the real MBA application

Today I told my current manager and previous manager that I'm applying for MBA

Finally got that off my chest. 

Now I need to get going on those application essays. 

Application essays, recommendations, resumes, and interviews (if you get to that part)... so many pieces of the application to worry about. I was pretty stressed this past week deciding how many (and which) schools to apply to in round 1. Stalked quite a few people on LinkedIn and sent a few random MBA alumni messages/questions

Just now, I was lying on my bed, de-stressing. I started daydreaming about telling a particular person about Christ and bringing him and his wife to Church. Then I was like: sigh. God, Why am I getting an MBA? (in my head I was illogically thinking, what's the point of an MBA if I still suck at telling people about God?--of course that is unrelated and on its own separate learning track). But the question is still valid anyway. Why do I want an MBA? God, why do you want me to get an MBA?

I always make sure, that even when I make my own plans for life, that I am willing to, at any moment, give up all of my plans and let Jesus divert/change them. 

So I was ready. On my bed. I was like: sure, I can give it all up now. Even though I've told my managers and I've taken the GMAT. I am ready to give it all up. 

(That was just a heart check. I didn't feel any conviction to give it up or anything. )

The real MBA application is with God. If you think the admissions committee (adcom) can tell you're bluffing your essays, God can tell even more if you're bluffing your heart with Him. That's why God's application is always the toughest. --because we sometimes don't even understand our own heart. Or our childhood. Or our upbringing. Or our emotions. But the best part about God's application is you don't need a set career goal or life plan. It's all about you and God. It's like marriage. 

It's kind of like how when my boss asked my colleague a question, and my colleague replied: "let me call and ask the real boss" (aka his fiance). 

Emotional dad video

My Indian friend posted this video on facebook. It starts with a bunch of Indians who have grown up, saying "how are you dad?"

It was slightly "touching" but.. something about it made me resist it. I was like : no, it shouldn't be like this. They're glorifying and confirming a type of father that should just be loved and appreciated, but not glorified and confirmed. They're declaring what fathers should be like and what a father's role is, based on their own father.

I guess my father had some similarities to the father in the video, but not as extreme.

And part of me was like.... Noooooooo , you have no idea what your Heavenly Father is like.

Anyway, I guess the video is still good. Maybe I've just been thinking too much about my Heavenly Father, haha. And also now that I'm grown up-ish, I see my earthly father as a person, a man, and an older friend, rather than just a father, so I was kinda 'eh' about boxing dads into this "father" box. (as if he's not actually any other role). But maybe the video is more relevant to others' fathers

women's retreat

Just came back from Terra Nova's women's retreat.

It was really great, and really interesting. It was really women-oriented--my first women's retreat. There were single women, married women, divorced women, married women with kids, pregnant women, etc. Very diverse in age and "stage of life", though in this day and age, there might not really be a set "stage of life" since there's really no set path or 'normal path'. My single friend just shared this article with me today.

Actually, one of the takeaways from the retreat was not really anything taught or discussed, but just something I absorbed/learned from observation. I was so awed by watching how close some single women were to married women with kids, and how married women with kids treated and saw single women the same way (didn't see them as immature, or too young to be friends with them) . I had a good conversation with a married women who had kids, where I didn't feel like she felt I was too young to talk to her; (in fact the fear was probably on my side, where I feared a subtle rejection from married women with kids---was super happy when she facebook friended me).

I watched as one single sister would keep checking up on married women with kids, to see how they were doing. It was beautiful to see the younger single woman initiate the friendship (too) rather than just the other way around. It was refreshing. And beautiful.

Another related thing I noticed was: Sometimes I could not tell who was single and who was married. Some people who looked single, actually were married with many kids. They just had such an 'independent', 'adventurous' spirit. (I always thought that after you had kids, all you really thought about were your kids and their activities)

At Church, I'm so used to people reaching out to the lonely abandoned single people. As for couples, well, they already at least have each other so they're good. But that's really not always true. Women need other women too. All the brokenness shared at the retreat really opened my eyes to all the pain both married and single women can experience from relationships.

