The gap period

I think I'm finally past the honeymoon period of my new job, though my job is still probably more exciting or at least equally exciting as my weekends. I was kind of hoping that the honeymoon period would cover the amount of time it would take me to become close to my Church community so that there wouldn't be this boring (or lonely) gap. but sadly, as I predicted, getting close to people takes time. It can be accelerated by taking more initiative, but only by so much.

In this gap period is often when I get tested the most. It's easy to fall back to old unhealthy patterns of spending your time. It's also hard to be motivated to get close to God without having a close community or something else exciting going on in life. When work was exciting, I was just so thankful for my job. My view of life was exciting. I'd wake up and be like, life is awesome. The hidden words after that were: because work is awesome. Work actually helped me to see God in a brighter light. Because I saw hope at work, I also saw hope in my spiritual life and other aspects of life. Each area of my life influences the other areas of my life. I'm supposed to derive my source of joy and hope from God, and have that influence work and other areas of life, but sometimes, without realizing it, it's actually happening the other way around.

That's why these gap periods are good tests, allowing me to see my real state. What I really need is to be able to see more clearly the hope I have in Christ and that He has really amazing plans for me, and a destiny and calling beyond what I can imagine.

It's easy to think the solution is just to get a boyfriend, but there's a honeymoon period for that too. Jesus is the only way to make life truly exciting and full of hope.

Aligned to God's org

Just like the Centurion in Matthew 8, who understood the authority of Jesus through his job, I'm starting to understand more of God's Kingdom through my job.

I work in Sales Operations Finance, and my role as the North America sales forecasting lead, in some companies is actually in the sales organization, rather than the finance organization. However, at my company, we believe that finance can only be truly independent and unbiased if they are aligned to finance instead of the business, which in this case is sales. Therefore, even though I work very closely with sales, I still report to Finance and am in the finance org.

And this week, I realized that it's the same in God's Kingdom. Because I'm a Christian, I'm aligned to God's org. I do have to interact and work with people on Earth on a day-to-day basis, some of whom are not aligned to God's org, but ultimately, at the end of the day, I report to God. He's my manager. My goals are aligned to the goals of God's Kingdom.

It's kind of like how I interact with sales people a lot, and I'm the business partner to the North America Sales VP, and I do need to work closely with them, but my heart is with Finance, because my performance review comes from Finance. At the end of the day, I listen to what Finance wants, not what Sales wants. So, the mentality is: be close to them so you can be a good business partner to them, and influence them towards finance's goals, but remember your allegiance is with finance, not sales.

I thought about this because I made a spiritual mistake or compromise this week where I let fear of man get to me. Sometimes my default action is to do or say whatever pleases people and will make them happy. It's hard to react on the spot in tricky situations, to do what would please God. But then I remembered that it's my mindset. I have to remember who I am, that I'm in God's org and my goals are the goals of the Kingdom of God. I should be unbiased in favor of God's viewpoint. And the more 1:1s I have with Him, the more I understand His heart and my role in his org/Kingdom.

Also, just like how our manager's passion and optimism affects us, God should affect us too. Fortunately, He is never changing, and He is hope and love. so, since God is always in a good mood, we should too, be always full of hope. Hope and hopelessness are both contagious, and we should be contagious with hope.

God is my manager

I love my job. It's only been a month, but I love it so far. It's everything I loved in a job that I realized over the past 2 companies that I've worked for. It's tactical; it's fast-paced; it's relational; it's broad in scope. And on top of that, I have an awesome manager, who spends time with me. Because love is spelled T-I-M-E.

Last last Friday in worship, I felt God say to me that He is my manager. Even though I love my manager at work, God says to me that He is my manager. And He's even greater than anyone I can imagine. He always has time for me. He says we can have 1:1s any time. He always wants the best for me, and believes in my growth. He is my encourager. I can share anything, personal or professional with Him. I can update Him on my life and tell Him of any help needs, because He is powerful and has all authority. He makes things happen, according to His good and perfect will. And His will includes me, because He loves me more than I know. He knows me. He is familiar with all of my ways. Before I tell Him something, He already knows. But He loves to hear it from me anyway, because He loves hearing me talk to Him and spend time with Him.

God is so amazing. This revelation is so amazing.

