Baby life

Had a baby 5 months ago

what used to make me feel happy and content, like I have a full life, doesn’t make me that happy anymore. I still enjoy it but just not as much as I used to. 

Like it’s still nice to socialize and hang out with friends but it doesn’t feel as good as before baby. Maybe because I know at the end of the day/ hangout, I need to go back to baby life. maybe I feel like I need to get stuff done and therefore it’s hard to enjoy the break— similar to if you had a big test on Monday, it’s hard to go out and really enjoy your weekend if you know you should be studying. Except with baby life, you kind of have a test every day.

I wonder if different things make me feel alive now, or if it’s just that tiredness and needing to do a lot of stuff weighs me down

Recency Bias

Does recency bias conflict with a feeling of security and stableness/faithfulness because it feels like you have to continue to maintain whatever it is and can't rely on past success? 

Maybe recency bias also suggests / reminds us that humans forget things over time, and that bothers us because if things are always forgotten over time, then what was the point? Just don't do anything until the end. (sounds like the right formula for performance reviews at work... jk)

Even in marriage where there is a permanent commitment, there is recency bias in terms of how you currently feel about the other person even if the commitment doesn't change. But also, the recency bias is combined with lots of past joys and hurts and memories; it just happens that the recent stuff may (or may not) take a greater weight in contributing to the overall feeling towards the person. 

Recency bias seems to be a fact of life. At work, in all your relationships, and even spiritually. It seems a little tiring psychologically because you need to keep putting in effort. It's not like Calvinism (once saved always saved). But usually people enjoy putting in effort for stuff and people they like, so it's not that exhausting.

I have also heard people say that once you build up a spiritual foundation, even if you are busy for a few years or whatever, you still have that foundation that you rely on, that you once put in the hours and time and the heart and the pursuit for. I believe that also applies to all other relationships. You always put in more effort in the beginning, and when times are rough and time is scarce, your relationships can still sustain with that past effort.  

Career

 I never considered myself career-oriented or ambitious. I just want to make money and live in a place with a lot of Asian Americans (and have a close-knit community that truly knows me and loves me). 

But actually I realized that career-related achievements impact me pretty emotionally. Some of my strongest feelings of elated-ness are when I have achieved something academically, or career-wise, although I do tend to attribute a fair amount of my success to "luck" (or God's favor/leading) because even though I may have done well, there were a lot of things that led me to do well that are not in my control (i.e. maybe I was given a great opportunity)

As I reflected on that the past few days, I realized that career actually is pretty important to me. 

One, because I feel so elated when I 'achieve' something career-wise, (i.e. when people value/respect me at work or when other companies want me, etc. ). "Achieve" is in quotations because I actually don't focus on the achievement and the impact to humanity/my company/the industry as much as I focus on myself and how much others value and respect me. Paying me more and giving me a good raise is a practical and real way of showing me you (as a company / my manager) value me. So it's really about me... lol. I want to be respected.

Two, career is important to me because I'm a woman and I like earning money. Again, it's about feeling important. No one has directly said sexist comments to my face about women who excel in their careers but I can feel societal and cultural unspoken expectations. It really makes me mad (angry to tears) when I think about how people often celebrate when men/husbands get promotions and excel in their careers, but when women/wives/mothers excel, they are wary of whether she is taking proper care of her family or neglecting the family. (<--This may be more of an imagined situation because I've never actually seen that happen.) But at the same time, I don't want to be the type of mother who is not present for her kids, just as I wouldn't want a father who is not present, who pursues career over family. So, for this reason, I am pretty careful not to be overly ambitious in my career, because I value family and people over career. 

But deep inside, I do care about career, because I want to be valued and respected in what I do. 

I think everyone wants to be valued and respected, and they can get that from many areas of their life, not just from career. It's just that career is often more controllable/easier (or standardized  / systematic, in that there is a specified path to getting promoted / achieving), whereas in your family life, at Church, among your community, etc. you can't control how people feel about you, you can't make your kids like you, and there is not a straight shot formula to making yourself a great person / friend / mom / wife; there are so many facets. 

