat. When my brother was a baby, my dad always walked him when he cried in restaurants--so that the rest of us could have a good time. My dad always makes the sacrifice, and never complains.

But now, thinking about the passage again, I think I would just have both of them sit at Jesus' feet. Whether or not Jesus does a miracle and makes food is not important. physical Food is not as important as Spiritual food. They can fast for a meal for all I care. If I was Mary, I would want Martha to also sit by Jesus' feet and share my love for Jesus with me. It seems like in the passage Martha is not "getting" Jesus' presence. If you were really overwhelmed by His presence, you wouldn't behave like Martha.

Funny thing is that every bible study where they discuss this Mary Martha passage, more people say they relate to Martha than to Mary. Maybe because I related more to Mary, I recreated the story at first with Martha still doing the work. But deep inside, I do desire for all the Martha-tendency people to sit and enjoy God without worrying. If my dad went to a retreat, i wouldn't want him worrying about what time to pick up my brother from the kids' center; i would want him to be engaged, and to listen to the word of God

Malta

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

Sometimes we know what other people are thinking because we've been around them long enough. I haven't read psalm 139 in so long that I forgot that precious, sweet verse. You know when I sit and when I rise. You perceive my thoughts from afar.

It's like the perceptive manager who knows what is going on even though no one tells him. who knows who is doing the work and who is all talk. And after knowing and having such a manager, you end up trusting his decisions such that you don't try to copy him on all your emails just to prove that you are doing 'so much' work. You know that he'll take care of your workload and that he trusts you to give you important things to do.

I guess I am blessed to have had two good managers who have, in a way, helped me to understand God a bit better. I mean--I know it's a terrible way to understand God, but pastors make analogies of God's love with a parent's love too, so I'm allowed to make human analogies too. (although of course, business is more cruel than the family)


Funny story today. I randomly open my ipad and decide to read Acts 28 (partly because my church is part of an Acts 29 church network, so i figured I would read Acts 28), and the first verse says:
Once successfully on shore, we found out the island was called Malta

haha. what a prophetic moment (maybe).

A Home position

After a year of going to the same Church, I'm still in the newbie position. I know like 15 people, maybe 20, even thought there's probably 400. Partially because it's an American Church and they don't have "lunch time" (informally or officially) afterwards, and partially because I don't have kids--since you know how kids are so pure that they make friends in 5 minutes and then afterwards, the moms of the kids become friends too. And because i worked Saturdays, whenever there was hiking or random activities, I couldn't go.

Anyway, getting to the point. Tribe (small groups) started again (since apparently they shut down in the summer), and after the first tribe meeting, the leaders messaged me thanking me for coming. I was instantly reminded of CBS/college fellowships, where we send our first time visitors things after coming, to make them feel noticed and welcomed, so that perhaps they will come again. (That's how CBS got me actually--that, and a promise of a 1:1 prayer partner--which in my mind meant guaranteed close friend). Anyway, back to the point.. I felt really moved at that message.

This past week was my first M-F (monday to friday) week in the past year of working. Finally, I'm back to M-F schedule. I had to celebrate by "doing something" on Saturday, so I went and played frisbee with people from Church--(we have a central posting system where you can see what activities people are doing and join them, kind of like facebook). Today one of the sisters who played frisbee with me this Saturday messaged me and asked me how I was doing. I had just met her for the first time this Saturday.

Thinking back this past year, I'm really thankful for all the people in my Church and surrounding Churches / Christians in the area who have reached out to me and welcomed me to their groups, or asked me how I was doing, though they barely knew me. And now thinking about it, I used to be in that position where I was able to reach out to visitors, care for them, talk to them and pray that they would not fall away if they came only occasionally.  I want to be in that position again. In the "home" position, where this is my home and I welcome people in, and make them feel included, and welcomed and make sure they don't get lost.

