One-on-one time

I wrote to one sister during the retreat: we need to have one-on-one time before we graduate.

why did I write that?

Group friendships. They're different from individual friendships. I think it's good to have both aspects integrated in a friendship. Just imagine being married, but not hanging out with other people together--like whenever you hang out with other people, it's always separate. That's weird isn't it? In the same way, it'd be sad to have a friend for so long, but feel slightly weird hanging out alone than in a group setting. It means you're not comfortable being alone with that friend.

And just now, I thought of God. and I wonder if it's like that with God.

That we need to be with Him alone, and also be with Him with others. Jesus had 12 roommates, but He still found a place to be alone with God. And I wonder if that's why it's hard after college--because we had (more of) a group relationship with God, but not also an individual relationship with God. We really need both.

Okay. Maybe I'm making all of this up. But, I do agree with a brother who shared that we need the body of Christ. We grow when we encourage others, and we grow when others encourage us.

I feel the same way I did freshman year. I told someone freshman year that I don't get homesick, because wherever I go, I build my own cloud/bubble/home. and I feel comfortable. That home is God in me. When I'm with God, I feel at home. And now, someone today asked me how I felt about graduating. I said that I don't really think about it like that. I think that this is another semester. And that life will be the same after I graduate. "Why will life be the same?" Because what matters in life will be the same. I will feel the same. I will feel God's presence in me.

I love you God. This is what someone shared at the Living Room Church today. How confident is David to say to God: "test me Lord"! Do we have that confidence? --that we can boldly approach the throne of God?

Second Chances

I'm thankful for second chances. I'm even more thankful that there can be multiple second chances.

In a way, that's what the actuarial career is for me. It's like my third 'second chance'. When I switched into materials science from (wanting to do) ECE, I thought to myself that I'll have another chance to do better/well in this completely different field. And now, I have moved from materials science to the actuarial field. To me, it is another chance to maybe/perhaps have some subject that I can semi-do (since it turns out that I can barely do matsci). But, in regards to career paths, who knows where I'll be in the future? Even in a few months, things could change. I'm open to change. I follow God, not my career.

I'm also so, so blessed to be retaking a class this semester. Yes, blessed. I get to retake a class. A matsci class. Seriously, the past two days every time I thought of how I'm retaking this class, it would make me smile. I don't think of the situation with regret or bitterness or any other negative emotion, because the past is over and forgiven. And now I have a second chance. I am so blessed.

I'm also so blessed to have people I know in all my classes. Even the class I'm retaking, there are other Seniors retaking it with me. And this random sophomore level ORIE class that I didn't think I'd know anyone in, I know at least 3 people. AND they saved a seat for me and texted me asking if I was going to come to class (I was 2 minutes late). I don't think I'll be late again to that class. I'm so blessed.

I've never been a natural at this saving-people-seats thing, or the getting-other-people-forks-and-napkins thing, so I'm sometimes very pleasantly surprised when people do that. yea... freshman year when I was first making friends and eating lunch with them. .. they'd get me forks and napkins. I was blown away.

And that reminds me of how, in the new testament, those who perceived themselves as the most sinful, were the most thankful of what Jesus did for them. That He forgave them and loved them and gave them a second chance and believed in them. And gave them hope.

That's what I need to hold onto. Hope. Every time I get stuck while studying for my actuarial exam, I am tempted to think that I'm not smart enough for this. But clinging onto hope gives me strength to try again and again to understand the concepts I could not understand at first.

Grace like an ocean

It's one thing to love imperfect people who love you back just as much; it's another thing to be perfect and love an imperfect person who can never love you back the way you love them, who tends to love you back, but then hurt you, and then love you and then hurt you again.

God loves me like that; I can't even understand. Man, even being an imperfect person with little ability to love, it's still difficult for me to give that little love that I could give. Here I am, an imperfect person hesitating/afraid to love, holding back love, when God, who is perfect has freely given everything to me through Christ.

It's difficult for me to truly appreciate my brother. I mean, I love him, and physically, I spend time with him and act lovingly (most of the time) with him. But I intentionally reserve affection from him. He would love it if I held his hand, or hugged him a lot, but I try not to. I do hug him sometimes, but whenever I do I feel like I'm "holding my breath" and just doing it because it's the right thing to do. I don't really feel it. And I really try to not feel any emotion/affection when hugging him, even though he's so excited to hug me. And I'm so excited to hug my friends.

Our hearts are weird. There are so many cases like this. There's no reason not to love, yet it's difficult. It's something about the heart. About letting go or being honest, maybe letting go of control or fear and dying to self.

I can love God because He loved me first; yet, at times I do not even love God; I hurt and grieve Him. My heart is prone to wander, yet He loves me completely.

So much to do

So much to do even before the semester has begun! Yet, I thank God that I have stuff to be stressed and busy about.