Of course I know it's not good to put your identity in career or anything other than God. But it's very easy to put our identity in different areas of our lives. If one area of our life isn't going well, we start putting our energy into other areas of our lives, so we can feel valued/good from the other areas instead. 

But at the end of the day, I do remember that nothing is possible without God. And I also miss God, as in I long for Him. Here I am, on vacation in Taiwan. I got a job offer a couple days ago. But I miss God and I long to be in His presence, as in the thick glorious presence of God. I just long for depth. And there is a depth only God can satisfy. A deep intimate longing in my heart. Sometimes, some people can go deep with me, and it's nice to have deep friendships, but only God can truly satisfy my entire need for depth. But it is nice to have deep friendships with others who also have this longing in their heart.

Family culture

Despite how different my brother and I are, more and more I can see that we have some similarities. We love people. We have the same gifting of bringing people together and creating a family culture. And it comes from my parents. 

This trip to NJ was like a dream come true. My husband could see the beauty of my family fully, and how my family has been a home for others, and how all of my brother's friends are family too. There are always a bunch of his friends at our house. They all live a short distance away -- a few of them even walking distance. Jon got to fully experience my family culture. And we got to participate in it together, encouraging the NJ clan in the triathlon, playing games with them, hanging out, etc. 

Our home is like a community center, esp when my brother is at home. Everyone just comes over, and it's super lively. 

I know I can't expect community to always feel like what I felt this past week, especially as people grow busy with life/work and "their own family", and as people live farther apart, and as the Church grows bigger. 

But regardless, it's the dream. It's my dream to have family wherever I go and to create family wherever I go. Your problems are my problems. And your victories are my victories. 

Marriage

 I know I've only been married 9 months, but so far, I would say marriage is a lot better than I expected. I thought I would get bored eating every meal, because it's so routine and boring. But it's not that big of a deal; it becomes a part of life -- cooking and eating together. I thought I would get bored doing the same things all the time, or trying to do everything together. But it turns out, I still have my individuality. We can do things independently too. We have a nice balance of doing things together and doing things apart. And it's nice to have the stability and security of always having someone be apart of almost everything.

And it's nice to be silly with (or to eye roll at) each other. Even though we see each other's weaknesses, we don't really mind. You be you, and I'll be me. And hopefully we become better over time.

Of course, all this will probably change when we have kids. But I'm probably wrong about kids too. I probably wrongly think they will take my life and individuality away. That I'll be a professional chauffeur, driving them to piano and swimming and whatever else lessons. Everything becomes about them, and I'll have no identity. And then when I try to make friends with other moms, all they'll want to talk about is their kids. Can we just talk about what God is doing in your life? Can you just talk about how you're feeling? Can we just cry together and be vulnerable with each other? 

Actually, I think that won't happen. Someone reminded me that our generation is different. We still keep our identities even when we become moms. And the other factor I missed is that you'll love your kids so much, you won't mind talking about them all the time. A common thing I hear from moms is that they go on "vacation" away from their kids, and then they start to miss their kid right away. But that was the whole point of the "vacation away from kids"..... Or the couple goes on a date while their parents/friends watch their kids, and the couple just ends up missing their baby or talking about the baby on the date... When I hear those stories, I just can't imagine myself feeling the same way. But that's probably because I'm not a mom. 

I really like science experiments and psychological observations (and forming bad theories out of them). So maybe having a kid will just give me more material for my theories and experiments. 

Intimacy of the Mind

Someone said something to me this week that stood out: 

They told me to meditate on God's word because then you will know His thoughts and how He thinks; it is a form of intimacy - intimacy of the mind. 

