Baby life

Had a baby 5 months ago

what used to make me feel happy and content, like I have a full life, doesn’t make me that happy anymore. I still enjoy it but just not as much as I used to. 

Like it’s still nice to socialize and hang out with friends but it doesn’t feel as good as before baby. Maybe because I know at the end of the day/ hangout, I need to go back to baby life. maybe I feel like I need to get stuff done and therefore it’s hard to enjoy the break— similar to if you had a big test on Monday, it’s hard to go out and really enjoy your weekend if you know you should be studying. Except with baby life, you kind of have a test every day.

I wonder if different things make me feel alive now, or if it’s just that tiredness and needing to do a lot of stuff weighs me down

Recency Bias

Does recency bias conflict with a feeling of security and stableness/faithfulness because it feels like you have to continue to maintain whatever it is and can't rely on past success? 

Maybe recency bias also suggests / reminds us that humans forget things over time, and that bothers us because if things are always forgotten over time, then what was the point? Just don't do anything until the end. (sounds like the right formula for performance reviews at work... jk)

Even in marriage where there is a permanent commitment, there is recency bias in terms of how you currently feel about the other person even if the commitment doesn't change. But also, the recency bias is combined with lots of past joys and hurts and memories; it just happens that the recent stuff may (or may not) take a greater weight in contributing to the overall feeling towards the person. 

Recency bias seems to be a fact of life. At work, in all your relationships, and even spiritually. It seems a little tiring psychologically because you need to keep putting in effort. It's not like Calvinism (once saved always saved). But usually people enjoy putting in effort for stuff and people they like, so it's not that exhausting.

I have also heard people say that once you build up a spiritual foundation, even if you are busy for a few years or whatever, you still have that foundation that you rely on, that you once put in the hours and time and the heart and the pursuit for. I believe that also applies to all other relationships. You always put in more effort in the beginning, and when times are rough and time is scarce, your relationships can still sustain with that past effort.  

Career

 I never considered myself career-oriented or ambitious. I just want to make money and live in a place with a lot of Asian Americans (and have a close-knit community that truly knows me and loves me). 

But actually I realized that career-related achievements impact me pretty emotionally. Some of my strongest feelings of elated-ness are when I have achieved something academically, or career-wise, although I do tend to attribute a fair amount of my success to "luck" (or God's favor/leading) because even though I may have done well, there were a lot of things that led me to do well that are not in my control (i.e. maybe I was given a great opportunity)

As I reflected on that the past few days, I realized that career actually is pretty important to me. 

One, because I feel so elated when I 'achieve' something career-wise, (i.e. when people value/respect me at work or when other companies want me, etc. ). "Achieve" is in quotations because I actually don't focus on the achievement and the impact to humanity/my company/the industry as much as I focus on myself and how much others value and respect me. Paying me more and giving me a good raise is a practical and real way of showing me you (as a company / my manager) value me. So it's really about me... lol. I want to be respected.

Two, career is important to me because I'm a woman and I like earning money. Again, it's about feeling important. No one has directly said sexist comments to my face about women who excel in their careers but I can feel societal and cultural unspoken expectations. It really makes me mad (angry to tears) when I think about how people often celebrate when men/husbands get promotions and excel in their careers, but when women/wives/mothers excel, they are wary of whether she is taking proper care of her family or neglecting the family. (<--This may be more of an imagined situation because I've never actually seen that happen.) But at the same time, I don't want to be the type of mother who is not present for her kids, just as I wouldn't want a father who is not present, who pursues career over family. So, for this reason, I am pretty careful not to be overly ambitious in my career, because I value family and people over career. 

But deep inside, I do care about career, because I want to be valued and respected in what I do. 

I think everyone wants to be valued and respected, and they can get that from many areas of their life, not just from career. It's just that career is often more controllable/easier (or standardized  / systematic, in that there is a specified path to getting promoted / achieving), whereas in your family life, at Church, among your community, etc. you can't control how people feel about you, you can't make your kids like you, and there is not a straight shot formula to making yourself a great person / friend / mom / wife; there are so many facets. 

Of course I know it's not good to put your identity in career or anything other than God. But it's very easy to put our identity in different areas of our lives. If one area of our life isn't going well, we start putting our energy into other areas of our lives, so we can feel valued/good from the other areas instead. 

But at the end of the day, I do remember that nothing is possible without God. And I also miss God, as in I long for Him. Here I am, on vacation in Taiwan. I got a job offer a couple days ago. But I miss God and I long to be in His presence, as in the thick glorious presence of God. I just long for depth. And there is a depth only God can satisfy. A deep intimate longing in my heart. Sometimes, some people can go deep with me, and it's nice to have deep friendships, but only God can truly satisfy my entire need for depth. But it is nice to have deep friendships with others who also have this longing in their heart.