I guess there is the home position and the "go" position (ie missionaries)... and... I'm in the wanderer position. Wandering around looking for ..i dont even know

Anyway, even the 'go' position is a 'home' position. Your home can be moving, because home is where the family of Christ is. Home crosses all borders, all cultural barriers, age gaps, educational differences and economic statuses. God is in you and you are welcoming people to your home

Realistic

In a meeting where we are discussing some things,
The manager says: "We have to be realistic"

That sentence stayed with me for a few days.

I thought back to my church's "woman's ministry's kickoff event" where the pastor's wife talked about something  some women fantasize about and said "that is an idol" .

So these phrases rolled around in my head " you have to be realistic". "that is an idol".

Lying on my bed with these thoughts in my head, I said to myself: Jamie, you have to be realistic. Your imagined life is an idol. You have to be realistic.

Then I thought back to one of the "TheTruthProject" videos we watched in this young adult group i go to. In one of the discussions, they said, Truth is God's reality.

If insanity is a loss of touch with reality , then I'm slowly going insane.


Jamie, you have to be realistic.You need to see with God's reality. And you need God

Another Winter

Just went to Target @8:30pm on a Sunday.

It was so cold outside--I was wearing short sleeves with long pants. It's only the beginning of September; it's not supposed to be that cold at 8:30pm. What's wrong with the east coast? It's like as soon as school starts, it's cold. It makes me think of the high school days when I waited at the bus stop for the school bus. Also made me wonder how I survived last winter. I dont even remember what I did last winter. Just went ice skating a few times, visited Cornell a few times....  what am I doing with my life? This is what cold weather inspires. A lot of thinking.

I'm living and thinking like there's no eternity or something. In college, I used to think that it's okay if I die, since I'll be with God and I can't wait for that day. But now, there's really very little of eternity in my heart. I'm living for the present and it's pretty sad. I'm 23 and I don't have much longer that I can easily just do whatever the hell I want to do. gosh, 23 is like mid-age already in my mind. Basically by 25 or 26, most people have decided the realm of what they want to do with their life. Spiritually, the age people grow the most is when they are young too.

oh right, forgot why i mentioned target @830 on a Sunday. It closes at 9pm cuz it's a Sunday. Feels weird to work Tues-Saturday sometimes. But that's such a first-world-country-middle-class problem; should stop fussing about my works schedule. As the economy gets better, people's mouths get larger too.

Waking up

It's hard to wake up on the weekends.

It's really strange how my body seems to know when it is a weekday and when it is a weekend.
This Sunday I finally made it to church after missing the past two weekends. I forced myself to get up and shower, and when I finally got in the car it felt like a weekday, 

What is a weekday?  A weekday is responsibilities, people,  surprises,  speed,  passion. I guess that's what a weekend should be too. I must be missing out on life.

Sacrifice

What is wisdom without love
And what is love without sacrifice

it's hard to care about everything, and you can't always please everyone,  but sometimes sacrifice is love.

Sight

It's easy to lose sight without community

Concept of Moving

Hmm. I guess I haven't blogged in a long time. Ever since google reader disappeared

I've been working more, treating work as if it were school, not really separating work and "off" time, but instead kind of integrating both in my free time. Work a bit, take a break, work a bit when i feel like it, take a break. Kind of like school. And maybe it's because I sometimes believe that I can single-handedly make a big difference in my company. It's the blessing and the curse of being in one of the busiest groups full of new grads. The blessing is that there is always more you can do, and therefore no limitation to the difference you can make, and the curse is that even if you didn't want to work a lot, you would still have to, to some extent. I guess, for my current situation, it more of a blessing, or an opportunity to grow and learn.