Of course I have always known it is good to meditate on God's word, but I never thought about it as "intimacy of the mind". That stuck out to me, firstly because I love intimacy and the feeling of vulnerability, and second because sometimes I spend a lot of time replaying social situations and words people say to me. Sometimes for my own sake, for processing or whatever. But sometimes to help me empathize with them and try to understand how they think and feel and act. It is always a great feeling to be able to know how a friend thinks and feels. How much greater if you can think the way God thinks? 

I guess it's a little weird but sometimes I learn to love God by thinking about how I love my friends. The bible mentions it too -  "for whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen". Perhaps it is easier to love those you can see, because they are more tangible, and more understandable. Of course, we can love at all because God loved us first. And of course, we prioritize loving God first, before loving people, but honestly they come hand in hand; you cannot separate a love for God and a love for His people. 

Vulnerability

 Someone once asked how I can feel so comfortable with intimacy. I do like intimacy. I like depth, I like looking into people's eyes. I like crying and seeing people cry. I like vulnerable people. And I like the feeling of being vulnerable. 

But this type of feeling goes away when you are close to someone long term. Like a family member or spouse. After a while you just feel safe and comfortable with them. You don't "feel vulnerable" even though you are being vulnerable. But I like feeling of "feeling vulnerable" and naked. 

I realized that I can always get that "feeling of vulnerability" with God. As I go deeper with Him, He just manages to strip away even more of the onion that I didn't know existed. And I'm always surprised how much deeper there still is to go. He touches the parts of my heart that have never been touched by anyone else. He can go where no human can go. Maybe I am addicted to God. Addicted to going deeper. 

Actually, perhaps it's not even a "feeling of vulnerability", it's just His presence. Going deeper into His presence. He is so holy that you just feel more and more naked as you go closer. 

Friendship

 In life group, the discussion leader asked us to think about a time when a close friend helped us through difficult times. Immediately tears flooded my eyes and I started tearing. 

It wasn't even a specific incident, but many times. I thought of all the dark times I've been through, and how people and God have always been with me through those things. 

 I had a mutual best friend in 2nd grade through the rest of elementary school. We confessed to each other that we were the other's best friend. And in very Jamie fashion, I didn't confess first. To this day, I remember this conversation. 

Charlene: "Guess who my best friend is?" 

Of course, I'm not dumb. Anyone who is asking me that must be talking about me. But I'm also modest. So of course I'm like "Cindy?" -  just named someone else. "Nope. Guess again". That's how the confession went. Actually I'm not sure if I ever confessed back to her. I only remember that she confessed to me. 

Friendship is really interesting. Deep, deep friendship is always something I've wanted -- ever since puberty. Close friendship has always been one of my top dreams. It is a dream I have attained but still continue to pursue, including my friendship with Jesus. 

Recently, I've been more in sync with God, and it makes me so happy. I don't want to lose it. 

Grateful

 "His kindness draws us to repentance"

I felt this kind of gratefulness today. Something really positive happened. It's technically not a big deal; anyone on the outside would have just been like "that's awesome" and really happy and that's it. But, I was pretty shocked and speechless and grateful, all at the same time. For me, it was especially meaningful; it was redemptive. 

I felt like I didn't deserve it, but also at the same time I felt like I did deserve it.

Or rather, I felt like I deserved it, but I couldn't believe I was actually receiving what I deserve, rather than receiving less than I deserve, because of the reality of the way things work. 

Anyway, it was a complex emotion. 

For someone who pretends not to care about work, I guess I care about work a great deal. 

Recently, I had a realization that sometimes asking people about their work is a way of showing you care about them. People spend 40 or more hours working per week. Regardless of whether or not they love their job, they spend a significant portion of their life doing it. So, it makes sense, as someone who loves and cares about them, to want to know what they spend a significant portion of their life doing. I know that usually people give brief answers when asked what they do, because they assume no one is truly interested in what they do. Or that no one will respect or understand what they do. 

I realized that sometimes when I ask people about their work, and continue to dig deeper and ask more and more follow-up questions, people are pretty eager to talk about their work. 

