Good quotes

From Ender's Game. Context: Peter and Ender are brothers and rivals;
Ender is talking with his sister Valentine, --the middle child!

"You don't understand", he said.
"Yes I do."
"No you don't. I don't want to beat Peter."
"Then what do you want?"
"I want him to love me."

This one is from Searching for God Knows What

And this is the thing about life. You go walking along, thinking people are talking a language and exchanging ideas, but the whole time there is this deeper language people are really talking and that language has nothing to do with ethics, fashion, or politics, but what it really has to do with is feeling important and valuable.

--

This is how I've been feeling the past week. I don't want what I say I want, and I don't want what I'm going after. It's not about beating Peter; it is much deeper, much much deeper.

Planning out my life

Planning out my life... is a very typical tendency I have. I actually sort of stopped doing this for at least a year. I have done it since high school. When I say "planning out my life", I really mean planning it out. If I'm thinking of orphanages, I'll really look up orphanages and create lists and find out the details and read discussion forums about it. In-depth planning. I want to be an informed decision-maker.

Planning out my life is so complicated. There are too many factors; it's like statistics. We learned today in class that SAT scores are correlated with height. This is probably because more nutrition leads to increased height. And because affluence is also correlated with height. And a million other factors, who knows? This is why there are too many factors to predict how my choices today will affect my tomorrow.

I want to predict what will happen, and so it's a game of probability. What is the most probable outcome of each decision? But somehow the spinner always lands on the least probable outcome that I never thought about. What up life. What up God.

Yet, though I know this, and though I know none of my freshman year forecasts came true, I'm too stubborn to stop predicting and planning. It's difficult to separate healthy planning and wise planning from unhealthy stressing out, because it's not like my heart rate increases when I stress out. How am I supposed to know if I'm stressing out, or doing wise planning? How do I know if I'm trusting in God? I used to base it off of my feeling, if I feel that I am trusting God, but I do not feel much anymore, or just recently...

Anyway, this is a very inconclusive vent-ish post.

A passage from Blue Like Jazz:

[P]"And I never thought after I got married there would still be something lacking. I always thought marriage, especially after I first met Danielle, would be the ultimate fulfillment. It is great, don't get me wrong, and I am glad I married Danielle, and I will be with her forever. But there are places in our lives that only God can go."

[D] "So marriage isn't all that it is cracked up to be?" I ask.

[P] "No, it is so much more than I ever thought it would be. One of the ways God shows me He loves me is through Danielle, and one of the ways God shows Danielle He loves her is through me. And because she loves me, and teaches me that I am lovable, I can better interact with God."

Not a completely unrelated passage; it all falls under the umbrella of life, and finding what you want in it (as in fulfillment). Except that as Christians, God comes first and what you want is what God wants, and what God wants is what is best for you.

And God wants you to want God.

What you fear

I journaled today. Like on paper and not on a word document. I think paper has a different effect; you ramble less because it takes longer to write, which gives you more time to think about what you are writing, which should make your writing more concise and meaningful.

And I realized.

that right now, (or rather yesterday/this past week), I was more afraid of losing what God gave me, than of losing God Himself. Not that we can "lose God", because God is constant; we are are the ones that get lost. But previously when people asked me what my worst fear was, I would say: 'Losing God'. (also a title of a great book for depressed people btw). So, when I say 'Losing God', I actually mean Losing myself.

I was more worried about losing the things God gave me, than about losing God. And I wanted the things God gave me, but without God.

But if you do not have God, you will destroy the things He gives you.

Or, the things you want and pursue will destroy you.

Too late

Yesterday, after 4 hours of being in office hours, there were 4 people left.

[me]: wow, I’m like making up for the past 3 years of not working so hard
[DY]: yea, but this is good; I’m understanding things. I like understanding things.
[me]: yea, I like understanding things too. I wish I had worked harder earlier; It’s too late now.
[DY]: It’s never too late.

Today, I replayed the conversation in my head a few times, and thought about whether or not it was true. That it’s never too late.

In a narrow-minded sense, yes, sometimes it can be too late--too late to meet a particular/specific goal. But in a broader, more general sense, no, it is never too late, never too late to start, never too late to change. If you are a father of a 25-year-old son and you never bothered to build a relationship with your son, then it is too late to create those childhood memories. And some may think you may never be able to win your son’s heart back after years of bad fathering. But it’s never too late to change. To start the process. The outcome may be uncertain, but it's not always about the outcome.