Honestly, I thought I was going to have a terrible manager, coming here. Part of that was my first impression on the phone with her, and part of that was that I've always had amazing managers and I thought in my heart that I'm due for a bad manager. And part of me thought that maybe God wants to train me and test me through a bad manager. But I stand amazed. And I was mistaken. God has a plan for us. Sometimes we think He just wants to teach us a lesson or train us like an Army commander or something. But God is so much better than that. His plans for us go deep. They're deep and sophisticated and well-planned out. and we have no idea. no idea how good He is. We don't even know.

Value

My value is not based on my knowledge, my experiences, what I can provide, how I can help, how I can make people happy or pleased with me, how much i can impress people, how much of a role I play in transforming people's lives, how wise or mature or humble i am,  how likeable or appropriate acting I am.

It's hard though, especially with new friends, new communities, and a new working environment. With old friends, they already decided to like you, to be your friend. You have memories that won't go away. With new people and new environments, it's always like I'm trying to earn more love and make myself more valuable. How can my skills and diligence and previous working experience and my EQ help make me valuable here in this working environment? How can my deep sharing and vulnerability and mysteriousness and care for others and eye contact  help make others (who already have friends) want to care about me and make me their friend?

Without a kingdom of God mindset, all we focus on is our insecurity and trying to satisfy the never ending hole. But we forget that we have already won. God is pleased with us. We are accepted by God. We have won. Our battle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the forces of evil in the spiritual realm (Eph6:12). So let's not fight the wrong battle here in this short short while that we are in earth.

Moving to California

Part of me is excited to be moving to a new place. Excited to buy a mattress, towels, trash cans and stuff like that. Excited to take my mom to eat fen yuan, and to visit Churches with her on Sunday. Not as excited about starting a new job in a new field because I'm scared I won't be as good as I was in my previous job/field. Not super excited about all the awkward introductions and my super shyness and not knowing how to make conversation with new people at work and outside of work. I haven't talked to new people in so long that I probably suck at it now.

I feel a bit sad leaving my family, especially my brother who is still in high school. Not so much that I'll miss him or that he'll miss me, but more scared that he might not turn out as good without me there helping to explain life and emotions to him, and to mediate between him and my mom. I'm worried about his maturity, his emotional health, and his belief in and relationship with God. But I also trust my mom and dad to take care of him. And I'm trying to trust God. To let go. I'm not his mom anyway. Time to worry about myself and live my own life ?

Part of me is also excited to be farther from the worries of my brother and my family, and my family friends' issues. I still want to know what's going on, but because of the distance, I won't be as preoccupied with their stuff. It won't stress me out as greatly, and I can be a part of a new community in CA.

It feels like I'm letting go of a piece of my life that I really love, and starting something of my own. It takes a while to really get to know a community and enjoy their presence. Maybe as little as a few months, but probably more like half a year to a year. In the meantime, I look forward to enjoying God's presence, God himself and turning my affections and thoughts toward Him. Perhaps getting more into painting in my alone time.

Pretty proud of my first painting, especially since I have basically no artistic talent. To be fair though, I found the picture online, so it wasn't my idea, like I wasn't painting from an image in my mind that I created. That's the goal though, in the future.

Emotional healing

I was re-listening to a teaching on emotional healing and I can't get these quotes out of my head; they're so good.

"Emotional pain doesn't like to be pushed. It needs to be validated, then healed. People are the way that they are for a reason. And it's not generally because I want to be an angry person with rage.. but I somehow got there,.. and so validating that you are the way that you are for a reason..."

"Sometimes honor is all that people need to heal. Sometimes all that people need to hear from you is that your pain matters to God"

The Awkward Vacation

Maybe awkward isn't the right word. Perhaps I just mean a vacation you don't want even though you are supposed to want it. Or maybe I mean: a vacation at the wrong time.

I just finished Global Awakening's 3 week summer intensive school. I was so inspired/encouraged by seeing all these people who love God so much, and who love people. People who initiate loving other people. I was talking to a friend from NJ and I was joking with her, saying that all these people in the 3 week school are targeting me because I look unhappy. I was like: one day this woman just came up to me and gave me a one minute hug and told me I was God's jewel. (It was literally one minute because I tried to release the hug multiple times thinking it was over, but it wasn't; after a while, I was okay I guess I'll just hold on. lol). There were so many others who just leaked the love of Jesus, and so many who went out of their way to say hello to me and greet me even though I didn't do that for them. These people are great. It's so amazing when you meet people who are so willing to love on you and pour into you, even though you may never see them again after these 3 weeks.