In the past, I have done this more with guys. And occasionally, as a joke, I call it "ego stroking". I am stroking their ego by talking/asking about their work, and I am stroking my own ego because I am able to understand their work and have a fruitful conversation about work despite not being in their field. However, I recently realized that it is not (just) an ego-stroking activity. It is loving and respecting people and what they spend a significant portion of their lives doing. 

I had another theory recently, somewhat related. That guys play more video games now because work is boring and they need some place to be competitive. Work used to be more tiring and competitive, but now we have machines and corporations. In corporations, everything is streamlined so you get just one tiny piece of the puzzle to work on. Life is boring, so you need more work - aka video games. Anyways. just a random thought I had. We are made to work.

Soft Spot

One time I was explaining how I view two people differently even though they made the same error. For one of them, I just don't blame them or feel negatively towards them. I was really confused about it. Then someone told me: yeah, you have a soft spot for person X. 

Today I was thinking about that concept-- of having a soft spot for someone. They could commit the same offense as someone else but you just have a soft spot for them so they're forgiven more easily. 

If you were an authority figure over people, this "soft spot" for someone under you would be deemed favoritism, which has a more negative connotation compared to "soft spot"

Perhaps with friendships or peers, it's called "chemistry"/"vibes" or "loyalty"/"homies" or just affection / compassion. Some people you just vibe with or understand better, so you get why they would do what they do. "That's just who they are". Or you're more willing to hear them out. Basically, you just love them more. You just have a soft spot for them. The rules don't apply as harshly to them. 

I guess I really appreciate when people have a soft spot for me. I don't deserve the grace that they give me. 

But does God have a soft spot for me? 

Doesn't the bible say God disciplines those He loves? Yet it also says His kindness leads us to repentance. So, is there a season for discipline and a season for grace? Or is it that we always have both? Both makes more sense. I guess sometimes when people forgive you too hard, you almost feel bad, like it's discipline enough to feel bad. 

I think I don't feel bad as often as the average normal-Asian American Christian, but recently, I've felt bad a couple of times. So maybe that is discipline from God. 

Anyways. Soft spot. I like that word. God has a soft spot for me. 

Maxed out

 I heard someone share that they put in a lot of effort, and it was difficult time for them, but they "maxed out" their talents, in their pursuit of music. 

It reminded me that this is a common journey many people go through. When they're young, they wonder what they are "gifted" in. Everyone wants to be above average at what they do, career-wise. Everyone who is privileged enough to think that way at least

But the truth is that some people have many talents, and are above average in many areas, while others are below average at almost everything. Not everyone can be the best

I hit my max in college. I thought in high school, that if I just studied earlier and longer than everyone else, I could always get an A. But in college, I didn't have enough time and I just couldn't understand some of the theories. My brain capacity for the abstract stuff was just limited. I knew I hit my max. 

But after I got out of college, I realized that in the real world, I'm still above average. 

Everything is pretty relative. 

But being the best at something is less desirable to me, now that I'm 31.
It's about impact and influencing people. The goals have changed. Why? Maybe it's because people provide meaning, and I love people. My hobbies and things I like keep changing, but the fact that I like people never changes. Me loving God also doesn't change, for the most part... if I'm even allowed /qualified to say that. 

Loving and helping people and building relationships is the most rewarding thing. The second most rewarding thing is getting things done. So I focus not on "being the best" at something, but what feels the most rewarding. 

However, they are still interconnected. How can it feel rewarding if you're pretty terrible at something? 
but the cool thing about relationships is each person has a limited capacity, so even if someone else is "better" at relationships, they can't be friends with everyone at a meaningful depth. That means that I have the unique opportunity to influence those closest to me. Walmart can always expand and be everywhere, but people cannot clone and franchise themselves to be everywhere. A friend can only be a friend selectively. And not everyone can be 'family' to you. 

In summary, people and meaningful relationships make life worth living. At least this is my conclusion. And it is in no way mutually exclusive to pursuing being "the best" at something. I still, of course, like being excellent, relatively speaking. Otherwise I wouldn't make candles and ice cream, and I wouldn't blog. And there is a reason I don't ever post my singing on youtube lol. We all know the things we are above average at, and the things we are below average at.