Family culture

Despite how different my brother and I are, more and more I can see that we have some similarities. We love people. We have the same gifting of bringing people together and creating a family culture. And it comes from my parents. 

This trip to NJ was like a dream come true. My husband could see the beauty of my family fully, and how my family has been a home for others, and how all of my brother's friends are family too. There are always a bunch of his friends at our house. They all live a short distance away -- a few of them even walking distance. Jon got to fully experience my family culture. And we got to participate in it together, encouraging the NJ clan in the triathlon, playing games with them, hanging out, etc. 

Our home is like a community center, esp when my brother is at home. Everyone just comes over, and it's super lively. 

I know I can't expect community to always feel like what I felt this past week, especially as people grow busy with life/work and "their own family", and as people live farther apart, and as the Church grows bigger. 

But regardless, it's the dream. It's my dream to have family wherever I go and to create family wherever I go. Your problems are my problems. And your victories are my victories. 

Marriage

 I know I've only been married 9 months, but so far, I would say marriage is a lot better than I expected. I thought I would get bored eating every meal, because it's so routine and boring. But it's not that big of a deal; it becomes a part of life -- cooking and eating together. I thought I would get bored doing the same things all the time, or trying to do everything together. But it turns out, I still have my individuality. We can do things independently too. We have a nice balance of doing things together and doing things apart. And it's nice to have the stability and security of always having someone be apart of almost everything.

And it's nice to be silly with (or to eye roll at) each other. Even though we see each other's weaknesses, we don't really mind. You be you, and I'll be me. And hopefully we become better over time.

Of course, all this will probably change when we have kids. But I'm probably wrong about kids too. I probably wrongly think they will take my life and individuality away. That I'll be a professional chauffeur, driving them to piano and swimming and whatever else lessons. Everything becomes about them, and I'll have no identity. And then when I try to make friends with other moms, all they'll want to talk about is their kids. Can we just talk about what God is doing in your life? Can you just talk about how you're feeling? Can we just cry together and be vulnerable with each other? 

Actually, I think that won't happen. Someone reminded me that our generation is different. We still keep our identities even when we become moms. And the other factor I missed is that you'll love your kids so much, you won't mind talking about them all the time. A common thing I hear from moms is that they go on "vacation" away from their kids, and then they start to miss their kid right away. But that was the whole point of the "vacation away from kids"..... Or the couple goes on a date while their parents/friends watch their kids, and the couple just ends up missing their baby or talking about the baby on the date... When I hear those stories, I just can't imagine myself feeling the same way. But that's probably because I'm not a mom. 

I really like science experiments and psychological observations (and forming bad theories out of them). So maybe having a kid will just give me more material for my theories and experiments. 

Intimacy of the Mind

Someone said something to me this week that stood out: 

They told me to meditate on God's word because then you will know His thoughts and how He thinks; it is a form of intimacy - intimacy of the mind. 

Of course I have always known it is good to meditate on God's word, but I never thought about it as "intimacy of the mind". That stuck out to me, firstly because I love intimacy and the feeling of vulnerability, and second because sometimes I spend a lot of time replaying social situations and words people say to me. Sometimes for my own sake, for processing or whatever. But sometimes to help me empathize with them and try to understand how they think and feel and act. It is always a great feeling to be able to know how a friend thinks and feels. How much greater if you can think the way God thinks? 

I guess it's a little weird but sometimes I learn to love God by thinking about how I love my friends. The bible mentions it too -  "for whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen". Perhaps it is easier to love those you can see, because they are more tangible, and more understandable. Of course, we can love at all because God loved us first. And of course, we prioritize loving God first, before loving people, but honestly they come hand in hand; you cannot separate a love for God and a love for His people. 

Vulnerability

 Someone once asked how I can feel so comfortable with intimacy. I do like intimacy. I like depth, I like looking into people's eyes. I like crying and seeing people cry. I like vulnerable people. And I like the feeling of being vulnerable. 

But this type of feeling goes away when you are close to someone long term. Like a family member or spouse. After a while you just feel safe and comfortable with them. You don't "feel vulnerable" even though you are being vulnerable. But I like feeling of "feeling vulnerable" and naked. 

I realized that I can always get that "feeling of vulnerability" with God. As I go deeper with Him, He just manages to strip away even more of the onion that I didn't know existed. And I'm always surprised how much deeper there still is to go. He touches the parts of my heart that have never been touched by anyone else. He can go where no human can go. Maybe I am addicted to God. Addicted to going deeper. 

Actually, perhaps it's not even a "feeling of vulnerability", it's just His presence. Going deeper into His presence. He is so holy that you just feel more and more naked as you go closer.