Tomorrow I'm going to Shanghai, then Taiwan, for vacation and relatives-visiting. But my heart is not really in the mood for vacation. I'm just so in love with Jesus right now, and I honestly just want to spend more time with Him, to learn to hear His voice more clearly, to spend time soaking in His presence. I know God is with me even on the vacation. But it feels weird. Like I'm supposed to want to go to Asia to eat good food, but I don't even care about food that much right now. I have very little appetite. It's seriously just like being in love. I just want to keep this forever. I never want the honeymoon phase to be over. And I know it's possible because I've met people these past few weeks who live like this every day. Most of them are in or have gone to the full time school. I'm putting that in the back of my mind, saving it for later. Perhaps one day, I'll come.

Living in the Present

In Mozambique, during a group prayer time, one guy was saying that we, Westerners have a hard time living in the present. We're always living in the past or the future, but not the present. So, he told us: this is maybe the only chance in a lifetime you will get to be here. Live in the present.

I thought that was interesting, because it is often true that I am not in the present. If I am bored, I think about the next most interesting thing I will do, such as eat lunch or what I will do after work.  Even when I'm not living in the future, I am still not really engaged. I'm "living in the present" sort of, but I'm not absorbing what's going on around me and my heart is not engaged. This usually happens when I'm in a new place and I don't know anyone, or I'm with people I don't know super well. Or, even if I know them, but I don't really love them that much, I'm just not really engaged.

I'm at this 3 week Christian school thing with 100 other students of all ages, and the first week was so hard. I never thought I would struggle with being some place by myself, because I've done that so many times, for college, for work, for grad school, for internships, for other christian camps, for missions trips. I've gone to many place by myself. But it's harder now. I'm even more introverted than before, and it's hard to make myself get to know people that I will only talk to twice in my lifetime and then never see again after a week. Especially when there are 100 people. I would much rather prefer 5 people, but even then, I won't talk to people unless they talk to me first

One extroverted girl was saying how because she is extroverted she really needs people, and she's glad she's living in the convent with all of us. I said: "introverted people need people too. They just don't initiate conversations".  --what I really was talking about was myself. I really need people, but I never show it and I never initiate. Even with my own friends, even close friends, I rarely initiate hanging out. But I actually really love hanging out (and I usually always have time in my schedule since I never initiate and always under-sign-up for events).

So anyway, long story short, it took me 1.5 to 2 weeks to finally open up and get to know a few people, and there's only one more week left. I thought I would leave this school not knowing anyone, but I guess I was wrong.

Friendship and leaving.

Finally, today it hit me. The sadness. The nostalgia before leaving a place. The feeling that people are so beautiful. Their humor, the way they laugh, the way they think, the things they like and enjoy, the way a group of friends enjoy or tease each other and laugh and spend time together. It's so beautiful, so heart-warming. I missed this. I thought I wouldn't have friends that I'd really miss here, but I do.

The theme of the last semester/year has been: friendship. God has showed me what friendship looks like again. It's been a while since I felt that people were so beautiful. I have a handful of MBA friends, a handful of Church friends and a suite-mate I'll really miss. Maybe miss isn't the right word/feeling. It's a feeling of great warmth when I think about them and who they are.

I used to be so concerned with keeping up with people, and yes I think it is still important--even simple short sweet emails or texts or something. But it's not that big of a deal. Friends are always friends forever, as in you'll be glad to see each other whenever you do. And local friends will always be the ones who have the weight of responsibility of helping you out when you need a physical presence. Family and special friends might cross the boundaries of distance, but that's how I generally see it now.

I remember in high school, I was pretty cynical about the concept of "leaving", and felt that when one person moves away, there is always one party that "forgets" the other party first and moves on more quickly. And I perceived myself as the party that generally moves on slower or has greater 'depth of affection' or whatever, but I think I was just being overly dramatic. My heart has grown stronger since high school and more mature.

Well, there's still 8-9 days left, so I plan to enjoy it as much as possible. And for the record, God is the most beautiful. Everything that I experience now makes me love Him all the more--it's amazing how each person is so different and still so beautiful. Even with all our hurts and brokenness, I can see the beauty.

Beautiful basketball story

This past Saturday, I watched Michigan's WNIT (basketball) finals. We won after going overtime 3 times. During the last quarter, we were down 64-67 with only less than 20 seconds. Coach called time out. I knew they were planning how to set up Katelynn for a 3-pointer, or at least draw a 3-pointer foul. At that moment, we needed a 3-pointer, which typically has a 35% making-it rate. But Katelynn did it. When we needed the 3-pointer the most, she pulled through. It was amazing. But with 5 seconds left, the other team got fouled by us, so they had 2 foul shots. Those are like 70%-in rate, and they get 2, so basically there's no way they'd miss both (less than 10% chance). But they did. and we went overtime.

It was the most exciting game ever. Even the players themselves said they never went overtime 3 times. The greatest MBA fan next to me cried after we passed through to the first overtime. I myself could not bear to watch the free throw shots, because I knew there was no way they'd miss those. I looked away. I couldn't believe it, that they actually missed both.

Even today, we were still all sharing news articles and stats about the game with each other. We read up on how the star players got better over time. Hallie, who is 6'5" used to not be so confident, and always passed the ball back to the guards. One time, a senior guard got pissed off, and was like: "Hallie, if you ever pass it back out to me when you're one-on-one, I'll kill you". After that, Hallie got the message. The article also talked about how Hallie used to be so hard on herself after games. The coach and assistant coaches were also part-time psychologists, texting her, encouraging her and calling her after games to make sure she was okay.

My MBA friend and I were discussing this article, and my friend said: "I just remembered she is under 20....", and I said: "yea, everyone is under 20 deep inside though"

It was so beautiful to read about their lives, and how much they've grown, how hard they've worked and how much they value their team.

As I was thinking about how beautiful their stories were, I thought of my own life. Though my life is not public, it is also beautiful and encouraging. because of what Jesus did. Just this sudden thought was encouraging. Sometimes I wish I could share more of my life with more people.

Sports

I watched a Michigan women's basketball game on Sunday. We had fairly good seats, so I could actually see all the player's faces. It was really beautiful to watch, especially since I had played on the tennis team in high school and some intramural basketball in college. It reminded me of the team spirit that was so enjoyable. And I want that. I looked at how players on the opposite team defended their person--pushing them back; I looked at how players within each team high-fived each other or patted each other in encouragement. The support, the team spirit was great.

It did make me miss competitive sports, where you matter to the team, and the team matters to you. Playing (competitively) on a sports team is a very unique experience that combines many different emotions and other aspects into one experience. It's not really like friendship or any other relationship. It's not like work or school or any other achievement. The mental and emotional aspects of the game are equally as important as the technical aspects. The physical and verbal emotional encouragement is intense and generous throughout the game. Things happen fast. Camaraderie is huge. It's pretty much addictive.
Camaraderie, acceptance, approval, love, respect, trust, encouragement, etc, all wrapped up in one experience.

I definitely saw that on Sunday and missed it.

But there are times when I feel the Church is all of that too. A team that has one goal, one core focus, and supports one another in love. It's just not as intense (and often not taken as seriously).

Spiritual Breakthrough

I've been praying for spiritual breakthrough for a couple weeks, and this past Wednesday night was the turning point where God answered my prayers. In worship, in life group, I felt a strong sense of God's presence and a strong hunger and desire and love for God. Also, as I looked at the people in my life group, I realized that I loved these people--with a love that stems from knowing this is my family. This was definitely an answered prayer, as I prayed that God would soften my heart and allow me to love, to be loved, and to receive/understand His love more deeply. I came into Michigan with a fairly protected/guarded heart, which I thought would protect me; but a hard heart also blocks out love from God and God's people.

Love in the body of Christ definitely is connected to being able to receive/feel/understand God's love. For this purpose, particular Churches I know, have you greet others around you as the service begins. Several weeks ago, in worship, I saw a friend I hadn't seen in a long time and hugged the friend. Suddenly, it felt like during worship, I could understand and sense God's love for me, more strongly than before. It was at this moment I realized I had a hardened heart that even blocked me from receiving from God--and God used my old friend to soften my heart, and that there was more of God that I could know and experience. This made me hunger for a spiritual breakthrough, because God's presence is so, so sweet and amazing.

And God answered my prayers. It is true that if you seek Him with all your heart, you will find Him. (Jeremiah 29:13). Life does a full circle on you. This particular verse was given to me when I was 12 years old, as I cried on the floor during a retreat. And it continues to have special meaning to me.