Remembering

Today I was thinking: how can I explain my faith to someone? Do I even remember how I felt and all the things I went through?

On one hand, I have a terrible memory. On the other hand, I actually have a great memory for select things. 

How can I trust my memory to remember all that God has done for me?

I often replay sweet scenes in my head of times with God, of things friends have said to me, of affection, because I'm intentionally growing my affection. so I won't forget. I shouldn't say it's always intentional. Maybe it's just natural; it's my nature. 

Recently during worship, I'd remember all the times God was there for me. But as soon as worship is over, the mental visual of those scenes disappear and I forget. I tried writing / drawing the scenes afterwards but I just can't grasp the same essence and vividness that I can experience during worship. 

I want to go back to those places in my mind to actively remember. Yet at the same time, God is here and alive today too. And I want a fresh touch so real that the past experiences pale in comparison, that sharing my past testimonies almost seem irrelevant to my current testimonies. 

I've been thinking about my past testimonies -- things God did for me 6, 7, 9, 11 years ago. But honestly the memories are fading. I know what God did, but the stories are just words. I can't feel it. I don't get emotional when I tell the stories.

After the first several years of experiencing freedom from bondage, I wondered if I should continue to remember how terrible the bondage was, so that I could be grateful for what God has done for me. 

When the Israelites have reached the promised land, they should remember how painful the years of being in the desert were. Right? I think so. 

But at the same time, if you adopted an ex-slave, would you want your adopted child to keep those slave days so vivid in their memory, or would you want your child to just be happy and live freely and "forget" those days? 

How do we remember just enough to be grateful and to tell our stories? 
How can remembering help me grow my affection for God? 

If I could draw, I would draw the scenes that I see. The scenes from throughout my life when God was there for me. 

Beauty and Love

I'm not a super visual person so when I say "beauty", I'm not talking physical beauty. Physical beauty rarely evokes an emotional response in me. I do like physical beauty. Pretty flowers, nice haircuts, nice-looking people. Of course they're still nice to look at, but I don't feel overcome with this feeling of love and compassion and/or longing. 

My dad really loves the James Blunt song "Beautiful" because he claims every guy has experienced this, where they see the most beautiful person they've ever seen before, on some train or subway, and they know they'll never be with them. It sounds like these moments evoke an emotional response in these guys. Beauty becomes love at first sight. 

For me, I see beauty in people -- their personalities, their passions, the way they are, their weaknesses even. 

This past Sunday, the worship lead sang this song, and she went all out, poured her heart into the song. I just looked at her and cried because it was so beautiful. In that moment, I felt warmth and love and compassion fill my heart. And I thought to myself: I miss this. I miss seeing beauty all the time.

In college, I remember I would think everyone is so cute. People are so cute. I just loved the way they were. One time, my apartment-mate was explaining some kitchen/food stuff to me, and I just looked at her and thought it was so beautiful. The way she explained everything. So direct and concise and certain. 

I love crying, because I love having a soft heart. I hate when my heart has grown numb and existentially bored with life, all of which is a precursor to depression, the greatest pain of them all. Recently, slash my whole life, I have experienced bouts of this type of "boredom", which someone helped me relabel as "existential boredom" to be more specific. Maybe this is a gift that I've been born with--the fact that I can't be satisfied very easily. I need more. Give me Jesus. 

The Risk of Not Having Hobbies and Interests

 I realized recently that it actually feels pretty "insecure" to not have hobbies (that define you, that you can hold onto).

I'm most interested in people and doing things for people and making people happy and being around people I love. 

The problem with that is that you rely on others. And that makes me feel vulnerable. I just exist to make others happy?? What if others don't need you, don't want you? What about my own identity?

It makes it hard to answer things like: "What is your dream career? What are you interested in?"