One more take-away: one pastor's wife mentioned the book 'sex and the supremacy of Christ', and how sex is something created by God meant to be an example of intimacy, just as marriage is a 'reflection'/example of the Marriage between Christ (the Bridegroom) and the Church (the Bride). God wants to have a relationship with us, and be that intimate with us. We are His bride.

One woman on the retreat said she had trouble with the idea of being "the Bride of Christ", and she felt God saying to her: "it's okay. You can be my little girl. I am a gentleman and I will wait for you".

The Solution

It's funny to see how people reacted to the Santa Barbara shootings.

Some people claim it's all about the gun control--how he shouldn't have been allowed to so easily buy a gun. Some people ranted about how his parents should have paid more attention to his health condition rather than spoil him, ignore him and get him a BMW. I guess in the end, it's just so many different things. And there's no one solution, although technically there is. but it still takes a lot... to get the solution implemented... (If I'm allowed to talk about Jesus that way).

It's easy to be like: oh yes, the solution is Jesus. Every problem, every pain, every wrong thing. Jesus.

Umm, really? Do we even believe that? What does it mean that the solution is Jesus?

Well, God is love, so the solution is love. God's love. The love that we cannot comprehend. The love that is deeper and wider and more faithful than we can ever fathom. I guess if you elaborate it like that, perhaps God is the solution for everything.

And then there are things like money. We don't think about that as much in the middle class world. We forget those movies where the husband and wife become poor and the wife starts yelling at the romantic husband because she's too anxious about the lack of money. And the marriage falls apart because of money. If you didn't know, the divorce rate is 30% higher for families with household incomes below 50K. (of course there could be other factors correlated, but I personally think money solves a lot of problems and a lot of fights). But theoretically, if you had enough of God's love, it wouldn't matter.

I don't know. I've never been left out to starve. Never even fasted more than 1 day. Never desired God or missed anyone so bad that I simply forget to eat for a long period of time.

Well, what can we say? Even the bible admits to the practical stuff. Don't say "keep warm and well fed" without actually giving people real food (James 2:16). Love has to come with action. And even God himself gives good gifts--and sometimes these gifts are food/financials. He provides!

In any case, God is actually the solution, even though it sounds so cheesy and cliche for those who grew up in the Church.

God is the solution, but sometimes it's hard to have faith that He is.

Stuck in a rut

I've been going to the dentist a lot these few months,  getting my fillings and cleanings and x- rays and consultations.

My dentist suggested some options for aesthetic and functional teeth improvement. He told me the things wrong about my teeth,  some that I noticed and some that I did not know about. I did a lot of research, second opinion gathering, thinking,  looking at pictures of myself , taking pictures of my teeth. And dude it's so funny. When I didn't have my own dentist,  I was fine but now that I have a great dentist who tells me all my teeth imperfections,  It's like stressing me out because I'm not willing to go through the effort to make my teeth perfect. I'm not willing to do braces for two years again and I heard it may cause TMJ which I luckily currently don't have. And veneers cost a lot, are irreversible and require extra care. What if I become a missionary and don't have access to good dentists and don't have spare money every 20 years when I need to get my veneers replaced?

Anyway. So silly of me to get stressed out about this. Sometimes we get fixated on having to fix all our imperfections and it's stupid. I'm not saying it's wrong to fix aesthetic things but we have to realize we'll never be perfect

Go outside. Take a deep breath.

"There's more to life than that. Go outside. Take a deep breath."

lol, what a great quote from a sister. a little (or a lot) out of context, but really applies to any rut we could possibly be stuck in, or any obsession or craving or sin or desire.

(of course there might be limits to 'go outside and take a deep breath'. You could potentially do that forever and get nowhere and still have no direction and no God)

Friends

Some friends/coworkers threw me a surprise birthday party today. Really took me by surprise since it's a few days before my real birthday; I thought one of them was just making me dinner.

It really feels really great to have friends, no matter what kind or how close, how silly or how real. I used to be really amazed when I realize I have friends. like Wow. I have friends? Now I'm just so thankful that I have so many friends, and real friends too, even in a new place, new environment. I'm so amazed that I can make friends, like real friends, completely from scratch, in a new place. It's a scary thing sometimes--moving around, thinking you'll never have real friends again.

And just as it starts to get warm, you realize it's time to go out again.

cake my coworker (and sister in Christ) made: