I'm not a super visual person so when I say "beauty", I'm not talking physical beauty. Physical beauty rarely evokes an emotional response in me. I do like physical beauty. Pretty flowers, nice haircuts, nice-looking people. Of course they're still nice to look at, but I don't feel overcome with this feeling of love and compassion and/or longing.
My dad really loves the James Blunt song "Beautiful" because he claims every guy has experienced this, where they see the most beautiful person they've ever seen before, on some train or subway, and they know they'll never be with them. It sounds like these moments evoke an emotional response in these guys. Beauty becomes love at first sight.
For me, I see beauty in people -- their personalities, their passions, the way they are, their weaknesses even.
This past Sunday, the worship lead sang this song, and she went all out, poured her heart into the song. I just looked at her and cried because it was so beautiful. In that moment, I felt warmth and love and compassion fill my heart. And I thought to myself: I miss this. I miss seeing beauty all the time.
In college, I remember I would think everyone is so cute. People are so cute. I just loved the way they were. One time, my apartment-mate was explaining some kitchen/food stuff to me, and I just looked at her and thought it was so beautiful. The way she explained everything. So direct and concise and certain.
I love crying, because I love having a soft heart. I hate when my heart has grown numb and existentially bored with life, all of which is a precursor to depression, the greatest pain of them all. Recently, slash my whole life, I have experienced bouts of this type of "boredom", which someone helped me relabel as "existential boredom" to be more specific. Maybe this is a gift that I've been born with--the fact that I can't be satisfied very easily. I need more. Give me Jesus.