Or when people tell you to "stop living for others" and to "do what you want to do". But what do I really want to do? What do I want? What do I even like? Who am I?

--

I'm kind of in a slump these days, at work and personal/spiritual life. I don't feel passionate about anything. I sort of feel like maybe I should change careers, but I don't know what I should change to. I'm unmotivated at work, and I can't figure out why. Is it because everything is remote, and I'm motivated by people interaction? (And by "people interaction" I really mean coworkers roasting each other and telling funny stories of their moms or whatever)

As much as I hated globalfoundries, I remember it was fun, and I was motivated (at least the first two years). Everyone was a fresh grad from college or grad school. We would roast each other at work, gossip about stuff, eat lunch together, get angry at "stupid" people at work. Fun times. But how much of that fun is about the people and not the work? I don't know. 

That warm feeling

 It's really nice when someone believes in you. Usually when people think of someone believing in them, they think of someone who believes in what they are able to do.

But I care more about who I am, versus what I can do. 

Therefore, it's much more touching when someone believes in who I am

One time someone told me a secret and said I trust you. And I told her: I don't know if I deserve your trust, because I have not been perfect at keeping secrets. Then I named a recent time when I messed up. But she said: I still trust you. 

For some reason, I thought about this while driving today, and it brought me to tears. It's really nice when people believe in you and trust you, and trust your intentions. even though you aren't perfect. 

--

Yesterday, Jon had surgery to put in screws since he broke his wrist playing softball. Due to bad communication from the doctor /nurses, and things taking longer than expected, I ended up waiting outside the hospital in my car for almost 7 hours (I could have gone home if I knew it would take so long). Anyways, it's not a big deal for me since I had people to text while I was in my car, and I listened to music. I'm pretty good at doing nothing, like when I go on long plane rides, I prefer to spend time in my own thoughts and sleep, versus watching movies. So, it really wasn't a big deal. But everyone started feeling bad for me (and Jon), especially since our life groups had a joint event at his house, that we thought we would make, but ended up missing. 

When we finally came home at midnight, a few people were still there waiting for us. They really didn't have to wait for us, but it was so nice to see them. It was so, so nice. 

I always get made fun of for using really lame adjectives like "great", "nice", "good", but I hope you can really feel the depth of how nice it was. That warm feeling that people love you, believe in you, and are always there for you.  

Super busy

I've been super busy the past few weeks: the NJ reception/engagement party, work (new team that is super busy), trying to remodel the townhouse in 3 weeks (hardwood floor, walls, closets, entire bathroom, recess lights, blinds, etc.), and buying furniture, while still doing the normal Church stuff (which is the most enjoyable and least busy haha). 

But yeah wow, I haven't felt busy in a long time. In the past few weeks or longer, I've felt zero boredom. There is so much to do and juggle that I'm not bored at all. That's a pretty rare statement for me. And it's great. I hate feeling emotionally bored. 

However, on the flip side, I hate feeling shallow. The busyness had cut into my emotional capacity and ability to process deeply about how I am doing and what my deep thoughts/feelings are. 

I also realized that I have a low-tolerance threshold when it comes to work. I complain about having to work a lot and needing to eat lunch during meetings (if I have time to eat at all). But if I objectively think about it, I'm not working THAT much. Last week was one of the peak weeks of the quarter and I worked 54 hours, but prior weeks were less. Maybe it's just that, before this team, I probably worked way less than 40 hours a week, so it's definitely an adjustment, both the hours and the pace. 

I think I have higher tolerance for Church stuff and personal life stuff. Perhaps I have entitlement syndrome for work because it's more transactional and less loyalty-based... "I deserve better", "I can get a better job", but you can't say or think that in your personal life; the people in your personal life--friends, family, etc-- are permanent; you're forced to work through issues. But yeah, I think God is growing my tolerance at work too, and teaching me to work through issues, to change culture, to stand up for what I think is right, and fight for change. Basically, take ownership instead of always thinking of bouncing when things aren't the best. Be a leader, essentially. 