So, in the specific sense, yes, it is too late to make things the same again. Too late to meet particular goals, too late to turn back time. But it is never too late to change, to start over, to be forgiven, to forgive, change.

And that is why we say: “it is never too late” in response to someone who says ‘it is too late’. Because we are encouraging them to think in a broader sense.

In essence, we are saying to them: it doesn't matter, but think about what does matter.

It is too late--
It is never too late.

I have family

as I was sitting in my room, it hit me that I have family in Taiwan.

Especially thinking about all my cousins on my mom's side, four of them girls, and two of them my age.

I have another world in Taiwan. And I missed it--I missed growing up with them, though I saw them every few years. I realized this when I saw two of my cousins from different families/parents interacting. They were so close. and I realized I had missed it. I was their cousin too, but they had grown up together, in the same culture and country.

But I guess now thinking about it, I have family all over the world. in different cultures and countries. The only problem is I don't think of them as family. Once in a while, I remember that they are called family, because we are in Christ. But if I really believed that I had family all over the world, I'd live differently and think differently. I'd pray for them and give them money. I'd love them.

"But the trouble with deep belief is that it costs something. And there is something inside me, some selfish beast of a subtle thing that doesn't like the truth at all because it carries responsibility, and if I actually believe these things I have to do something about them. It is so, so cumbersome to believe anything." -Donald Miller, in Blue like Jazz

It's a different world out there. Actually, there are so many different worlds. But sometimes it's easier not to notice.

Nooooo

Nooo. School is starting.

first week's okay. and so is second week. maybe third.

Then school actually starts.

This is maybe the first time I want to stay home. Stay home, eat apples, apply to jobs, pretend to read textbooks. Read magazines about the decline of America instead.

and listen to my mom's cheery voice.

Well, the bright side is that I get to move around. Every two months, I enter a new state or city or country. Readjust, come back, readjust again. Woo. Carefree Nomad.

But sometimes when we go on vacation, we're not really adjusting to our surroundings. We go there to get something out of it, to bring something back. When we walk on the streets, we're not looking to understand the place, we're looking for a special experience, a unique gift, a picture-worthy scene. Something to bring back. Get something out of the trip.

But when you begin to fall in love with the place, you begin to think about what could you give to it, instead of what you can get from it. Sometimes you even think about what you can bring from your hometown to give to the new place. Not just materials goods, but skills, culture, experience, etc. When you begin to love a place and the people, you think about what you could offer them, what you could give them. And then, you adopt some of their culture and adjust to some of their thinking.

I really love Shanghai, and being there has changed me a little, but once I get immersed into Cornell life, I'll change back and readjust back. I don't want to change. I can't explain how I've changed; it's something you just have to sense. Big cities are a dangerous place; people change there. Not a good change, nor a bad change, strictly speaking.

It's the same with God. Sometimes you know there are certain conferences or meetings or people you want to avoid. because God often uses those certain ones to change you. Sometimes you don't want to change.

But God is like that. He changes you anyway. Because He melts your heart of stone. My heart is probably titanium. In three weeks it'll probably be squishy. I bet. God does that. He loves me too much.

Donald Miller quotes

Donald miller has the best quotes ever.

"My most recent faith struggle is not one of intellect. I don't really do that anymore. Sooner or later you just figure out there are some guys who don't believe in God and can prove He doesn't exist, and there are some other guys who do believe in God and they can prove He does exist, and the argument stopped being about God a long time ago and now it's about who is smarter, and honestly I don't care" -Donald Miller

"Humans are constantly, and in every way, comparing themselves to one another, which, given the brief nature of their existence, seems an oddity and, for that matter, a waste. Nevertheless, this is the driving influence behind every human's social development, their emotional health and sense of joy, and sadly, their greatest tragedies. It is as though something that helped them function and live well has gone missing, and they are pinning for that missing thing in all sorts of odd methods, none of which are working. The greater tragedy is that very few people understand they have the disease. This seems strange as well because it is obvious. To be sure, it is killing them, and yet sustaining their social and economic systems. They are an entirely beautiful people with a terrible problem."