So, the people here, and the families/lives they lead are completely different from what I'm used to. Growing up in a middle-class/uppper-middle-class Asian dominated community in central NJ, it was very rare for anyone I knew to move away to another state or city/school-district, especially if they had kids. That was really weird.  If they lost their job, they most likely got another job in the same area, and maybe a handful would be forced to find a job a few hours away and just drive back on the weekends. But here in the capital region in the super high tech super competitive sect of the semiconductor industry, people just pick up and move when they are unhappy, or when they want a promotion (or when they get laid off).  --Many in my company have moved across multiple countries even--and most who came have been in more than 1 other state before.

I've never experienced such mobile people. I think when you are little, this fear of moving is implanted into  your soul. Fear of losing your best friends, losing that familiar environment, and everything that you know. But I think it is true what the articles say. The older you grow, the more difficult it is to make deep friendships because it is harder to spend time with each other they way you did before (and perhaps less vulnerabilities show when you become a proficient smiley professional who tucks emotions far back away). And I guess therefore, it becomes much easier to move.

But all of that is just physical location moving. What about moving spiritually? The older you get the harder it is? Too many present things filling our lives that we forget about the eternity we should live for.
Of all of this, what remains?

1 Year Anniversary

My mom sent me the sweetest text today.

Happy anniversary for your job - remember you said you could not pass one year!


I forgot that it was my job anniversary. My mom always reminds me to be grateful.

Getting Old

I had this sudden realization when I was back home. My mom's teeth were hurting, and it hit me that my parents are getting old. That I'm pretty much on my own very soon. That this cycle of life is slowly turning and it's becoming my turn.

Made me ponder that verse where the guy wants to follow Jesus, but asks to first bury his father. But Jesus says to let that go. Let the dead bury the dead.

This is it. What am I doing? Or, maybe the question is: how am I doing? How am I spending my time...
Will I be ready for God? Or stuck in my ways of life

a couple coworkers asked me this weekend why I was working 24/7. I remember when I first started at this company, I told a coworker that my policy was to go home as early as possible, and not to overwork. She asked why that was so, since usually people have the idea that they should work harder while they are still young. I said something about how it's not a good habit to work a lot--then you don't get to develop your life outside of work. And then you can't get out of working a lot. Something like that. Forgot what I said, but maybe it was a bit naive at the time. I think working a bit more is fine, as long as you know who you are even at work. Don't forget the people around you. A leader encourages, cares and creates other leaders, not hogs the attention.

most importantly don't forget to think about how you are doing. with Jesus.  If work gets in the way, push it back. Most of the time, it's unrelated, esp in causation, though there probably is correlation. Work doesn't worsen relationships inherently, but your heart towards it (and during it) might.

Greatest Worship Leader

God is the greatest worship leader.

Seriously. It makes all the difference. How you lead, or rather, how God leads. How you let God lead. And sometimes that doesn't come as our natural instinct... to let God lead .

But O God, please be our greatest worship leader each and every day in our lives

Feels Weird

I know this may sound weird, but it feels weird (or maybe just new) playing games one-on-one with a new friend--and i dont mean multi-player online games or computer games you would play by yourself anyway--. I mean games you wouldn't play by yourself (like board games or games you aren't in love with)

Maybe guys have it right. Playing games is a way of getting to know someone... even if it feels like i'm playing  a forced game with my brother. I can never understand how guys are so good at being excited about games. I could never pull it off with any kind of female (or male) guest: "Hey! Let's play a game!" .  It's more like: "..so... do you want to play a game .. ? "  (lack of confidence in that the game will be fun... or out of practice with hospitality).

Anyway, I played a cranium game today with my roommate.

It is great how 2 completely different lives can share a common bond. Like roommates. We're not at the same company, nor the same age, nor the same school, and do not have any mutual friends. But we decide to spend time together and do things together. It is a rather conscious decision. In the first few requests/opportunities, I feel like you can't have any rejections/misses; otherwise, both people will initiate less, and you'll both get into the habit of doing your own thing, and once you get into a routine, you'll almost never spend time together again, or will exponentially have fewer opportunities to do so.