Transition

I force myself to write at least 1 blog post every month, so I'm nearing my deadline here. 

I'm not always as deep as my blog posts tend to be. If you catch me sharing about my week at life group, I'll most likely tell you what I did rather than how I am doing. Even when (or if) my closest friends ask me how I'm doing, I may not always be able to provide a deep satisfying response. As in satisfying to me. I get disappointed in myself if I'm not going deep. And I feel like I owe something deep and something genuine to people. But I'm not always able to access that quickly.  I have a strong desire for connection and intimacy, which I feel are facilitated by depth. 

Lately, I've been sensing transition. I'm getting married soon. I transitioned to a new team at work (that works longer hours). My friends are busier (and so am I). I've been ramping up on some hobbies. Church is opening, and we all have to wake up early to drive there. Overall, I feel like I should be grieving because I am spending less time with my closer friends, compared to several months ago. But I'm not grieving, and I'm a little confused. Probably because I know it's time. It's time to transition to post-covid life. It's time to sleep early and wake up early. It's time to be focused and run. I'm excited for what God has in store for me, for us.

So what's next?
A continual pursuit of depth. I realize more and more that what I am looking for, can only be found in God. The mystery and the depth. The eye contact that reaches the soul and the physical touch that warms the heart. Nothing can replace an encounter with God, and being continually in an intimate relationship with Him. But I do think that the more we give to others, the more God gives to us. Like I remember in the past, sometimes I'm tired and don't even feel like loving others, but as soon as I see them, they are able to pull it out of me. God gives us more, when we need more. God partners with us. And I do believe the more we give, the more we receive... as a principle of stewardship. Basically, to sum it up: a pursuit of God and others.

Also, I like this music video. Not for the lyrics or even the singing, but for the heart. It's so pure. 

Birthday Wish

You know how people tell you to "make a wish" before blowing out your candle(s)? I was thinking: well, who am I "making a wish" to? I guess that would be God. But then, I can ask God for anything any time. So then why is a birthday wish meaningful? 

Throwing out my bad fake logic from above, I still think it can be meaningful and that God cares about my "birthday wish". I guess it's like a tradition, or a check-in point for people, to evaluate what they really want, on their birthday. 

What do I really want for my birthday, from God? My immediate thoughts went to either other people's healing (please heal XYZ people emotionally), or to mend relational tensions, because often it's easy to just want God to hurry up and "fix it" -- whatever "it" is. But sometimes God wants to grow us by making us do the work, or having us partner with Him to "fix" it. And sometimes God doesn't just magically fix things instantly, but He has a plan.

So I scrapped those ideas and searched deeper in my heart. My deepest desire is to be able to love God more. To be able to really love God with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul, and all my strength. And also to really genuinely love others. 

I know it sounds so cliche, like I'm just reciting some sunday school answer, but it's so real to me that I can tear up and cry just thinking about how much I long to be able to love God more. Not that crying is the standard for genuine feeling, but this is truly my strongest desire in life. To love God with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul and all my strength. I don't even need to mention loving people, because you can't love God without loving those whom God loves. And my only desire there would be that I can love people the way God loves me. I am so loved. 

I Know I'll Never Love This Way Again

I'll Never Love This Way Again - super old song by Dionne Warwick

I don't know many songs but for some reason I know this random old song. It's on my melancholic playlist

I was listening to the song with the lyrics again today, and I didn't realize how "mature" the lyrics actually are. Especially the second verse: 

A fool will lose tomorrow, reaching back for yesterday

I won't turn my head in sorrow, if you should go away

I'll stand here and remember, just how good it's been

And I know I'll never love this way again

Except, I'd like to change the conclusion from "I know I'll never love this way again" to: "I hope I'll always love this way, again and again" -- that each person I meet and love, only increases my capacity to love, in a deeper and better way. 

