Aligned to God's org

Just like the Centurion in Matthew 8, who understood the authority of Jesus through his job, I'm starting to understand more of God's Kingdom through my job.

I work in Sales Operations Finance, and my role as the North America sales forecasting lead, in some companies is actually in the sales organization, rather than the finance organization. However, at my company, we believe that finance can only be truly independent and unbiased if they are aligned to finance instead of the business, which in this case is sales. Therefore, even though I work very closely with sales, I still report to Finance and am in the finance org.

And this week, I realized that it's the same in God's Kingdom. Because I'm a Christian, I'm aligned to God's org. I do have to interact and work with people on Earth on a day-to-day basis, some of whom are not aligned to God's org, but ultimately, at the end of the day, I report to God. He's my manager. My goals are aligned to the goals of God's Kingdom.

It's kind of like how I interact with sales people a lot, and I'm the business partner to the North America Sales VP, and I do need to work closely with them, but my heart is with Finance, because my performance review comes from Finance. At the end of the day, I listen to what Finance wants, not what Sales wants. So, the mentality is: be close to them so you can be a good business partner to them, and influence them towards finance's goals, but remember your allegiance is with finance, not sales.

I thought about this because I made a spiritual mistake or compromise this week where I let fear of man get to me. Sometimes my default action is to do or say whatever pleases people and will make them happy. It's hard to react on the spot in tricky situations, to do what would please God. But then I remembered that it's my mindset. I have to remember who I am, that I'm in God's org and my goals are the goals of the Kingdom of God. I should be unbiased in favor of God's viewpoint. And the more 1:1s I have with Him, the more I understand His heart and my role in his org/Kingdom.

Also, just like how our manager's passion and optimism affects us, God should affect us too. Fortunately, He is never changing, and He is hope and love. so, since God is always in a good mood, we should too, be always full of hope. Hope and hopelessness are both contagious, and we should be contagious with hope.

God is my manager

I love my job. It's only been a month, but I love it so far. It's everything I loved in a job that I realized over the past 2 companies that I've worked for. It's tactical; it's fast-paced; it's relational; it's broad in scope. And on top of that, I have an awesome manager, who spends time with me. Because love is spelled T-I-M-E.

Last last Friday in worship, I felt God say to me that He is my manager. Even though I love my manager at work, God says to me that He is my manager. And He's even greater than anyone I can imagine. He always has time for me. He says we can have 1:1s any time. He always wants the best for me, and believes in my growth. He is my encourager. I can share anything, personal or professional with Him. I can update Him on my life and tell Him of any help needs, because He is powerful and has all authority. He makes things happen, according to His good and perfect will. And His will includes me, because He loves me more than I know. He knows me. He is familiar with all of my ways. Before I tell Him something, He already knows. But He loves to hear it from me anyway, because He loves hearing me talk to Him and spend time with Him.

God is so amazing. This revelation is so amazing.

Honestly, I thought I was going to have a terrible manager, coming here. Part of that was my first impression on the phone with her, and part of that was that I've always had amazing managers and I thought in my heart that I'm due for a bad manager. And part of me thought that maybe God wants to train me and test me through a bad manager. But I stand amazed. And I was mistaken. God has a plan for us. Sometimes we think He just wants to teach us a lesson or train us like an Army commander or something. But God is so much better than that. His plans for us go deep. They're deep and sophisticated and well-planned out. and we have no idea. no idea how good He is. We don't even know.

Value

My value is not based on my knowledge, my experiences, what I can provide, how I can help, how I can make people happy or pleased with me, how much i can impress people, how much of a role I play in transforming people's lives, how wise or mature or humble i am,  how likeable or appropriate acting I am.

It's hard though, especially with new friends, new communities, and a new working environment. With old friends, they already decided to like you, to be your friend. You have memories that won't go away. With new people and new environments, it's always like I'm trying to earn more love and make myself more valuable. How can my skills and diligence and previous working experience and my EQ help make me valuable here in this working environment? How can my deep sharing and vulnerability and mysteriousness and care for others and eye contact  help make others (who already have friends) want to care about me and make me their friend?

Without a kingdom of God mindset, all we focus on is our insecurity and trying to satisfy the never ending hole. But we forget that we have already won. God is pleased with us. We are accepted by God. We have won. Our battle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the forces of evil in the spiritual realm (Eph6:12). So let's not fight the wrong battle here in this short short while that we are in earth.

Moving to California

Part of me is excited to be moving to a new place. Excited to buy a mattress, towels, trash cans and stuff like that. Excited to take my mom to eat fen yuan, and to visit Churches with her on Sunday. Not as excited about starting a new job in a new field because I'm scared I won't be as good as I was in my previous job/field. Not super excited about all the awkward introductions and my super shyness and not knowing how to make conversation with new people at work and outside of work. I haven't talked to new people in so long that I probably suck at it now.