For the past three weeks of break, I've been studying for the second actuarial exam, making videos for a start-up and doing other fellowship things, as well as exercising and spending time with people and family. (God is part of family)

Echoing what a friend wrote in her blog post, I've also realized that it's so challenging to balance everything, especially family and work. Or rather, family and stuff-I-have-to-do-alone. One day I just got so stressed realizing how behind I was on studying, and on top of that, I just spend hours chauffeuring my brother to activities. Didn't realize that driving people to places takes up your entire day. I have no idea how my parents work, cook, buy groceries, drive my brother places, teach my brother stuff, think about me, and manage household stuff like bills and broken cars. And they aren't even stressed.

sigh. so much to learn. Well. There's always something to be thankful for. And I'm thankful for my parents, my brothers and sisters in Christ, and for my brother who loves me a lot.

Supposedly, there is an iphone app called Worship 10M that vibrates every 10 minutes, with the purpose being to help people to remember every 10 minutes how good God is, and to think of something to thank Him for. When I first heard about this app, I was like... what... EVERY 10 minutes? That's crazy. But supposedly, it just changes your entire mindset and perspective when you start thanking God all the time for everything. So if you bump into someone who went to alabaster retreat, you can say to them "Give me 3", and they'll know that's a cue for 'give me three things you're thankful for'. =) Actually, someone did that to me this past semester, and it was amazing how it changed my mindset completely.

Back from Alabaster Retreat

quotes from the retreat. Random quotes, not related to the main stuff, but they stuck; I like it when preachers are real. It's good to encourage, and it's good to be real.

"Love is proportional to hurt. Write this equation down" ~Che

"You don't see treasures in people unless you've seen hell" ~ Bob

Dude, yesterday, I came back to the hotel room at 3am. Room was dark of course, since someone was sleeping. Another person was on my cot; she got off when she saw me come in. Whispers to me "Sorry, I was on your bed because I was looking at the view". I'm like "oh yea, it's okay". I get changed, go to brush my teeth. She's still sitting on her bed kinda staring off into the dark, pondering. In the bathroom I'm smiling to myself, chuckling on the inside. Big huge smile. Man, I know what's up. She's in love. All this looking-out-the-window-at-the-view and sitting-up-in-bed stuff. She's in love with God. The fourth roommate comes in 10 minutes later and is like "are you okay?" The sitting-up-in-bed roomie is like "oh yea yea", and kinda slides down and lays on her bed, but obviously still thinking about the day and how awesome God is.

Next morning, I get up. I go shower, turn and see on the glass "counselor". At first I thought it was the hotel's initiative to design glass that has words on it like that. But then I realize whoever showered before me wrote with water on the condensation on the glass "Thank you Prince of Peace Wonderful Counselor" and drew a heart with Jesus' name in the center. This was another roommate.

I'm like wow. She's in love with God too. And the amazing thing is that she slept the same time I did, but got up 2 hours earlier, to read and stuff. It's not just words. She's living it out.

Last quote from the retreat. this covers all the speakers; I got a quote from each.

"The proof of love is in the spending of time. I can say all I want: 'I love you' with my wife. But if I work until 10 at night and don't come home, and let my kids go to bed by themselves every night I'm a liar" ~ Brian

I need God

I've been exercising a lot these days, and it's really nice sometimes. I can listen to music or sermons, or watch the cooking channel or the news. Think about stuff, struggle with stuff.

I was watching "Chopped" (a cooking competition) and the guy who won had just lost his father the day before, and he was all like "my father would be so proud".

In the matsci lounge this semester, people were working on this tedious stats assignment probably not worth anything--and they were discussing whether or not it was worth doing. They all agreed that if it weren't for the professor (he's super respected and is a genius), they wouldn't be attempting the assignment. This one guy was like: "I just want Thompson to say to me 'you did an awesome job'. Then I can go home satisfied".

I remember this one tennis match in HS. I was the last one still playing; it took forever because we kept tying. Finally, I lost. And the coach, whom everyone disliked, but who liked me, came up to me and shook my hand and said good job or I'm proud of you. Or something like that. And it felt really really good.

Who am I working for? Who, or what is worth living for in this life?

Definitely not myself. Pleasing myself leads ultimately/eventually to a life of meaninglessness, and it sucks when you get to the point where you begin to feel it--the emptiness of going for your own glory.

Pleasing others. Well, I have to be honest and say that for me personally it really works a whole lot better (and longer) than pleasing myself. But it doesn't last forever.

gah. I really need God. It's so easy for me to be like: okay I'm good, because at least this or this is going well for me. Or, as long as this is right in my life, I'll be okay (and "this" doesn't happen to be my relationship with God..)

Yesterday, as I was sleeping I thought: wow, if I could love God as much as I love ___ or __, that would be awesome.

Then I thought about David, and how God blessed his family line so much. And then I got it. God loves David. You can see it by the way God had Jesus come from David's line and how God blessed David's generation. God really loves David. God really loves John. And Peter. And Job.

And God just longs to give us everything He has. and bless us and be proud of us. Everything I have is yours. but He doesn't want to give us stuff that would destroy us. And if our hearts are not in the right place, a lot of things/blessings could destroy us (pride). And meanwhile He's waiting for us. Jealous for our hearts.