Maybe that's how many other relationships work, and many other aspects of life. Get the start right and it'll be a lot easier. oh, the routine life. Why do we settle in so quickly?

my director's favorite quote:
The only constant is change
(except you know who)

Be the Loud Worshipper

Be the loud worshipper. Lift out your hands and sing your entire heart out to the one who is catching you. Or hugging you. Sometimes you can't tell the difference. It's like you've grown up. Maybe if things at work are going great, if you are feeling super accomplished and useful you'll forget all that is needed in the world beyond "just business". The personal world that is at once more meaningful and dark, and beautiful and complicated. 

At the end of the day, lift up your hands and praise the One who holds them. With dove's eyes, overwhelmed by His love. 

Have-more-want-more syndrome

So, visiting my distant half-relatives in China was an interesting experience.

This one older guy (50s/60s) was telling me that 15 years ago all people wanted was not to be hungry, but now what people want is a house and a car. So if you dont have a house and a car, you can't get a wife.

Quite interesting. Then, when I got back to the states, I was quite thankful for my job, since I'm comparing with folks in China (more specifically the slightly poorer regions of China), my job is very good. But now and again, I'm finding myself wanting more than what I already have. Perhaps a job that lets me work M-F instead of Tues-Sat. Perhaps a better area, one that has more people.. Perhaps a better Church that hangs out outside of Church activities..

The list is never ending. it's like trying to find the things to fill that feeling inside that something is missing. Maybe it's lack of direction in life. Lack of purpose or calling. Where am I going? Where are you leading me? I feel like I'm missing something. Maybe I am. Maybe I miss college, and the fellowship. Maybe I miss hugs, touches and deep conversations. Maybe I miss worshipping in living rooms. Maybe I miss seeing people totally in love with Jesus. Maybe I miss encouraging my brothers and sisters, and having them encourage me. I do. I do miss these things, and it's not easy to be a self-starter, to start what you see is missing from your community. It's much easier to do my own thing and ignore the 'something's missing' feeling.

Lease is ending

My lease is ending and my roommate is leaving, all of which comes with a lot of thinking...

Frequently ask myself "What do I want?"  And boy is that a difficult question

 Do I want a townhouse so I can host parties and gatherings? But then who would live with me? ... Do I want another random roommate again? If I have a random roommate, I can't really invite people over as easily...And is that all I want, is that what it boils down to? Inviting people over?  (or does it actually boil down to the search for college life and friendships again?)

"What do I want?" What kind of life am I imagining? Whatever it is, it won't be remedied by having a house or a place of my own. My desires are too deep for such a shallow solution. Ah, but anyway I still need to decide very soon whether to renew my contract, find a different apartment, or (make my mom) buy a townhouse.

dur

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that what he cannot lose

 just reading through my favorite quotes. I can't believe this super cliche popular quote could still stand out

duh stupid. why is it so easy to miss the big picture.......  we can't keep any of this anyway; whatever comfortable great position and life state we are in, it won't last forever. You can't keep it. In high school, it was my teachers. Sadly, they change every year. And now... it's everything... any part of my life could change at any given moment. Working at a fast paced brand new continuously growing company instills this lack-of-comfort-zone mentality in you. One month you could be working with someone, and the next thing you know, they've been switched to another group. And the next thing you know you're in charge of their project instead. That kind of thing x10. Rules change, HR policies change, group dynamics change. In a way I'm grateful for this fast paced industry. At least I can learn (again and again) that nothing ever stays the same, and there is no one and no situation that I can ever keep.

Hard to let go of the planner and forecasting mentality. "Life's an adventure"-- Well, that's only really romantic if you are adventuring it with someone. And I guess I do have someone; I just forget sometimes. That's probably why I haven't been seeing it as an adventure lately.