I feel a bit sad leaving my family, especially my brother who is still in high school. Not so much that I'll miss him or that he'll miss me, but more scared that he might not turn out as good without me there helping to explain life and emotions to him, and to mediate between him and my mom. I'm worried about his maturity, his emotional health, and his belief in and relationship with God. But I also trust my mom and dad to take care of him. And I'm trying to trust God. To let go. I'm not his mom anyway. Time to worry about myself and live my own life ?

Part of me is also excited to be farther from the worries of my brother and my family, and my family friends' issues. I still want to know what's going on, but because of the distance, I won't be as preoccupied with their stuff. It won't stress me out as greatly, and I can be a part of a new community in CA.

It feels like I'm letting go of a piece of my life that I really love, and starting something of my own. It takes a while to really get to know a community and enjoy their presence. Maybe as little as a few months, but probably more like half a year to a year. In the meantime, I look forward to enjoying God's presence, God himself and turning my affections and thoughts toward Him. Perhaps getting more into painting in my alone time.

Pretty proud of my first painting, especially since I have basically no artistic talent. To be fair though, I found the picture online, so it wasn't my idea, like I wasn't painting from an image in my mind that I created. That's the goal though, in the future.

Emotional healing

I was re-listening to a teaching on emotional healing and I can't get these quotes out of my head; they're so good.

"Emotional pain doesn't like to be pushed. It needs to be validated, then healed. People are the way that they are for a reason. And it's not generally because I want to be an angry person with rage.. but I somehow got there,.. and so validating that you are the way that you are for a reason..."

"Sometimes honor is all that people need to heal. Sometimes all that people need to hear from you is that your pain matters to God"

The Awkward Vacation

Maybe awkward isn't the right word. Perhaps I just mean a vacation you don't want even though you are supposed to want it. Or maybe I mean: a vacation at the wrong time.

I just finished Global Awakening's 3 week summer intensive school. I was so inspired/encouraged by seeing all these people who love God so much, and who love people. People who initiate loving other people. I was talking to a friend from NJ and I was joking with her, saying that all these people in the 3 week school are targeting me because I look unhappy. I was like: one day this woman just came up to me and gave me a one minute hug and told me I was God's jewel. (It was literally one minute because I tried to release the hug multiple times thinking it was over, but it wasn't; after a while, I was okay I guess I'll just hold on. lol). There were so many others who just leaked the love of Jesus, and so many who went out of their way to say hello to me and greet me even though I didn't do that for them. These people are great. It's so amazing when you meet people who are so willing to love on you and pour into you, even though you may never see them again after these 3 weeks.

Tomorrow I'm going to Shanghai, then Taiwan, for vacation and relatives-visiting. But my heart is not really in the mood for vacation. I'm just so in love with Jesus right now, and I honestly just want to spend more time with Him, to learn to hear His voice more clearly, to spend time soaking in His presence. I know God is with me even on the vacation. But it feels weird. Like I'm supposed to want to go to Asia to eat good food, but I don't even care about food that much right now. I have very little appetite. It's seriously just like being in love. I just want to keep this forever. I never want the honeymoon phase to be over. And I know it's possible because I've met people these past few weeks who live like this every day. Most of them are in or have gone to the full time school. I'm putting that in the back of my mind, saving it for later. Perhaps one day, I'll come.

Living in the Present

In Mozambique, during a group prayer time, one guy was saying that we, Westerners have a hard time living in the present. We're always living in the past or the future, but not the present. So, he told us: this is maybe the only chance in a lifetime you will get to be here. Live in the present.

I thought that was interesting, because it is often true that I am not in the present. If I am bored, I think about the next most interesting thing I will do, such as eat lunch or what I will do after work.  Even when I'm not living in the future, I am still not really engaged. I'm "living in the present" sort of, but I'm not absorbing what's going on around me and my heart is not engaged. This usually happens when I'm in a new place and I don't know anyone, or I'm with people I don't know super well. Or, even if I know them, but I don't really love them that much, I'm just not really engaged.

I'm at this 3 week Christian school thing with 100 other students of all ages, and the first week was so hard. I never thought I would struggle with being some place by myself, because I've done that so many times, for college, for work, for grad school, for internships, for other christian camps, for missions trips. I've gone to many place by myself. But it's harder now. I'm even more introverted than before, and it's hard to make myself get to know people that I will only talk to twice in my lifetime and then never see again after a week. Especially when there are 100 people. I would much rather prefer 5 people, but even then, I won't talk to people unless they talk to me first

One extroverted girl was saying how because she is extroverted she really needs people, and she's glad she's living in the convent with all of us. I said: "introverted people need people too. They just don't initiate conversations".  --what I really was talking about was myself. I really need people, but I never show it and I never initiate. Even with my own friends, even close friends, I rarely initiate hanging out. But I actually really love hanging out (and I usually always have time in my schedule since I never initiate and always under-sign-up for events).

So anyway, long story short, it took me 1.5 to 2 weeks to finally open up and get to know a few people, and there's only one more week left. I thought I would leave this school not knowing anyone, but I guess I was wrong.