I understand the sentiment that "I'll never love this way again" is because you want to reserve special affection towards someone, and there couldn't possibly be anyone the same; there couldn't possibly be anyone who could replace that person, the memories and the affection. But I see love as bigger than that. Love permanently changes you. If that love was so significant and made such a positive impact on you, then it should have made you better, given you strength to carry that forward and view life in a positive hopeful way. 

But yea, of course, there is a time for grieving. 

Many people have experienced grieving over the loss of their college days. One of the memorable times for me was in 2016, when I was in Indiana, a college friend texted me a photo of one of my close college friends being very her. Someone was hugging her and she was like rolling her eyes. Seeing the picture brought me to tears while I was in the Walmart parking lot. I knew that even if I found a job in CA, that it would never be the same again. That was when I felt like I fully grieved for the loss of college days.

In 2013, in upstate NY, a bunch of my co-workers (who were also friends) were hanging out at someone's apartment, having a really great time. There was a snow storm outside; we were all sitting on the carpet joking around. Afterwards, I saw one of my coworker's blog posts--this was my college friend also, and the person I was closest to at work, who was about to leave the company soon. She titled the post "Half Pain Half Joy". She writes: "I will remember this day. The beginning is defined to be indefinite, but I only want this all to end. Is it years of nostalgia that will follow?" It was so well-worded and memorable that I still remember her post 8 years later. 

A few weeks ago, Church people asked if they could schedule a meeting on my birthday, and I was like "yea, it's fine. Every day is my birthday". I really meant that. I do feel like every day is my birthday. The past 8 months, I have been able to hang out quite often with my 'social bubble' aka closest friends. There were a few months that I hung out so much that it felt like college again. or a retreat. It was beyond amazing.

But I know COVID is almost over. Traffic / rush hour is returning. People are going to go back to Church in-person, and work in-person; I can't sleep late anymore; I can't take naps in-between meetings. I can't play with my friends as much anymore. Life will resume. It'll be hard to adjust. But it'll be a healthy adjustment. This year was like a giant retreat -- really healing, a lot of friendships, a lot of love. But it's time to adjust to new changes ahead. A new season as the charismatics like to call it. I did write about some of my COVID takeaways in the Ignite women's blog

Validation for your pain

I was asked to write a blog post for our women's ministry's blog. Usually people write about something God helped them through. 

After reading my draft, I felt like it was just focused on my past pain; it felt like I was showing off my pain, like: "hey everyone, look at my pain; look at the hard stuff I've been through". But of course it's really subtle. And I know there is a valid reason to describing the details of your pain, because maybe someone else will relate and gain something from it. But, I realized that perhaps my desire and intention was to show off all that I've been through. 

I think it is natural to want your pain to be validated. There is something in us that feels that the pain was unjust. Why did we have to go through that? Another part in wanting validation is wanting respect and understanding.  I really like a quote by Katie Luse :

"Emotional pain doesn't like to be pushed. It needs to be validated, then healed. People are the way that they are for a reason. And it's not generally because I want to be an angry person with rage.. but I somehow got there,.. and so validating that you are the way that you are for a reason..."

"Sometimes honor is all that people need to heal. Sometimes all that people need to hear from you is that your pain matters to God"

I get that there are different steps to healing. The thing is that I'm actually over needing validation. That stage has long past, but I'm still used to presenting my past pain in a way that seeks validation, and perhaps it's like: well, it couldn't hurt to get even more validation even though I'm past that. Who doesn't want more respect and understanding from man? (when we should really be seeking that from God)

There definitely is a balance. Some people are constantly seeking sympathy and validation from people. It seems like it's never-ending. Someone should come up with the 5 stages of getting over emotional pain, similar to the 5 stages of grief. One of the stages should be validation. Now, I'm in the "joy" stage, perhaps the last stage or the step after the last stage. 

 Also, I really like this song by Greg coles, author of "Single, Gay, Christian" (which, btw, is a very good book). Speaking of pain and respect, I respect this guy for walking through the pain he went through, and still choosing Jesus. His book is very well-written; I highly recommend it.