一口一口

Visited a Chinese church this past Sunday, where the pastor showed this cartoon

一口不能吃出个胖子，但胖却是一口一口吃出来的
(One bite cannot make you a fatso, but fatness comes about one bite at a time)

And this applies to many other aspects of life as well, like spiritual disciplines, raising kids, making friends, living life

Your worship pastor has been removed

Have not been attending my "home" church for the past few weeks, due to 'visiting' other churches (I guess college patterns die hard--but i just want to meet more christians in the area.... ). "home church" meaning the church I have "chosen" --(as in chosen to tell people I am apart of lol).

Anyway I got this email today saying that the worship pastor of my "home church" has been removed due to having multiple full-on, ongoing affairs with several women in the Church.... I was very surprised, even though, in general, I am not surprised at these kind of things. The Church is really really biblical and firm in doctrine and emphasis on discipleship, etc. It's not one of those dead churches, nor one of those weak churches that water down the gospel. The people there do really try to pursue God in their lives, at least the ones in my bible study.

But, yea, it's not that surprising, since looking at my own life, I feel like I could so, so easily do something like that. Lead a double life and think that nothing is wrong just because I feel great. And what about the women who joined in? I bet they thought they were Christian, even while being involved in all that. I bet they were just lonely and fell into it. It must be something very easy to fall into.

We are so easily deceived, so easily led astray, so prone to wander. So, so prone to wander. That's why we need each other. People in your lives to say:  yo, what the hell are you doing. wake up.
People to speak wisdom and truth into our lives when that foggy blinding haze falls on us

Come and go

People come and go, and you're standing there, at the airport. Not sure if there's any place to go or anyone to go with. Homesick but you don't know where your home is. If home is where your heart is, why is home constantly leaving. You realize you've found a home, and then find it is just as fleeting as the one before. Then when you've gone through several homes, you realize life is just like this.

Except that it's not. sigh. Thinking again too much these days. Actually not really thinking. Just emotionally weak.

Consumed by my own life

Man, it's good to be in a small group with people of different age ranges and backgrounds and struggles.
Easy to forget that there's a world out there, as in outside of your own mind.

and man, I could stare into their baby's eyes forever. They are so watery and pure. and beautiful
(small group leader has a baby)

But even though it was a good wake-up call that I've been consumed with my own life, and it was really nice to be able to look at beautiful baby eyes, it wasn't an auto-focus-adjustment either, as I still could not empathize with any of the struggles of anyone else in the group. It was a perspective adjustment of the mind, but not an adjustment of the heart.

I watched a movie about Hollywood LA culture recently, and it makes me sad that it's quite true not just in the LA area. Drug and sex addiction and searching for fame or meaning... Whenever I watch those movies where the people are addicted to drugs and completely hopeless, I get it. It's one of those situations where you go deeper and deeper into lost-dom until you realize you need help.

And I've been thinking about this world. All of us need help, seriously. But the culture has become so individualized that we've forgotten how to be friends and how to initiate and protect and love. How to intrude into people's lives, grab them by the arm and take them out. Like a big brother.

I've been truly blessed with true friendships and initiative friends who have taught me what it means to love by initiating. The world needs more people to intrude into lives. Because honestly, people want you to intrude. People want to be saved. Yea, they'll do their own thing, live an individualized, my-own-private-space read-my-own-books do-my-own-thing type of life, but they really do want the intrusion. The one thing I like about Chinese culture (remember, I consider myself more American than Chinese), is that Chinese culture initiates and is less individualized (more groupy) than American culture.

I read an article recently that said that after age 30 or so, it gets increasingly more difficult to develop deep friendships (even if you are still single by then). So, trust is a big issue when it comes to intruding into other people's lives. I keep thinking that when I have my own house, I'd invite people over for dinner to get to know them better, (as in, not people who are already my friends, but maybe coworkers and such), but then again, it's probably wishful thinking. I'll probably be too busy with family by then, or too lazy, or too "busy" with nothing at all. And so, once again, we leave that initiating work to the missionaries and tent-makers who dedicate their lives to initiation and finding opportunities to love.

It's easy to be consumed